Paul Hudson is back, and he writes about several demands from women in relationships that men can never meet.
It dawned on me yesterday how much I hate dating. It’s basically conducting interviews with a person who, for whatever reason, seems to be interviewing you for a similar position. I interview enough people on a regular basis as it is, I don’t need any more work. However, even after the official hiring process is through, you run into more difficulties.
Most women – not all women – have some unreasonable demands for their lovers. I can understand being demanding. In a relationship, you should have high expectations of the other person because you’re considering spending your life with that someone.
But if you’re going to demand something, then make it a reasonable demand. Don’t make your demands easy, but, at the very least, make them attainable.
1. “Your place could really use a feminine touch.”
It’s our place. When it comes to cleanliness, I can understand women wanting things to be… sanitary. Especially when they are spending time there.
However, unless we’re living together, our apartment should be our apartment – and we should have our apartment arranged however we like. This isn’t to say that we can’t accommodate some requests, but understand that if we choose to do so, it’s only because we want you to feel more at home.
This doesn’t mean that we want our home to be your home. Not just yet anyway. Our sanctuary space is our private space, and we like to keep it looking, smelling and feeling the way it makes us feel comfortable. We spend more time in our apartment than you do. So don’t expect us to be buying throw pillows anytime soon.
2. “Don’t look at other women.”
Here’s something that all women need to understand: We’re men. There will always be a part of us that wants to see every beautiful woman naked. This is science; we honestly can’t help it.
What we can help, however, is whether or not we act on urges. We will never stop checking out beautiful women — the smarter ones will have the courtesy of not doing so in your presence. Also: let’s not kid ourselves. You ladies eat men alive with your eyes just the same. We just don’t like pretending.
3. “Want to do the things that I want to do.”
I’m sorry, but there will be some things that your man will never, ever want to do – no matter how much you want to do them or how much you want him to want to do them.
People have different preferences – trying to change them isn’t recommended. If he loves you, then he is likely to do the things he doesn’t like to do because you like to do them, but don’t expect him to do so regularly.
If he is willing to go shopping with you all over Soho this week, then you should be willing not to ask him to go for the next while.
4. “Love me unconditionally.”
There’s no such thing as unconditional love – only stupidity that often comes with loving another. You don’t want a stupid man; you want an intelligent man. Intelligent men are goal-oriented. They do things because they want to do them.
They take things because they want them. They love you because of all the things that you do for them and mean to them. All of this relies upon conditions. When certain conditions change, so does the love.
These changes may strengthen the relationship just as they may weaken it – it all depends on the conditions. People don’t love unconditionally. They just heard the line in some story or movie and trick themselves into thinking it’s possible.
5. “Always choose me over your friends.”
I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen – not all the time. Most women are a bit more lax when it comes to this issue, but others aren’t. Some women hate their boyfriend’s friends.
But, as you may have guessed, your boyfriend doesn’t hate his friends. Relationships drive friendships apart, and most of the times, unintentionally.
It’s no one’s fault – it’s the nature of relationships. You spend so much time together, leave what little time he has left to dick around and enjoy himself with his buddies.
6. “Protect me and pay for me, but remain my equal and allow me my financial independence.”
If I have to protect you from harm because you want me to, and pay for your expenses because you ask me to help, then how can we be equals? I want to be your equal. Personally, I could never be with a woman who wasn’t financially independent and couldn’t kick ass herself.
7. “Don’t love me for my looks – love me for me.”
We do love you for you… but your looks are a part of it. If a man loves you, really loves you, then your looks aren’t the whole cake – only the icing. Yes, sometimes men are shallow. Sometimes, women are shallow.
We’re all shallow because we respond to that which we see with our eyes – it’s the reality we live in. Does this mean that we will leave you when you begin to wrinkle and your skin begins to sag? Most men won’t. But some will. Those men have no loyalty, so think of it as a blessing in disguise.
