The New Sexual Reality

Embed from Getty Images

—
According to Shere Hite’s groundbreaking report on women’s sexuality originally published over forty years ago, rape fantasies were not that unusual amongst women she spoke to.

Assuming no woman actually wants to be raped or harmed by anyone, least of all by a lover, she concluded that the scenario of being “taken” is pleasurable because it allows her an escape from guilt and inhibitions inherited in a culture that still fears and condemns female sexuality, all in the safe environment of her own mind where she has complete control over what happens,

But if a man fantasies about rape, as something he feels no wish to ever act out, but which is an expression of his need for a sense of control and power — of feeling ‘masculine’ — in a society that is increasingly uncertain whether that is to be respected or reviled, is this wrong or dangerous? To be surrendered to by a woman may, at some level, be hard-wired into male biology, as well as being linked to all sorts of expectations about how power is distributed between the genders.

I personally feel queasy about the comparison, mainly because a woman’s fantasy doesn’t imply or involve any risk of harm to anyone else; there is no element of coercion and no realistic way in which her fantasy could be acted out in real life. Although if a man was somehow manipulated into what he felt was a consensual sexual contact, and such cases do seem to exist, only to be accused later of having forced himself, even though there is probably no risk of physical danger or threat to him, the psychological and social fallout from such a situation could be devastating in different ways.

Any man’s sexual feelings exist in the context of a view of masculinity that still assumes a sense of entitlement and an expectation that he may express some of his feelings, including arousal, aggressively in a way that could have potentially disastrous consequences for everyone involved.

But I think a liberating fantasy for men might be one of being unconditionally accepted, welcomed and desired for all of our being by a woman, including our hidden fears and vulnerabilities. This would be a contradiction to the prevalent script of how a man is ‘supposed’ to feel, and a way to escape from any secret shame that may be attached to such feelings – in a way that could endow them with a strong sexual charge.

In the current climate of re-evaluating all aspects of what have been considered, up to this point, as the ‘norms’ of gender identity and interaction, with many previously unexamined assumptions being thrown out of the window, there is a new opportunity for us all to see and be freed from limiting ideas about what is ‘normal’ behaviour which we may be unconsciously replaying in our lives, and to become free to consciously choose what kind of behavior and relationships best fit the real person we feel ourselves to be.

Whatever our biological sex, it feels like in this time of great change in the ‘gender wars’, we have more chance than ever to choose how we express our gender identity and to enjoy whatever kind of sexual dynamics we want to share with someone else – assuming we ensure that that they are fully consensual.

I think this gives all men a lot to look forward to if we can have the courage not to retreat back from it to the false safety of old stereotypes! And in any case, anything less would be a betrayal of our essential humanity.

—