This is the letter my dad would have written to his son if he knew what I know now.
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I’m a man who is in the business of providing relationship advice for men. I encourage and lead other men to improve their intimate relationships. The path I’ve taken to this place has been rocky – and I’ve learned things. My clients and I share a history of spending our early years struggling to know ourselves AND the women in our lives.
I never received a letter from my dad giving me the “Top Secret” information I would need to succeed in my intimate relationships with women. Most men never do. My rocky ride has since smoothed out mostly because of what I’ve learned along the way. I don’t begrudge my dad for not telling me sooner. He did the best he could do and I will always appreciate how hard he worked for me.
This is the letter my dad would have written to his son if he knew what I know now.
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Dear Son,
As your wedding day approaches I want to give you 5 THINGS to keep close to your heart in your marriage. I didn’t learn these lessons before it was too late for me. Do not make the same mistakes I did!
Before I give them to you, please understand these truths without any self-doubt. KNOW you are worthy of love. KNOW you deserve a life of love, inspiration, and passion. KNOW there will be ups and downs and to expect and embrace them.
And, KNOW that you always have the power to CHOOSE to create good feelings for other people instead of bad ones.
#1 – She can FEEL your intentions
Your wife has a very special ability to sense negative energy and pressure. She can’t “read your mind”, but she “feels your love”. This “intuition” is widely documented, though many women don’t even trust it themselves. But they WILL react to it. We men are so simple, so direct, so “what you see is what you get”. This is why we stink at reading between the lines and taking hints.
This is also why we stink at truly understanding the avalanche of emotions we can cause in our women without even knowing it. It’s obvious that your angry toned, table pounding, perfectly logical argument will ruffle emotional feathers. What’s NOT obvious is how she FEELS your intentions. Even without a word, if your energy oozes the least bit of resentment, condescension, or judgment – YOU have already declared war. And yes, it’s your fault. Sorry.
The GOOD NEWS is that your wife feels positive intention the exact same way. Positive intention means positive energy which means everything you say and do is coming from a different place – a place of love. Instead of judgment, your intention is acceptance. Instead condescension, your intention is respect. You get the idea. It MUST be true. You MUST be authentic. The results you will see in the tone of your conversations are absolutely mind-blowing! But YOU have to GO FIRST.
I can hear all of your “yeah but” arguments now and already call “bullshit”. There IS a way for you to take more ownership for your energy. You can’t own her reaction or her happiness, but you can do better, BE better – if you WANT to!
#2 – Don’t ever think she is NOT a sexual woman
If you ever decide your wife is simply not sexual, not physically affectionate, or EVER aroused – you’re wrong. Just like you, she is designed for sexual arousal and sexual pleasure. That’s about where the similarities end.
She DOES think about sex. She DOES have fantasies. She DOES get aroused. But, if your marriage has tensions, she just doesn’t have YOU in mind.
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Sex is not a guaranteed fringe benefit of marriage.
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Don’t let “life” numb your awareness of your responsibility. Sex is not a guaranteed fringe benefit of marriage. Sex is the result of an age old cycle of attraction, flirtation, and foreplay. And that’s really all she wants. If you lose this recipe she can easily imagine it with someone else. Women simply will not have sex with someone they don’t feel attracted to.
The key word to remember is ATTRACTION. Without this, flirting and foreplay are a complete waste of time unless you’ve pushed so hard you wind up with “obligation sex” – the worst possible type! I don’t want that for you.
The most important thing to know about attraction is that it will not happen in an environment of bad feelings. You have the ability to create feelings of attraction – or not. This ability will come from you KNOWING who you are, what you believe in, and the direction you’re going in life. Attracting her to join you means always respecting her and supporting her need to do the same for herself. You are neither superior nor inferior to her. Help her feel that in her heart every day.
While you are not in charge of her moods or behavior, you need to be aware of how you may be involved in her reactions toward you. Becoming attractive to her may involve reversing some damage you unknowingly inflicted. If you have been argumentative, dismissive, resentful, negative, or critical you ARE in charge of that and need to get to work. Why?