Originally appeared at Elite Daily
Photo Elite Daily
About the author: A young writer, philosopher, and entrepreneur, Paul Hudson has been writing for Elite Daily nearly since the start. Currently located in Manhattan, Paul Hudson primarily devotes his time between writing for Elite Daily and the two entrepreneurial endeavors he is currently pursuing: a mining company in Turkey and a video content platform called lilHub. He loves sharing his life experiences with his readers and makes sure to practice what he preaches.
I love when men (or women) say ‘that’s just the way we are, deal with it!’ because it shows a complete lack of understanding of sociology and biology. That’s not ‘just the way you are’, that’s the way you’ve been taught to be by your culture. People are always acting like there’s some fundamental difference between men and women that makes them opposing forces who will never truly be able to get along. If any of these people actually bothered to do a little scientific research they’d discover that there is no conclusive evidence about the differences between men and… Read more »
I just really, really hate the stereotypes that this article perpetuates about women. We’re unrealistic, we’re irrational, we’re gold-diggers, we’re controlling. It’s actually really awful.
The fact that I am a woman may be received with immediate disregard for the rest of what I’m about to say, but here goes…this is the first time I have read an article on GMP that I was deeply offended by. And it wasn’t the content so much as the offensive and misogynistic way it was said. 1.) When a woman says your apartment needs a feminine touch, she’s flirting or hinting that she’d like to be there more often. If she brings something, like a candle, it’s to remind you of her when she’s not there, not to… Read more »
A philosopher? Really?!
I’m just curious, is this only from your own experience? I agree with most of it, but how do you explain a mother’s unconditional love for her children who constantly take from her? I’d really love to talk to the author :]
Hi Paul! There is such thing as unconditional love. Men are called stupid but they are the real men coz they can drop their ego easily.
I deeply love my girlfriend, however If she cheats it’s over and vice versa. Therefore our love is conditional, and that’s OK, unconditional love isn’t realistic or healthy for either party. @ Wendy, I don’t “owe” my girlfriend anything, we are both lucky to have each other. If he is using that as an excuse to not help you when you need help, then I understand your frustration. It’s a two way street and both parties need to pitch in to help the other person out when they need it, but don’t expect a guy to “owe” anything to you,… Read more »
I think you’re confusing being unconditionally in love with unconditional love. You can love someone without conditions without wanting to start or continue a romantic relationship with them.
lol I think lot of people here on the commentary section need to grow up. There is to much nonsence being posted. Ok. !) its his home, not yours, you have no business at all in how he lives. Mind your own business. If you dont like it…find another guy. There are plenty outhere. But you are not entitled to demand him to change how he lives. Its his choice, not yours. Get over it. 2) Men and women will always look at each other for whatever reason. Dont act on it your fine. 3) just because we are together… Read more »
What I got from this article is essentially the same thing I have heard from almost every man I have ever been intimate with, which is “I don’t owe you anything and I am not responsible for you in any way.” So my question is what’s the point of the modern relationship? Maybe there is a reason that the marriage rate has been declining. I think the men who have commented in favor of this article are missing the connection that women are making with the current state of inequality in relationships. My own experience is that many men who… Read more »
I find it interesting that this writer is described as a “young writer, philospher” etc. Yet at the end, he espouses what he thinks happens as couples age. What does her know? What experience on this subject does he have? I agree regarding that this is the same B.S. most guys tell the females the communicate with. “I can’t help it”. Yes, you can! As far as women looking, we might notice, but we don’t gape – in general. And the women who have grown up to objectify men (“I only go out with guys with a well-defined 6-pack”) have… Read more »
OMG, reading all these comments, and the only thing that comes to mind is so many people are getting offended. On the internet. Now, I”m not saying who’s right or wrong here, I’m just putting my 2 cents in on this and saying that it’s ridiculous. Like, “GASP! You read an article online and got offended? Better go tell all the random people on this website, most of whom I don’t even know who they are, how much this offends me!” And before you start calling me a hypocrite, please note that I said I was merely putting my 2… Read more »
