I want you to think back to when you were a teenager. You may have some pretty rose colored memories of that time, of friends and experiences, of life altering firsts and a world of possibility ahead of you. But chances are you are not remembering the true extent of the traumatic years between 12 and 18, where the brain is a myriad of contradictions, unpredictability and uncertainty.
Having teenagers is not a pleasant experience in most ways. Sure, you have the pleasure of seeing the first tentative steps into who your child will become. But when it comes to the struggles of that time, there is so much to deal with that it can be overwhelming. Especially to your teen, who doesn’t want to hear that you understand what they are going through.
The Changing Generations
As a parent you have many responsibilities, such as helping your teenager figure out what they want to do with their lives and keeping them safe physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, we can’t always know exactly what our teen is facing, which can make it harder to fulfill that role. The result is a bungled, well meaning but sometimes ineffective parenting technique that is more stumbling through the process than anything else.
Ironically, it might be this lack of understanding that holds the key to really connecting to your teenager. Let’s say that they are suffering from depression. From your perspective they are going through a hormonal shift that makes them naturally moody and it is nothing to be too concerned about.
However, telling your teen that they just need to try and be happier is a huge misstep. We live in a time where suicide is the second leading cause of suicide and trust between parents and teens can be forever broken with such a statement.
The better option is to admit to them that you don’t understand what they are going through. They have unique struggles due to the changes of their generation, issues you never had to face, or at least not in the current incarnation.
Being Empathetic Instead of Preaching
That doesn’t mean you can’t offer advice to your teenager. But the phrasing is important to get down, as it could make the difference between them listening and them writing off what you have to say as being out of touch.
Instead of acting as though you get the problem, turn it into a statement about yourself; tell them about how you felt when you faced something similar. Be open and honest and don’t try to put anything on them.
For instance, using the depression example you could tell them about the confusion, anxiety and sadness you felt during a conflict with your social group during your own teens.
If you treat your teenager with empathy while admitting you don’t know exactly what they are feeling, you will get much further.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
A lot of people mistakenly think that empathy IS being able to say “I understand what you’re going through.” I think a lot of us misunderstand what it really means to feel what someone else feels, so we think it means something like telepathy– being able to know what someone else is feeling without asking. There actually is a big taboo against asking. And not just in “guess culture”. How many times have our parents gotten mad at us because they “shouldn’t have had to ask” ua to do our chores, or our partners have gotten mad because they “had… Read more »