The wedding night has become a thing of legend and myth for chaste Evangelical men.
I’m a psychologist who specializes in sexuality. Though I know about a lot of other psychological stuff, both academia and the free market say you need a “niche” or a “brand,” so I picked Christian sexuality. I thought that delving into the realm where spirit and flesh intersect would be fascinating and fun. Most of the time, it is. But sometimes I end up in the Narnia of the Christian Bizzaro World. In this Narnia, Aslan is evil but impotent instead of good yet dangerous, the beavers huddle frightened inside their lodges, and Peter is a coward. It’s always summer instead of winter, but everyone stays inside because they can’t stand the heat. Sometimes that’s what it’s like with Christians and sex.
(If you haven’t read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I apologize for the above paragraph . . . but it’s a great book that only takes a couple of hours to read, so you really have no excuse).
Before proceeding, I should make something clear so this isn’t just another Church-bashing article. The Church broadcasts sensible information about sex that a lot of smart people in Western culture refuse acknowledge, much less advocate. The Church champions sexual responsibility in a culture that treats first intercourse like we used to treat the first kiss. Sex now marks the initiation of a relationship rather than its consummation. I’m glad the Church is standing in the breach saying, “Whoa, cowboys and cowgirls! Stay in the saddle and keep your chaps on until you’re ready for real commitment.” Nobody carps louder than the Church about the crisis created by Internet pornography. Porn ruins authentic physical intimacy. It makes real sex unsexy, and Christians have big enough church bells to make noise about this problem. Feminists are the only ones who occasionally stand with them (feel free to pause and let that little irony to sink in).
So the Church does a lot of good for sex . . . when it’s not busy screwing it up.
Evangelical culture messes up sexuality in many ways, sometimes even straying from its much-ballyhooed Biblical roots while doing so. We could explore many examples, but today I want to focus on one thing: Sex for men who remain abstinent until marriage.
The wedding night has become a thing of legend and myth for chaste Evangelical men. Allegedly, saving sex for marriage means that God blesses the couple with a wild night of carnal ecstasy. Angels will gather ‘round the bed, empowering a lengthy night of sexual pleasure performed in the sight of God Almighty. Erotic acrobatics and a buffet of orgasms await the abstinent groom after he whisks his beloved across the threshold of the honeymoon suite. The couple might settle down around four a.m. Then they’ll wake up four hours later, have another sex festival, order brunch from room service, and start all over again. I’ve heard ministers tell engaged couples not to spend their honeymoon anywhere too exciting, because they will spend all their time in the bedroom.
If this happened to you, congratulations. Then again, it probably means that someone told you that getting married makes it okay to use Ecstasy and cocaine, too.
This month, we’re going to explore the realities of the nuptial bed for those who decided to save sex for marriage. This discussion should prove equally useful if you’ve done the deed before, but decided to lay off sex until you get married. If you’ve been saving sex for marriage, some the things we talk about might leave you a little disappointed or disillusioned. You might even start questioning your commitment to keep the mouse in the house until your wedding night. But don’t worry. If you’re patient, sex will lead you back to the beginning, to a paradise we ruined by eating a rotten fruit that brought shame to nakedness.
About Stephen W. Simpson
Wasn’t Mary (mother of Jesus) a VIRGIN?? Immaculate conception… that explains how much “God” loves sex. Religion has nothing to do with sex. neither the twain should meet. they belong in completely different cell blocks. Sex is an enjoyable activity that yes, causes a lot of drama between people that don’t have emotional or self control. And sometimes, given the right couple, can be an inspiring and phenomenal experience. But sex is not the end all be all… it is not the reason we get married, it is not the proof that we love one another, it is not only for conception, it is simply sex. an activity you do to enjoy yourself and others. and when you’re in a relationship you care about, an activity you enjoy with just the one person… or several if that’s how your commitment works… it’s different for everyone and everyone else should respect each other persons’ RIGHT TO THEIR OWN CHOICE!