I love how this writer thinks he can speak for “ALL” men. I hate to tell you bud, but this should be titled “7 Unrealistic Expectations Women Have That Douchebag Men Will Never Live Up To.” You must be single, if not then the girl you are with either has father issues or a few screws loose. These are NOT unrealistic expectations at all and I can and have lived up to all 7 of them. When you love someone, you do “whatever” it takes to make that personal happy and loved. It’s called chivalry and respect. Take some notes… Read more »
Women, don’t pressure a man into marriage after you’ve dated for three years just because that what you’ve seen your elders do (get married) and for the status of being Mrs. Somebody. He’ll do it, but after some years wondered how he got there. Marriage (with kids) also has the pernicious effect of killing your bargaining position economically in a capitalist society The boss knows you need the check, so naturally he’s gonna try to lowball your ass. Marriage works best in a collective society, but we all know that collectivism is anathema to certain factions here in the U.S.… Read more »
I agree with many of the author’s points. In regards to #4 & #7, though, I look at it this way. Say we are in a relationship. One day I am in a terrible car accident and my face and body are disfigured. You can react in one of 3 ways: 1) you can leave me, because, sad as it is, physical attraction has a mind of its own and you can’t control the fact that I am no longer attractive to you. The reasons you were in a relationship with me no longer apply, so although it was through… Read more »
And number 6 is completely disrespectful to every woman who gave up her career to be there for her children. That does not make her less than her husband or any less capable of making financial decisions. It means she sacrificed her career for the family life she and her husband wanted. It also should not make her his subordinate simply because she doesn’t earn the money. Financial decisions should be a joint decision in a marriage. Just because two people are “equal” does not mean that they don’t have different roles in life. Telling a woman she isn’t your… Read more »
Your level of projection is astounding. Well done go straight to the front of the line for your Rosie the Riviter poster.
Come on Josh. The article’s writter maybe did not intend to sound that way, but Laura has a point and she is right: in a relationship where one workd outside and the other inside, they are still equal, even when playing different roles.
Why you felt like being a meanie as a response is beyond me.
Laura,
If the job of a mother is a job of love, then how can you say that it gives no thanks?
Most people have children of their own free will. And if they don’t, they have almost every possibility not to. So if anyone deems it something of a sacrifice, they probably shouldn’t have kids in the first place, lest the become bitter about it later, and project it onto the kids.
Adults have a choice of having children.
Children doesn’t have a choise of being born.
You know, number one is a way of women telling men that they care about them and want them to feel more comfortable in their home. It’s an expression of caring, and it’s a major major hint from the woman that she wants to be a part of the place where you live. If she bothers to want to change some things, it’s her major waving of a huge banner sign that she wants to be more a part of your life than you are letting her. Women aren’t always direct, and men aren’t always that intuitive. It’s not about… Read more »
After reading Paul’s article (and then all the comments up to mine) I’m going to add my own thoughts. I don’t know if they’ll help anyone else to read them but it will help me to say them so here I go: Paul. Thank you for being honest and sharing your thoughts on relationships. It takes bravery to put yourself out there, especially on the internet and I admire that. I think you make some valid points and I disagree on others but for me the most important part is that you are sharing your true feelings with me. Again,… Read more »
Yes! This! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I’m a man, and i’m glad the GM ran this article. I think the author and Lynn highlight why the gender gap exists, being male I know which pole I fall closer to.
I’m okay living my beliefs, and if no woman likes them, I’m okay being single despite the loneliness. One should stand up for what they think is right, as long as it harms no one.
I hope to hear that the author is an a happy long term rlship, it’ll give the guys that stand in-between the chauvinists and male-apologists something to cheer for.
