I read this interesting article from the Seattle Stranger, and it got me thinking once again about privilege. Give it a read and mull it over.
As the article points out, we are none of us free of racism. You can’t grow up in a racist society and not have some serious baggage. (And yes, this is a racist society. For all values of “this”. No non-racist society has yet been observed.) All people carry around a bunch of assumptions and stereotypes that we (mostly) bury deep inside ourselves and tell ourselves over and over we don’t carry… but given the chance, we resegregate our schools and just pretend we didn’t. Let’s not lie, progress has been made; we are now a society where people feel compelled to say “I’m not racist, but…” On the other hand, we’re a society where some people say that shit all the time, and we all know how the second half of that sentence always goes.
The same applies to sexism. We are all part of a sexist system, whether we like it or not. And gender stereotypes run even deeper than racial ones, and get coded harder and weirder in our brains. What’s more, as we’ve so often seen on this blog, they’re always interwoven with each other, ugly ideas about men tied in with ugly ideas about women, both feeding off some crude subconscious assumptions about race and class.
Part of the problem is that we have completely wrong ideas about what “a racist” or “a sexist” look like. For the former, we picture someone burning a cross on someone’s lawn, and for the latter, we picture some guy either growling “You ask me, broads oughtta stay in the kitchen” or actually advocating replacing women with sexbots. And we figure as long as we’re steering clear of those cartoon characters, we’re not “a racist” or “a sexist”.
Thing is, racism and sexism aren’t something you are. They’re something you do.
Sexism is every time you assume that a woman’s going to be more interested in her family than her career, and that a man will feel the opposite. Racism is every time you’re momentarily surprised that a Latino person speaks perfectly good English. I cite these two examples not because I want to wag a finger disapprovingly, but because they’re traps I’ve fallen into myself. I could cite a million more, some I’ve been guilty of, some I haven’t. It’s just so easy to absorb these ugly cultural assumptions, so easy to start thinking “Oh, everyone knows that” or “That’s basically how it is.” Some people even start patting themselves on the back for their intellectual courage in standing up to “the PC police” (still a baffling phrase to me) and believing proudly in ugly, wrong stereotypes. We can do our best to work past them, to unlearn these wrong facts, but nobody ever fully succeeds. We all carry around some weird baggage.
So whenever I see someone going “Well, I never got all that gender programming” or “I’ve just learned to see past people’s sex” or “I don’t ever stereotype people” then my bullshit detector starts pinging. Those all sound exactly like “I’m not racist but” to me. For all have sinned and come short of the glory of social justice. All we can do is either give people points for trying, or subtract points for sitting there going “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m just fine how I am.”
Those awkward white folks in the Stranger article are trying, and they’re trying in a really thankless and difficult way, and I give them a lot of points. They may not entirely succeed, but as a white guy who could never bring himself to dance in front of his black girlfriend for fear of being laughed at, I am in no position to judge anyone else for not fully overcoming racial baggage.
@Mysti: That’s a very American notion ( I don’t mean that as an insult, just an observation). In Canada, while French is not spoken nearly as much as Americans might believe, it is not uncommon to run into someone who is bilingual (well, perhaps not so much in the Western provinces). In continental Europe, it’s pretty much assumed that people speak more than one language.
” Racism is every time you’re momentarily surprised that a Latino person speaks perfectly good English. ”
Seriously, I don’t expect anyone to know a language other than their first, I’m surprised when /anyone/ does it, Latino, English, Russian, whatever.
I don’t know about that “….without involving their own bodies, so they don’t feel really threatened?” part Skidd. If you look at the old harlequinn novels (the ones about the wife who falls in love with the stable hand and they make wild passionate love out in the stables and the many variants) I’m betting the women that were/are into those have no problem thinking about their own bodies in those heated moments. And in relation to those books yaoi is still relatively underground (although yaoi fanfiction of properties that have a known presence in The States, like Twilight and… Read more »
Could be. But I personally think “yaoi” has something to do with it. It’s gaining a following here in the U.S. nowadays, especially with internet-savvy folk. In short, it’s writing and art featuring young attractive gay men, written by women and written to titillate women and girls by being sexual and romantic but without involving their own bodies, so they don’t feel really threatened?
