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Tom Bilyeu and Lisa Bilyeu (@lisabilyeu) discuss topics such as: How planning surprises affects your partner’s brain chemistry and the importance of small gestures in igniting romance in your relationship in this episode of Relationship Theory.
Tom Bilyeu is the co-founder of 2014 Inc. 500 company Quest Nutrition — a unicorn startup valued at over $1 billion — and the co-founder and host of Impact Theory. Impact Theory is a first-of-its-kind company designed to facilitate global change through the incubation of mission-based businesses and the cultivation of empowering content. Every piece of content Impact Theory creates is meant to underscore the company mission to free people from The Matrix and help them unlock their true potential. Impact Theory exists to inspire the next generation of game-changing companies and creators that will make a true and lasting impact on the world.
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hey everybody what is up welcome to
another episode of relationship Theory
I’m your host Tom bill you and I am here
with my one and only
Lisa Billy what is the problem
so guys forgive us we are not doing this
one live because we are right now either
in the south of France or in London
depending on this airs not entirely sure
in two years release at all yeah we’re
not gonna remember that like two years
is a long time Wow shame on you
yeah shame on you sorry I’ve been
building a company is that it that’s a
welcome all right guys well forgive us
but we are very excited we have a bunch
of your questions we’re gonna be diving
into them nonetheless and hopefully you
are following us
and I say us socially because you my
dear have actually started getting ever
so slightly more social yeah and also oh
and yeah the podcast is slated to
release June 21st
so talking about the date now yeah
follow me on at Lisa bill you and what
what platform would that be Instagram
Facebook there you go yes those are
gonna be the team teaching me how to
pitch and yes and those would be your
two Instagram well I’ll obviously
announce the name of on you show yeah
yeah but I’m just saying like those are
gonna be your two platforms sure you
know I’m gonna mess around with YouTube
or Twitter or snapchat me become the
business world alright okay alright but
follow you personally at Lisa bill you
correct the FA’s book and Instagram yes
love it mmm I’ll be there okay so but
also while we’re away we were talking
about maybe doing some live just
impromptu things with me and you so that
that could be kind of fun
nice yeah for sure will be yeah a
hundred percent follow me on Instagram
stories I’ll be storing the life out of
that depending on our access to Wi-Fi
will determine how much live content
will be able to do but will definitely
super actives to follow us all right
well they have 30 minutes today so we’re
gonna
right in to the questions Oh first can I
say that yesterday’s photo shoot for
your podcast which I almost lift up and
said the name of was amazing you looked
stunning and I can’t wait for people to
see the photos I was like seriously
jealous you’re that photoshoot was like
on another level that was amazing yeah I
gotta say it was a lot of fun and I mean
let’s start talking about it because
after being together for almost 17 years
being married almost 15 years you had
asked me so for those of you now I’m
doing a podcast and we were kind of
building a website and really kind of
going all-in and my co-host did this
photo shoot and she’s scheduled here and
did all the design I mean it was amazing
and you had asked me before I left baby
do you want me to come and see it and I
really thought about it and this is one
thing that we do a lot is I know that
like for me you’re so busy so I have a
certain amount of chips that I’m going
to cash in when it’s important but other
than that like I’m not going to because
if I just keep asking you like hey I
need you to do this for me oh it’s
really important that’s really important
to me your point and I do that like
every week at some point you’re like I
just I can’t do it so now you feel bad
that you’ve let me down so we are very
careful with our language with each
other and then the chips we cache it so
I really thought about it and I was like
he’s really busy I’d already looked at
your schedule too really spoke to your
assistant and I was like you know what
like he’s so busy it’s a photo shoot
you’ll see the photos after it’s not
that important so I said you know baby
like don’t worry I know you’re super
busy and you’re like no no like I don’t
want me I don’t know what made you like
insist but you can let me know in a
second but like you were like no no I
really want to make it you looked at
your calendar and you’re like I can slot
it in here and there I’m gonna be there
and I thought okay but only if you want
like this this isn’t a chip I’m cashing
like it’s just be clear like now I want
to be there and then the second you
walked in so I was all done I had my
makeup my hair had this like stunning
outfit on and you walk in and the second