#1 Of course you shouldn’t tolerate filth, and I know (and partnered) many men who do not tolerate filth. It is also, as suggested in the article, totally legitimate to ask to make changes for your convenience if you spend time there (closet space, certain things you use). But what many women I knew meant when they said “feminine touch” wasn’t necessarily cleanliness but rather decorations of their choice – pictures, flowers, incense, cute figurines, and teddy bears. As a woman who prefers rather minimal décor, I do not appreciate when people suggest that my place “could be made more… Read more »
I’m surprised you spouted all that, as a woman. Pictures, flowers, incense, cute figurines and teddy bears? Do you have women around you or twelve year olds? Women are encouraged to learn household chores, including decorating, but that is by no means enjoyable or a function of some caregiving trait for many women. Our culture has romanticized it, as you have. It’s a chore, a duty performed in expectation of visitors who will judge a woman based on her home, thanks to stereotypes.
(Some women enjoy it, some do not.)
Another really bad article. I’m sorry but this sounds more like apologia for bad behaviour than a well thought out article. 1. “Your place could use a feminine touch” is code for, learn how to clean. 2. “Don’t look at other women” doesn’t mean don’t use your eyes to see. It means you’re being so rude it’s noticeable. Yes, women look too. We just have the good grace not to do it in front of a date. 3 & 4. Agree. Have separate interests and love is conditional. It’s conditional upon respect. See point 2. 5. “Always choose me over… Read more »
1. Then say – “clean your house”. No one is expected to read your fucking mind. But its not that at all. A lot of women like to think they ‘domesticate’ their men. 2. Oh women and their universal good grace. Subtle connotation of women=good, men=bad. 5. You should have just agreed because you said what the article said but then added some touchy feely shit at the end. 6. In the paraphrased example how is the woman protecting the man? And how many women put themselves in harms way when their male partners are in trouble – I have… Read more »
Ew, I would hate to “domesticate” a man. I think that term perhaps refers to teaching a man how to look after the house/himself but I certainly don’t want to be in a relationship where someone needs to be taught basic things. Been there, done, that, not doing it again.
Josh, your bitterness and lack of emotional discipline is showing so bad. 1. A lot of women want their men to be more present at home? Cool. 2. Yes, women in general really have more grace like that when it comes to this situation. 5. “You should have just agreed because you said what the article said but then added some touchy feely shit at the end” AHAHA what a douchebag. 😀 6. Fuck dude, she was being light-hearted. Just saying a couple should have each other’s back. You said unrelated shit… yes, many women are not career oriented, they… Read more »
If a man gave a woman this list of conditions he would be slammed as being controlling and misogynistic. So why is it ok for women to do the same? Most men have been programmed all their lives that their only measure of worth is what they can provide for others, namely a wife and family. You exist to be an appliance or ATM that can be replaced by death or divorce.
Equality is about balance and fairness. It is not about tit-for-tat. If one spends most of his/her time bringing in the bacon and one spends most of his/her time taking care of home and family, that is one kind of balance that works for most. The key is to appreciate the work of the other and help when possible. The expectation that the one working outside the house all day has to contribute equally to inside the house work is unfair, as is the view point that in house work is not hard or draining. Again balance, consideration, fairness and… Read more »
Thank you, Lynn. The first thing I thought was, wow this author is really young and hadn’t gained the wisdom of someone who has been in a long relationship or life experiences, or just plain AGING, to base these standards on. Lynn hit the nail on the head with #6 in particular. In my now ended marriage I made less money, so it appeared that to “make up for that” or to be “equal” I was expected to do more of the “womanly” jobs around the house–cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping… Did I mention I worked full-time? Then, when we had… Read more »
And just to clear this up now that your a ‘single mother’ who’s paying for you to live now? Perhaps your husband was an ass and you where right to divorce. But tell me this also, why, when it comes to domestic chores women only ever consider work inside the house? Do you get up on the roof and clean out the gutters? Do you mow the lawn? Do you cut down the branches from the neighbours jacaranda tree grow over the fence so it doesn’t crash through your house during the next storm? Was it you that repaired and… Read more »
From the sounds of it he didn’t do those things either! You totally ignored the fact she said she was expected to work full time AND do those chores and that her looking after the kids was considered “not contributing”. Whilst you have a point that outdoor jobs seem to be typically associated with men, I don’t think your response is reasonable and you have very limited compassion for someone who clearly deserves some.
