From Loneliness to Solitude

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I spent years as a young man longing for love and intimacy. Whole I was choosy, I still idealized anyone who seemed like she could offer me the attention and validation I craved. Still, I was never able to maintain a relationship for very long, or really be satisfied while I was in one. My loneliness led me to be in relationships with women who abused me. Finally, I decided that I would rather be alone than be subjected to manipulation, endless criticism, and degradation. And now, finally, I feel secure going out into the dating world, knowing that I am happy spending hours alone.

There were two turning points in my transformation from needy man-child to secure, self-sufficient man. The first was reading “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield. Redfield describes the difference between erotic infatuation and healthy, genuine love. In the former we seek the missing parts of ourselves in another person, and seek to possess them out of fear of feeling incomplete again. In the latter, we come into the relationship complete. Rather than simply making us feel not-terrible, the relationship between two complete people amplifies our joy. Rather than two halves coming together to make a whole, we are two whole people joining to form a super-person.

In order to be ready for a fulfilling relationship–to become complete– Redfield recommends that you remain single until you “have the feeling of being in love when you are alone.” It’s taken me about six years to achieve that state. It has been grueling at times, but now that I’m here, I can honestly say that it is worth it even without having found a partner. The idea of being with someone is no longer a carrot the leads me along the right path. It’s something that I am hopefully open to, while being content in my solitude.

The second turning point came at the end of my last relationship. Being needy invites a lot of disrespect from others. My last partner, however, spent the first few weeks of our relationship treating me like a king. That caused something to snap. I thought “This is how I deserve to be treated. I’m not going to accept anything less from anyone, ever.”

I’ve had to lower my expectations since realizing that much of that treatment was set-up for narcissistic manipulation. Still, after that, open and positive engagement has become a basic requirement for being my friend, let alone my partner. Unfortunately, my erstwhile partner began to show signs of what I later learned were the “devaluation” phase of narcissistic abuse. (Please visit the YouTube Channel Inner Integration to learn more about recognizing and protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse.)

Before meeting M, as we’ll call my aforementioned partner, I would have been willing to put up with anything simply to have someone in my life. At the end of our relationship though, I had the strength to say “I will be alone for as long as it takes to find someone who treats me the way I treated her.” I had done my best to be emotionally supportive, and to help her with housework, home repairs, and care for her children. I thought: “She’s family. Helping her is helping myself.“ She did not regard me the same way. Instead, she held everything I did with suspicion, and turned everything into a transactional negotiation. Once I realized that she was simply seeking the upper hand, and that because of that, I could never pay off my “debt” to her, I knew that I had to leave.

So here I am, alone, happy, enjoying the occasional date, but never seeking to go to the next level with someone who’s not truly compatible with me. I enjoy my time with my friends as much as I enjoy my time alone.

As if in confirmation that I’m on the right path, someone that I met years ago has come back into my life and shown some real interest in me. I never dreamed that she could really want me. Now that I actually care about myself for my own sake though, I can accept her interest and attention.

Instead of saying “She’s too good for me,” I can see the ways that we’re actually compatible. I can allow the relationship to develop naturally, neither afraid to lose her nor eager to be with her, but simply grateful for the time we spend together. That, in itself, is very satisfying, and I know that it will lead to great things.

So I’ve told you about my turning points: Coming into contact with the idea of becoming whole before joining with another, and realizing that I deserve better than abuse. But what do I do, on a daily basis, to get to this place and stay here? It starts with the way I see myself. Rather than seeking to get things, I seek to be something.

This earth is a place to create and experience beautiful things. It’s a highway full of thrilling turns and my self is a sports car. My mind, body and soul are instruments that can create wonderful experiences. So I make it my constant work to care for and exercise my body, mind and soul.

Find something that feeds you, man! Sometimes I’ll pace my living room and read Walt Whitman for an hour. Why? Because it feeds me. It thrills my heart and leaves me feeling full and alive! Live only for this! Live for the burn you get in your chest benching-pressing twice your bodyweight! Live and breathe for the deepest ocean dive, the highest mountain climb! Open your eyes for the shade of maroon only you can create on canvass! Listen for the quietest, sweetest note for which all the chords in a song exist solely as context. Live your purpose, man! Any and all of these things are only the expression of your soul.

If anything will call to you a lover who will satisfy you, it is just this expression of your soul! The beautiful irony is that once you begin to express yourself in this way, you are free from the need to be with anyone–and it is just this freedom, this openness that opens the way for them to come to you!

Remember what the great American Poet, Walt Whitman said:

“What do you seek so pensive and silent?
What do you need camerado?
Dear son do you think it is love?

Listen dear son—listen America, daughter or son,
It is a painful thing to love a man or woman to excess, and yet it
satisfies, it is great,
But there is something else very great, it makes the whole coin-cide,
It, magnificent, beyond materials, with continuous hands sweeps
and provides for all.”