I also think of things like this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK9VBxDlQOE and ‘Sassy Gay Friend’ on youtube, perpetuating campy stereotypes and presenting gays as “Omg, ultimate shopping buddy!!1!”
Skidd:
They weren’t even more than acquaintances. Gay men have become fetishized in women in a similar way lesbians are fetishized in men, especially when it comes to younger women and teens.
I wonder if there is the same “I’ll be the one to straighten you out.” mentality that some men have towards gay women.
I personally blame a culture of “playing hard to get”. It’s obnoxious when women do it, it’s obnoxious when men do it (including negging). And it’s REALLY obnoxious and icky when people assume that saying you’re not interested is just “playing hard to get”. I feel like many “meet market” and dating issues could be solved by denouncing the practice. Yes, it’s a nice feeling to have someone work hard to get your attention, but in the end this is something that harms the whole concept of “No means no” and respecting other people’s boundaries. It’s true there’s some kind… Read more »
Yes, I find “I’m gay” no longer reads as a good excuse but rather gets interpreted as “A Challenge”. I had a woman, and a group of her friends, refuse to let me leave the Atlanta Underground without taking her number and I made very clear why I was not interested. Can’t say it worked in my favour, although, I am rather glad it was I taking her number rather than the other way around. At least then I could delete it! I do not like the attentions of women and also did not want her attention but refusing made… Read more »
Non-strange males get a pass, definitely in traditional society and by feminists/liberals and even the SR author herself (after all, it’s only the Scary Stranger who is SR, not the guy you meet in church in the presence of your parents (at least according to SR’s author)). This is perhaps my biggest issue with SR, as it portrays all rape as stranger rape, when in fact [according to RAINN], only around 25% of rape is stranger rape. And without taking that into account it sort of skews everything. What Tamen says… I am generally not thrilled by the attentions of… Read more »
and, well, fuck, that’s me under the ‘pseudonym’ title… not that I think it probably wasn’t clear before considering the avatar doesn’t change. Oh well.
edit: should be a “how” between “on” and “pushy” up there…
What Tamen says… I am generally not thrilled by the attentions of straight women. I can’t imagine why any gay man would be? I find the advances of women somewhere between irritating and disturbing depending on ‘pushy’ they get about it.
I also think you seem to be missing that I’ve lived the majority of my life as straight? I’m not exactly a stranger to the way women treat straight men.
(If he means “platonic admiration” I’m not sure why he specified “sexual”?)
I’d say an admiration for someone they can’t have. Like the male equivalent to a “natural” tease (naive and very appreciated).
What do you mean by admiration in this context? Is it like when a couple of gay friends of mine used to complain about straight women going to gay bars/disco’s and being too “grabby”?
Or were you thinking of a more platonic admiration?
“Non-strange males get a pass, definitely in traditional society and by feminists/liberals and even the SR author herself (after all, it’s only the Scary Stranger who is SR, not the guy you meet in church in the presence of your parents (at least according to SR’s author)).”
That’s not my impression. Straight men are tested for creepy betatude long after they cease to being strangers. Once a woman finds out you’re gay, that kind of testing stops. Being gay is like the ultimate, permanent neg. Once it’s established, women develop a sort of sexual admiration for you.
“”Unfortunately for straight men, the cultural programming that women receive that makes them suspicious and judgmental of male sexuality is consistent across political, geographic, and ideological lines.”” Since it is “consistent across political, geographic, and ideological lines” I probably should have noticed in those many, many, years (the majority of my life really) that I was living as straight, right? Here’s what I noticed, gay men are still “Shrödinger’s Rapist’d” by women because the attitude expressed by that essay* is an indictment of strange people gendered male. Regardless of whether they are straight, the woman cannot tell, so we get… Read more »
@ Glaivester, Steve Sailer?
