Most parents work hard at building a trusting, productive relationship with their kids. As those kids become teenagers, maintaining that relationship can become more difficult as communication practices and expectations change.
When Trust is Broken
Building and maintaining trust with your teen can be complicated, but it becomes even more difficult when your child has betrayed that trust or crossed serious lines. Unfortunately, many parents tend to hold onto their hurt feelings, forming a grudge against a teen who has broken their trust. Perhaps this feels like part of the disciplinary process, but it can be very damaging to the parent-child relationship. When this happens, how do you rebuild the trust you once had?
Repairing the Rift
If your teen has made a major mistake and broken your trust, the first step toward healing is to diffuse any explosive situation. Once both you and your son or daughter have calmed down, here are some techniques to try in repairing the relationship and re-establishing trust.
- Don’t condone, but reaffirm love and respect — While you should never condone the behavior that brought you to this point, it’s important to show your child that, while you are disappointed at their mistake, you still believe they are capable of making good decisions.
- Remember that mistakes are human — Making mistakes is part of being a human being. The most important thing is to learn from those mistakes instead of repeating them. Instead of encouraging self-shame or self-doubt, explain that mistakes are part of learning and reinforce a positive self-image. Let them know that forgiving themselves is the first step in that learning process. Help them grasp what they can learn from their experience.
- Provide a good example — Adults are not exempt from making mistakes or even betraying the trust of someone else. When you make such a mistake, talk to your teen about it. Express your disappointment in yourself, what you have learned, and how you resolve to avoid that mistake in the future. Kids and teens can learn a lot from observing how you handle your own missteps, as well as your ability to forgive yourself and move on in a better direction.
- Don’t expect perfection — This goes for both your teen and yourself. If you expect perfection from yourself, your teen is likely to operate under that same self-pressure. Instead, understand that your teen is still in the process of becoming an adult. Mistakes that are not part of a consistent pattern of bad behavior are likely a natural part of that learning process. Most often, teens learn through experience that morally negative behavior results in undesirable consequences.
- Communicate openly — Even if you’re struggling to deal with your hurt feelings and trust your teen again, it’s vital that they know they can talk to you about their problems — even if they repeat the mistake. Emphasize your appreciation of their honesty, and return the favor by being honest with your teen about your own struggles throughout the trust-building process. Many times, allowing your teen to see you as a human being trying to do your best — just like they are — can help build trust.
If you’re trying your hardest and can’t seem to let go of your feelings of betrayal, don’t be afraid to get some help from a therapist. Therapy can help you and your teen work through your issues together, rebuilding the trust you once had.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