My goodness, Lauren…Has no one informed you what exactly religion is? Let alone Christianity? *Sigh* Perhaps you are young. Let us take what you have said above “It’s different for everyone and everyone else should respect each other persons’ [sic] RIGHT TO THEIR OWN CHOICE!” and extend it…Does that mean a grown man should be able to have sex with a 13 year old girl/woman? (Not sure how you view 13 year old females…personally I place them squarely in the girl category.) Both want to have sexual relations together and by extension of your above statement, they should free and unencumbered to do so by any external (legal, parental, social, religious, etc.) force. — Surely you would not want to consider yourself an advocate for paedophilia, would you? Given many people (unreligious, anti-religious and even religious) supercede the innate, ineffable spiritual reality at the core of Being with the construct of Morality, your complaint is not unexpected. I would suggest you meditate on why did Jesus say, “God created the Sabbath for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27 NIV) as a starting point. To give a little insight–Christ is a contradiction to the premise Religion = Morality and yet, the fulfillment of it.
And here we have another person who is taking a vastly different interpretation than what the writer means, and everyone gets, except you. She means two consenting adults, not a child that can’t say no.
There are other books besides the bible. Maybe you should read them.
well said Lauren!
Lauren has some good points. sex isn’t always the be-all end-all, when between married people it’s not always loving or meaningful, when between friends it’s not necessarily harmful, and saving it for the wedding night might work out nicely for some but can certainly be unwise for others, Every situation *is* different, and to say so in no way implies that you can’t make ethical choices or that absolutely anything goes. Equally within marriage there are still choices about whether/when/how sex is loving and respectful, the wedding doesnt automatically sanctify everything.
Idle_Internet_Coder, thanks for your thoughts!
I personally am somewhat unreligious (identify as Zen Buddhist…I think)…
So, when it comes to religion, I think my difficulty is in the making of blanket statements.
As you point out, “To each his (her) own” opens the can of worms wrt relative morality. Paedophilia… not usually (ever??) a good idea. Even if both parties are “consenting.” Especially then, perhaps.
By the same token, let’s not get between two consenting, loving, unmarried adults. Totally not my business. Neither, I think, should it be yours.
Maybe one way of looking at this is: Is there harm done here (i.e. psychological to a child, etc.)? If yes, THEN STEP IN. PLEASE.
If no, well, I know what I would do.
Thank you so much for posting this article! I wish I would have read it before my wedding night. I was SO discouraged by things not “working” the way they were “supposed to.” I have a new understanding of things now! Sex isn’t just about the orgasm, but about the intimacy. I need to remember that and build on that with my husband. I was so discouraged that I just stopped ever wanting to try and have sex. It even made me question whether I should have just had sex before marriage, because maybe it would be better now.
But now I am so thankful I waited, and I’m excited to build intimacy and work through it with my husband. We do have plenty of time ahead of us to figure it out
I also connected with Part 5 because I did sleep in bed with my husband before we were married, but neither of us felt that it was too much sexual temptation for us. My parents were furious with me and didn’t understand. They thought it was a sin and so wrong, but my husband and I still stand by it. We prayed over it often, and I wouldn’t change what I did. It did help build intimacy without having sex.
Thank you so much! I’m saving this article to share with friends and a future son or daughter
In response to the other comments, sexuality is NOT separate from religion (definition: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.) Every aspect of life is important if you’re a Christian or religious. What you do in your life is a part of your worship. Think about it. Especially when the Bible explicitly says what to do with sexuality (which has nothing to do with Mary or immaculate conception). But, I don’t really want to argue with someone who doesn’t really know much about Christianity or the Bible. It will just be pointless.
You guys are completely entitled to your belief about sex and how it should be done, but the author of this post isn’t even really dealing with that. He is talking about sex when people decide to wait for marriage due to their belief in Jesus and the Bible.
So do exactly what you want! And people who are Christians will do exactly what they want and what they see is right. I like that you said we should respect and not judge each other. But of course just because you respect what someone does or believes, doesn’t mean that you are saying you agree or say it’s OK. But, we aren’t on this earth to judge anyone’s choices but our own.