Josh. Dude. I mean, dude. DO YOU EVER GET TIRED OF BEING AN ASS. For real, what a disgrace must be living with you. I hope no one does. Probably no one does. You bring your own shit onto every single comment of yours. That is not how we properly speak to people. That is not how you handle an adult, compassionate conversation. You clearly do no want to talk, but to project your own bullshit. You try to guess someone is being unreasonable or hypocritical even though you do not even know them. “But tell me this also, why,… Read more »
As July said, most of those you described are occasional, not regular, Josh, and many men eschew those as well. You expect to come home and put your feet up? Tough breaks. No one gets to do that in a family, unless one person is not pulling their weight.
“Does this mean that we will leave you when you begin to wrinkle and your skin begins to sag? Most men won’t. But some will. Those men have no loyalty, so think of it as a blessing in disguise.”
This would be a blessing in disguise if you discovered it early. If you are with someone for years or even decades, however, and they suddenly become disinterested because your looks change… That is just cruel and unfair.
Does not take that much. I lost a long-term boyfriend (6 years) when I had cancer. When my hair started falling out he just decided it was “too much” for him to handle (the pain of seeing me suffering, he tried to fake). And just 2 weeks after that he was already with another long-haired woman. Cool guy.
Then I hate to break it to you but there was something more a miss with your relationship than just your hair.
Do you know how many men leave their partners when they get ill? Many, many men really do believe women are in this world to please them visually and that is all that they are good for. And that was the fucking point.
And again, what a compassionate ass you are, Josh. Is that what you like doing on your free time, go around showing your rudeness to every single enemy’s (woman) comment you read?
@July “Do you know how many men leave their partners when they get ill?” Do you? How about you answering it? The simple fact is it selfishly happens to both genders done by both genders. My cousin went into kidney failure. He has a wife and they have a baby together. But she abandoned both him and baby at same time he is looking at death in the face praying for a transplant in time.
totally agree with Lynn! and yet another example of the ‘but we’re men’ cop-out excuse. like u arent evolved human beings ruled by your brain just like everyone else. really did not enjoy this article
I think you did’t enjoy it because you missed the point of the article. It has nothing to do with wanting any level of “cop-out excuses’. It’s pointing out that it is utterly irrational for people (men OR women) to get upset at acknowledging the physical attractiveness of other people. It’s been bred into us for millions of years of evolution, so it is perfectly natural. As the author points out, acting on the attraction is the problem, but really, if people are so insecure that they do not want their other half ever looking at other attractive people, the… Read more »
Thanks for being the voice of reason in all this, I agree that the author makes some good points, and some obvious ones too. The point is the author is being honest and there are no personal attacks, it’s just a window on how some men think (I’m sure some women too) and that these are not absolutes.
My pleasure. In reality, most of the list the author goes through are ridiculous ultimatums than insecure people you’re dating will throw at you. These are perfectly reasonable responses to ultimatums.
I think people miss the point of a post like this. It is going to be biased. It is going to speak in generalities. It will not apply to all people at all times. It will be stereotypical because the author can’t discuss every nuance. This isn’t a peer reviewed journal article or a dissertation where all sides have to be presented and debated. There would be no audience for an article that is that lengthy or in-depth. If you’re going to criticize the author, debate the issues he discussed (like Lynn did). Don’t just say he shouldn’t be writing… Read more »
I find most of these comments here more garbage than this reasonable peace on person issues with dating. Most of your comments are coming off as hyperbole liberal white noise which are forever tainting the good cause of feminism. Or your comments are just saying the same, just debates of useless semantics like the very vile rehash by Lynn on feminine touch, its pure statement by him having equal, that sometimes traditionally men are meant to be not. It part of the awful culture doctorate. And the old taboo of finding women pleasing on the eye, this tricky subject once… Read more »
“liberal white noise”
With hackneyed garbage like that, you’re complaining about others “screaming platitudes?”
Right, because you’ve never used a platitude in your life. Sad, sad.