Because fixing THAT stuff is important for WHATEVER goals you have in life. If you decide to fix that stuff JUST TO GET SEX she will know it in an instant! Yes, she really is THAT good. A man who is willing to resort to “stuff” to earn sex is seen and FELT as tremendously non-masculine to a woman.
#3 – She has no choice but to LEAD if you’re not trying
By “lead”, I mean being the one who chooses to OWN your part in the marriage and the household. So many men will complain about their “bossy wife” or their “nagging wife” or their “disrespectful” wife. Why? …because they deserve it.
Your wife will rightfully expect and appreciate some leadership from you! Leadership is an important part of the attraction formula. Many men allow their women to lead everything:
- the kid department,
- the laundry department,
- the meal department,
- the cleaning department,
- the relationship department,
- and even the SEX department!
It’s no wonder these guys find themselves begging for morsels of respect and physical affection. They don’t deserve it. You see, the type of leadership I’m talking about is really about your ownership of some of the departments.
Taking responsibility and following through is absolutely SEXY. Establishing your personal values for what you’re in charge of is SEXY. Playing your role in keeping the relationship loving, respectful and fun is SEXY.
This type of leadership will finally allow her to feel safe, trusting, and relaxed because YOU have stepped up. A woman lucky enough to have a man like this doesn’t have to resort to nagging or bossing. With the right level of leadership she will respect you, partner with you and be proud of you.
#4 – She expects you to understand how to help her feel safe emotionally
For both men and woman, Emotional Safety simply means that our emotions are not judged and not subject to debate. It means that emotions are respected for being real and important exactly as they are felt. It means the environment is safe for sharing and discussing our feelings.
Emotions are not supposed to make sense or be logical. THINK before you say, “Well, you shouldn’t feel that way.”
When a woman says, “I hate it every time you lose your temper. It makes me feel, I don’t know, I just hate it!” What she’s trying to say is that “You have the ability to either make me feel good or bad, and you are choosing to make me feel bad.” And THAT choice of yours speaks volumes to her about your concern and respect for her. And it never helps to tell her, “It has nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t feel that way.” Trust me on that one.
If a man chooses to create an environment of emotional safety, he is choosing to understand what behaviors of his can allow that to happen. He is choosing to make changes in how he responds to his wife’s emotions. He learns the power of a masculine response over a boyish reaction.
#5 – She picked you for a reason
She is attracted to you. She thinks you are funny. She laughs at your jokes. She loves making love to you. She trusts you and respects you. She is proud of you.
Don’t screw this up. She loves who you are now. But, you have a lot of growing to do still.
Within the first few years of marriage, many men lose sight of who they are and why they picked her. They can grow impatient, critical, and judgmental. These negative emotions start in very subtle ways during seemingly inconsequential events.
If you’re not careful, those events will lead to bigger events and soon you may find that her trust, respect, and attraction for you has faded away.
Be the man she married. Be the man she needs. Be the man who is better than trying to “get even” by creating bad feelings in her just because you’re feeling bad.
Love her. Give to her without expecting something back. Respect her words and her dreams without judgment.
Talk to her. Be open. Be vulnerable. Let her understand you and your fears. Cry with her.
But don’t stop leading! Lead YOURSELF first so you can lead her to a stronger marriage.
Accept responsibility. Expect more from yourself. Surround yourself with other good men like you who are on the same path.
I’m one of those men and I’ll always be with you – for the rest of your life.
Love,
Dad
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The roles of men are changing in the 21st century. Want to keep up? Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
Originally posted on Noomii.com
Photo Credit: Shutterstock
If you take her for granted, continually criticize her, and order her around like you are the king of everything…she will indeed not want to kiss you or certainly not want to be intimate with you. And BTW the same goes for men who are disrespected by their wives. A human being can only put up with that kind of neglect for so long before they rebel and walk out the door.
