The “Yes, No, Maybe” Chart – A Tool For Talking About Consent

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About Jamie Utt

Jamie Utt is a diversity and inclusion consultant and sexual violence prevention educator based in Minneapolis, MN. He lives with his loving partner and his funtastic dog, Chloe. He blogs weekly at Change From Within. Learn more about his work at JamieUtt.com.

Comments

  1. wellokaythen says:

    For the men out there on the singles scene, when do you recommend exchanging this information? Third date? I’m thinking the 3 minutes of the speed-date is not enough time to cover all the necessary material…. : – )

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      I’m not a man, but as a lady, I’d say that it’s good to have an honest conversation about boundaries before first having sex with someone. To me, although Jamie may disagree, this chart is more for self-reflection at first, to facilitate a conversation. Once intimacy is established, then actually looking at the checklist together is probably a good idea.

      But I may be old fashioned!

  2. The problem with a chart like this is that the counter-argument is that it is too organized and not organic enough for most people. I agree with Joanna that it’s probably a good thing to look at this more for self-reflection. I also think it’s a good idea to sort of keep a checklist like this in the back of your mind whenever engaging in a sexual relationship with someone. I don’t think it’s necessary to sit down with whoever and go over it bit by bit, though.

    I think people make consent a lot more difficult than it needs to be. People become all worried that if the other person says no to doing something (having sex in general or a specific sexual act) it is akin to a total rejection of your self, and therefore avoiding it at any cost is a priority. Also, I think part of the problem with the way we approach consent is that we tend to come at it with the goal of getting the most out of it as is possible. So like…oh I don’t want to come out and say “can I have sex with you,” because what if that turns him/her off and then we don’t have sex and AHHHHH BAD!!! And though a checklist might help you establish boundaries, it doesn’t really address the problems with the way our culture conceptualizes consent as something you HAVE to do but you probably don’t WANT to do.

  3. If you want to check out a cool online YesNoMaybe list tool that allows you and your lover to fill out your own surveys and have them automatically cross referenced, check out YesNoMaybe @ http://www.YNMList.com

  4. Check out YesNoMaybe @ http://www.YNMList.com — this is an site that allows you to fill out a Yes, No, Maybe list and invite another to share it. When they fill out their list – both lists get automatically compared and you both see what kinks you have in common. Really neat — and FREE!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] If you want to download a chart, print it out, and get started, I’ve compiled a great Yes, No, Maybe chart, available here. [...]

  2. [...] Utt’s Yes, No, Maybe Chart, an excellent tool for talking about consent. Complete it on your own and then compare it to your [...]

  3. [...] The “Yes, No, Maybe” Chart – A Tool for Talking About Consent by Jamie Utt [...]

  4. [...] If you want to download a chart, print it out, and get started, I’ve compiled a great Yes, No, Maybe chart, available here. [...]

  5. [...] The “Yes, No, Maybe” Chart – A Tool For Talking About Consent [...]

  6. [...] a look at Jamie Utt’s Yes, No, Maybe Worksheet. It’s a great tool for discussing with your partner (and the other guy) exactly what you’re all [...]

  7. [...] pieces for a self help guru* (do these people pay the GMP for their self promotion?) I encountered a list of things you can consent to – a Yes/No/Maybe list.  Now, we’re kind of predisposed to be sceptical about any list which has Maybe as an option, [...]

  8. [...] Need some ideas on making consent fun and sexy?  Check out this article or fill out a Yes, No Maybe Chart. [...]

  9. [...] you should both fill out a “Yes, No, Maybe Chart” and discuss your responses with each [...]

  10. [...] and dive right into it. Order a pizza, sit on your bedroom floor, pull up something like the “Yes, No, Maybe Chart,” and go to [...]

  11. [...] with this Yes/No/Maybe list or this one over here, you can sit down by yourself or with your boyfriend and go through the entire thing. While this is [...]

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