Really?
@Rae I’m so happy that you enjoyed my questions to ponder! The situations that you describe seem like they lend themselves well to power dynamic analysis. Especially in a classroom setting – such as the anecdote you provided about one of your contemporaries – power dynamics fit right in. Even though it did not pan out very well, I applaud your co-worker’s attempt at re-designing his class. My concern was/is more the use of “power dynamic” when it comes to implicit sexism and racism. The word “power” itself implies something active, something with agency. In the case of implicit attribution… Read more »
@noah: no problem, I get what you’re saying here and I think we’re basically in agreement. But others use a very similar argument as a weapon to shut down male opinion, and that makes me very unhappy. It’s like the post you linked to; he says “raise your hands if you’re a racist” to a group of white students, and tries to redefine racism so that they all have to admit to it. But I have to wonder if he expects the same admission from black students, or if being a member of an oppressed minority acts as a get-out… Read more »
“I think you get kind of an equal but opposite reaction from all men who know you’re gay, that you’re a predator, that you’re out to ass rape all the straight men, so they’re ‘nervous’ and ‘uncomfortable’ around you. Also, gay men are seen as more likely to be pedophiles (and therefore less fit to be around children and should definitely not teach even up to highschool age; miht be recruiting, y’know?) and that certainly upsets mothers and fathers and anyone ‘thinking of the children’.” I’ve never experienced what you’re describing, even though I do believe it happens all the… Read more »
@SpudTater: I think you misunderstood; the point I was getting at is that there really isn’t such a thing as “a sexist”, there’s just people, all of whom carry around some sexist attitudes of one kind or another. So trying not to be “a sexist” is ultimately pointless, since it’s not about what you are, it’s about what you do. Trying not to do sexist things and not to participate in sexist perpetuation, that’s what makes a difference. Does that make more sense?
“”Seventeen, when I realized that I wouldn’t have to view myself as sexually less valuable due to my gender and therefore have to prove my worth as a man in order to be dateable. Also, and this is a huge advantage being a gay man has over being a straight man, women don’t assume you’re a potential predator and are much more relaxed around you. There are a ton of things I can say or do that would label a straight man a creep, but because I’m gay are seen as hilarious or saucy. Gay men are also told they’re… Read more »
I highly mistrust the idea that having the occasional sexist thought means that you are “a sexist”. In particular, because it cross-pollinates poorly with the radical feminist notion of “sexism = prejudice + power”. Taken together, it suggests that all men are sexist (because they all occasionally entertain sexist thoughts), but no women are (because they aren’t in a position of power). And that silences male opinion, because who would listen to the arguments of an a priori sexist man over a poor blameless woman? I’d like to think that I exaggerate here, but we’ve all seen the comments sections… Read more »
A white person with a “healthy tan” is generally held as the ideal but she should have primarily Western features. Wide eyes, nose not too broad, hair straight or in the very least not kinky. Unless they are exoticised to the point of a “fetish” as many asian women are. This is true of course — but I just find the statement “the whiter you are, the more beautiful [as defined by the current institution] you are” to be incorrect. When as a (as I like to put it), extreme recessive phenotype on the whitest end of the spectrum (as… Read more »
Keep in mind that me and my boyfriend are near the same height (about an inch maybe, between us).
Haitian women, not the most rich on the planet you’ll agree. Are also on average less thin than white women. Having a “more plump butt” is seen as defining to black women the way it’s not expected of white women (or is even seen negatively for white women). And that’s at a normal within standard deviation weight. I wouldn’t be surprised to find it’s a slight deviation in how the endocrine system monitors fat placement on the body. Men tend to get it on the tummy and nowhere else until they’re much bigger. Women tend to get it elsewhere. For… Read more »