This article makes a brilliant, crucial, seldom-if-ever-made point: Women are just as sexual as men, but we have different criteria under which we will have sex, and loss of interest is *not normal.* Too often, men chalk up a woman’s lack of interest in sex within the relationship as typically female. They do not see it as the relational red flag that it is. The fact is, it’s not normal for a woman to lose interest in sex. If men take ANYTHING from this article, it should be that point. If your woman loses interest in sex, it’s not because… Read more »
And as a woman, YOU are uniquely suited to communicate any shortcomings and emotional deficiencies within the relationship that, if alleviated, would help revive and rekindle her interest.
I wonder if that could be done more often, and why it isn’t already?
I have one question, you say that we need to make sure our partner feels safe emotionally. Now when my son was two years old and threw his first temper tantrum I laughed at him, and he never did it again. If my husband were to throw a hissy fit because he has to take care of a responsibility instead of playing poker with the boys do I have to be respectful of his hissy fit? If someone’s wife is being all catty and nasty to her husbands colleague because she is jealous of the collogue being young and pretty,… Read more »
Hi Razlyn, Lots of questions there. Let’s see if this response helps. In a long term, committed, romantic relationship (always my context), “emotional safety” does not putting up with behavior that is destructive and unhealthy. It does not mean enduring bad treatment or any words or actions which violate your personal values. Many times, emotional safety to our partners means being lovingly strong – take no crap – laugh at their antics without malice, and tender understanding that there is a better person inside them. Laughing can be snarky, nasty, judgmental, and condescending. Or, laughing can feel like a lighthearted,… Read more »
Brilliant. I love that you took the time to let your son know what part he plays in the marriage. You can’t control who he marries or what she is like, but you can help him navigate. One can only hope that her parents took the time to let her know what responsibilities she has.
Thanks, Stephane
I totally agree. A strong, powerful, feminine, loving woman is created from those same energies – from both moms and dads!
Amazing. Great article – its so nice to know that there are some guys who GET IT. I will print this and give it to every guy i know.
I think what you are saying here is ‘treat others the way you want to be treated.’ It’s good advice for human interactions, but I probably won’t be telling my two boys any of these things as they relate to a marriage. Unfortunately, the way the laws are set up these days, men bear the brunt of any divorce. They generally lose custody of the children, half of their assets and many times half their income for many years (sometimes for life like here in Florida). The problem is especially pronounced if one spouse goes to work and the other… Read more »
The issue is already evident by the way you form sentences. Somehow you assume that its benefits women more than men to get married. Why? Do you think a woman wants to tie herself up to one man who might become boring, unattractive, fat or loose his job someday.
Marriage is when both people agree to commit and be with each other, no matter good or bad. Most importantly marriage is done for children. So they have father and mother. Yes its not for everybody thats why so many get divorced because they don’t take their vows seriously.
In any devorcee if a woman cheats a man in a court of law a DNA is conducted if a man doubts the children are not his and if DNA proves negative the man is entitled to payments also
Good list and a great idea. I have two sons ages 4 and 2 and I plan on giving them an email address and writing them on a weekly basis. When they get older then I’ll give them the password. Marriage is a complex beast that roars differently for each couple. I agree with the leadership part of number three but a recent article in the NY Times debunks the idea that having an equal role in household chores gives the man more sex appeal. What a losing operation! Vacuuming and doing dishes actually reduces our action in the sack.… Read more »
great point, Ryan.
The whole leadership thing and owning your chores has nothing to do with the goal of “equality”.
A guy who does it to keep the scoreboard fair and keep the peace is an unattractive man.
A guy who does it because he would do it whether or not she asked or expected it or was even in his life is the one who exudes the sex appeal.
This was a really good basic understanding – doesn’t need to be criticized. Of course every relationship is different. For me it was pretty much bang on right down to the sex and I passed it on to another friend who felt the exact same. Not all relationships will identify but somewhere in this article it will speak to both sexes! Good Job
I laughed after point two, when I completely forgot this was written be a man. Same ol’ sexist stereotypes that have plagued relationships for all time. “Men are simple, women are complex.” Wrong. Are we not trying to head towards equality between the sexes? We cannot move forward if men are still perceived as simple, stupid, and easy to read. We are just as complex as women but in different ways. “Men, if you don’t lead, THEY will.” Wrong. What happens when neither parties take the lead? What happens when both parties DISCUSS an issue and mutually handle it, thus… Read more »
“Are we not trying to head towards equality between the sexes?” Equal human rights. Equal value. Equal treatment. Equal pay. Equal respect. Yes. Equality is crucial. Equality in navigating the male/female long term, romantic relationship? Never. It screws with a person’s self-expectations AND maintaining polarity and attraction. When you read a great article like, “The 7 Deadly Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship” here in the GMP, you get a reality check of what real life men and women go through every single day in a romantic, LTR. This is who I am talking about. My experience with these men and… Read more »
and i just forgot to add that he is working(Earning) member, and she is a housewife(not-working at any office). Still it is like 80% of household chores are being done by him. Still her tantrums have to be dealt with gifts almost every week. He is just staying for the sake of kid. Is it man’s duty in marraige to “give” women : this , that and what not. Whether he needs something back in marraige or not. ================== If husbands mistreats wife , then world is at the side of wife (my comment: thats fine) If wife mistreats husband,… Read more »
My male friend leads : – the kid department (he baths and feeds the kid and drops the kid at creche, and then goes to office) – the laundry department (he runs the washing maching) – the meal department (he does not cook daily, but he cooks three times each weekend day (on saturday and sundays )) – the cleaning department (maid cleans the home) – the relationship department (he takes pain of taking her our on picnics, absorbing his bad moods with smiles and caring words and what not) – and even the SEX department! (this we never discussed,… Read more »
I love this, Thank you! I love that you address the myth that women aren’t sexua! It is simply that our sexuality is different: maybe not in the short term (infatuation and desire is surely enhanced by both parties at the beginning) but in a long term relationships it definitely is. What it takes to sustain sexual attraction includes so many more aspects of the relationship for women than might be acknowledged. and YES, Intention is everything, I don’t want perfection, I just want to know that my husbands is intending to work with me and compromise, etc. I also… Read more »
I keep reading this article over and over, because the words resonate with me deeply. It describes exactly how I feel, and how some of my women friends do too.
Steve, would you please write an article like this but about men, for women?
Thanks, Patrycia. I may give that a shot, perhaps, “Dear Daughter, 5 Secrets You Must Learn About Husbands”
What would be some of YOUR secrets that you have learned?
Wow. Just stumbled across this site while attempting to figure out what I am doing wrong. In trying to deal with the third separation in an almost 25 year marriage I have read many articles and visited numerous sites and I think this is the first site with a focus on how men deal with relationship issues I have visited. The first separation was short lived and focused around other friends having children when we weren’t ready to. The second was a little longer as we were both making career changes and the end of childbearing years was approaching. A… Read more »
You’re in no way alone, Rick. Most guys I know are just hitting their stride in personal development in their 50’s. Remember that she has as much skin in the game as you. Hope it’s not too late to have a warm talk with her. Call me if you need help, brother.
It is sad that 50% of first marriages fail, 60% of second marriages and 75% of third marriages fail. Extensive premarital preparation, including extensive counseling with a professional, church or psychotherapist, I believe will go a long way to insure a successful joining of man and woman in a marital relationship. The counseling should identify any areas of non-compatibility, or family of origin issues that must be dealt with effectively before the marriage ceremony.
I think these failure rates are due to individuals not taking responsibility for what they bring to their relationships. Looking at yourself critically in the mirror and accepting that you could be part of the problem is the toughest thing to do, but probably the most rewarding if you are committed to learning from what you find. I found out after 16 years of marriage that my wife’s perception of me was not the great husband I thought I was. I had a choice, to face my issues and learn about myself, or to be a victim and deflect any… Read more »
I am of the opinion that most first marriages fail because people marry too young and for all the wrong reasons…second marriage fail because too often they are rebound relationships (doomed from the start) and I have no idea why third marriages fail…you would think by that time people would have learned a thing or two.
Some sound advice Steve.
I’ve been guilty of the errors you mention and work hard every day to improve our marriage. I am very proactive because my focus has always been growth in every area of my life. My wife is the opposite. At times it can be frustrating because I do not seem to get much response for my efforts, but I press on. In due time.
Hi Doc,
Thanks for commenting. I love to know men who are proactive “works in progress”. I know that hoping for her to join you in the improvements is a huge gap in YOUR needs. Stay the course for YOU regardless of her response. The day will come when you know you’ve met her needs as well as any person can. At that point she may need a nudge to step up her efforts. You deserve a life of growth, passion, and happiness. I hope she chooses to join you before it’s too late.
Most of the comments talk about content. I want to talk about form. It is a tender thing to consider the needs of your child. Do most men receive caring words of advice written from their fathers? If they do, that is wonderful. That has not been the experience of many of the men I am close to. The content is important, of course, but even if my Dad wrote me a bunch of loving, well-meaning nonesense, I would still feel deeply appreciative, and would remember it for the rest of my life. Involved, caring, considerate fathers– I hope that… Read more »
I like your point about leadership — yes, almost anyone in a relationship wants the other partner to help, to keep his/her word, to do their part, to be able and willing to step in and do what is required without needing to be treated like a young child with constant reminders and gold stars. The folks out there who are “so dominant” that they must be in charge of everything are few and very far between — they tend to burn out suddenly and hard as well. While having areas of authority is very helpful in terms of getting… Read more »
CP, I LOVE your last sentence and appreciate your whole comment.
As a wife, the best part of male leadership for me is that there are things I don’t have to be in charge of. My husband takes leadership in the kitchen–which is the best thing for our family, considering I can only make 4 palatable dishes–and I don’t have to think about what’s for dinner every night. I take care of a lot of other things, but not that. If I always had to say, “Honey, have you planned dinner tonight? Honey, have you been to the store yet? Honey, are you serving a vegetable with that?” I might not… Read more »
No-one, but no-one MAKES anyone else feel anything. That’s a good sixties tenet we need to get back to. Believing the opposite (e.g. “you make me feel uncomfortable, you make me feel offended) has made our society extremely neurotic in the last few years. It’s messed feminism up, for one thing. The proper statement is “I choose to feel…”
I agree 1000%, Hank. But if you put a frustrated husband in front of a frustrated wife TODAY at 6pm, this fact is not useful. Both men and women MUST understand and act upon their ability to cause negativity and resentment in others: each other and their kids. No progress is made in a struggling marriage by demanding what “should be”. We have to meet each other where we ARE today and work from there. Thanks for the comment. I emphasize this all the time to men who REACT to their wives instead of RESPONDING. It’s a learned skill using… Read more »
I don’t agree with this at all, and I appreciate Steve’s distinctions above. We do have enormous influence over each others’ feelings, and I don’t CHOOSE to feel any way at all. I just deal with what I AM feeling and do my best to control my reactions and responses. But I also choose to talk to my husband and children in ways that encourage them or ways that tear them down–and they make the same choices with regard to me, even when the content of the communication is the same. And what kind of marriage would we have if… Read more »
Hi Steve It is always interesting to read your articles and hear about your work. I have two question and some comments: 1: Do you have any experience with men and marriage problems that arise when Western men marry a woman from other cultures, like from The Philippines ,Malaysia , Thailand, Japan, Russia, and East European countries ? And if so, will you say to lonely men that this can be a good choice ? 2: do you work with gay couples ? Then to your article: # 4. You talk about about creating a emotional safe environment. I see… Read more »
This response seems ridiculously long, but trying to answer your questions clearly. Hi FlyingKal and Iben, I’ll try to be brief….not. FK, I believe in a LTR attraction is the result of intentional loving and erotic actions toward each other. One’s values lead to thoughts, thoughts lead to emotions, emotions lead to intention and behavior. Bad feelings happen when one loses track of their values/beliefs that would cause them to think, feel, speak, and act in ways that are attractive. As humans, we often allow bad feelings in ourselves to return “the favor” to someone we love. 1: Do you… Read more »
Hi Steve
I am not a person good with words, and English is my second language. you are better qualified to find alternative good word, or make a totally new comcept.
I like the way you work,and my question about gay couples was only curiosity.
Iben, your words are perfect just as they are and I envy your command of another language. I hear your point clearly. Wondering how the examples of feminine “encouragement” felt to you? How have you “encouraged” men before? Thanks for your thoughts. You always make me think.
What your calling leadership, and I do believe it is a from of leadership, simply sounds like accountability. And that’s never a bad thing. I agree with wht your saying Steve..again. And I like hearing about how it’s applied to your own real life experiences.
Having been in past relationships where I was told that my emotions where stupid or thoughts didn’t make sense, I can totally agree that while he may not be trying to be abusive, those things feel emotionally abusive.
The other HUGE aspect of leadership I neglected to clarify is consistently demonstrating that you (man or woman) will act in accordance with your values. No matter what others say or do, leadership is about modeling the behavior you expect from yourself first and then from them.
I LOVE it!! In fact I shared this article with my boyfriend as we are actively working to strengthen our relationship, and he said it was powerful, helpful and exactly what he needed to hear. A strong relationship is one in which BOTH individuals take fearless responsibility and ownership of their own values, behaviors and role in the relationship and does their best every day. No one is perfect, but everyone is capable of trying their best.
Julie, you and your wonderful BF rock! Using any “tool” like this article to share and grow together is just “awesome sauce”.
“No one is perfect, but everyone is capable of trying their best.” Beautiful.
Steve
Hi, and thanks for the list
Re. #2
“#2 – Don’t ever think she is NOT a sexual woman
/… clip…/
The most important thing to know about attraction is that it will not happen in an environment of bad feelings. ”
I can agree that you’re pretty much right on the spot on this one.
But I would also postulate that these kinds of bad feelings shouldn’t happen in an environment of (mutual) attraction either,
So to me the question is, where do they come from, and how are they allowed to evolve?
I thought this was a great article and insightful. I don’t think there’s any form of blame being pointed at either a wife or husband. Everyone has a role to play and the idea is to do what you can do and be open to ways of doing it better or more.
Or at least that’s how I see it.
Thanks, slsimms. I see that way too. Playing the role YOU choose to play according to YOUR terms. We need to mindfully choose our terns and our role.
All in all very good points and arguments from everyone in the comments. I for one will take this advice because if I feel that if I follow these steps then at least I can honestly say that I did everything in my power, as a man, to make the most and best of my relationship. If my partner doesn’t see that and doesn’t appreciate the things that I do then she is not the right person for me. Just as one sided as this article may seem to some, a great woman, who’s goals are aligned with yours, will… Read more »
Thanks, Andre. That’s exactly how it is intended. The only thing a man or woman can do about their marriage is to choose their own perspective and values – then demonstrate those each day in their thoughts, words, and actions.
This is an article about choosing values for yourself. Wives have the same responsibility of course.
These are values I find important, personally.
I’ve lived with a woman before with the “values” of entitlement and blame and those didn’t work out so well for me. And I didn’t like myself much then either.
Great comment!
The article should be called “Don’t expect a woman to take her marriage vows seriously. You are always on probation; you are being tested and she is the judge – but hey, be a leader also why don’t ya! If anything all goes wrong in the marriage, or God forbid, she is unhappy in any way – its your fault. Just repeat after me until you mean it – its your fault as a man.”
I wonder Yep, do you LOVE your wife ?
wow I love the warmth and clarity and inherent good will in this