I saw you it was like I don’t
I thought such an overwhelming sense of
pride and like also like I’m I think I
look pretty sexy and hot right now so
like I was so happy you saw me in that
element and because our dynamic is very
much young front of the camera and I’m
behind the camera
it was like just the complete switcheroo
where I was in front and the smile you
had like it’s one of those snapshots
that I keep in my mind forever now the
smile you had on your face when you
walked in like I knew you so well that I
could see the pride that you had in me
and so then in response like I felt so
good and then you know you stayed for
15-20 minutes and just in that time like
I felt so special but I hadn’t asked you
to be there and so that’s kind of one
thing that’s interesting like should
I’ve asked you like how am I gonna know
next time how meaningful it is to me
until you’re actually in that moment but
so what made you like calm was it just
you knew me well enough to know that I
know that right now she’s not cashing a
chip but I know that if I turn up how
much that will mean to her well first of
all I was there for about 45 minutes I
guess because I was getting photos taken
it went by so quickly and honestly like
it was twofold one I really wanted to
see it like this is I’m excited for your
podcast I’ve heard the some of the
episodes because you’ve been a little
stingy but I’ve heard some of the
episodes I think they’re amazing I’m
really excited about this and we’re like
not cagey about what the topic is right
a female empowerment perfect so that
you’ve been like harping on about
wanting to do something about that
literally for like 10 years so for you
to finally really be doing something in
that vein I’m just incredibly excited
about yeah so I wanted to be there I
wanted to see it you’re I know that your
co-host is known for like doing really
cool stuff like that so I thought it
really had a chance of being something
special just from a production value
standpoint so I wanted to see that and
you’ve just been talking about like you
guys gonna be dressing up and like I
didn’t know how hardcore you were gonna
go with the hair
make up I’ll be honest when I walked in
I was like whoa I don’t think you’ve
done your hair that hardcore since the
Inc 500 dinner yeah so I was like
wowza so that was really neat and I was
really glad I got to see that in person
and then yeah like I know that at the
end of the day you’ve got to make time
like it’s never gonna be convenient ever
right like just the way that we
structure our lives
virtually every hour of every day has
spoken for even if only like that like
on a Saturday or something where it’s
like okay we’ve scheduled the quality
time to make sure that we’re not doing a
bunch of things but even that like
normally I’m turning something down you
know people are reaching out like hey
I’m only in town and it’s like so it’s
not like we’re awash in just like really
getting to share those moments and I
think it’s gonna be like this is gonna
be a real test for us right so this is
the first time that you’re stepping
outside of this brand that we’re doing
together and we’ve talked a lot about
the potential risks of that from a time
management perspective where both of our
focuses now and I mean look this is
still your core and like all that but
this is such a tremendous opportunity to
both agreed like you have to do this
like a it’s gonna be amazing for women
what the content that you guys are
putting out and then be your co-hosts
who is a dear friend of yours is also
massive and so teaming up with her I
think is it’s gonna be so cool and I’ve
heard you guys talk like about what it’s
like to be a woman in business and play
at that level and all that and its
really intriguing to see it from that
perspective so anyway long way of saying
I think it’s important that you do it
but I also think it’s important that we
find ways to continue to really support
each other and so yeah I thought it was
meaningful to us as a couple for me to
to come and I think that that’s such a
powerful takeaway because everyone lives
busy lives right whether it’s like
you’re getting pulled in the direction
of kids or work or family or whatever
and I think that a lot of questions we
get very often is that is how do you jog
or how do you keep the romance things
like that and I think knowing your
partner as well as you do like you knew
is whether like I didn’t realize how
important it was to have you there and
it you don’t need to
money you don’t need to be extravagant
and you know like save up for a whole
year to take someone away to make them
feel special like that’s nice don’t get
me wrong but it’s the small things you
do every single week because you’re
never gonna be able to do it every day
right we live our lies and even though
we’re a team we have different roles and
we’re going you know 100 miles an hour
and I think that when you’ve got kids or
business like it’s the same so for you
to plan ahead for you to go okay I’m
going to schedule this time to go see my
wife and because you need be meaningful
to me and it was meaningful to you like
it honestly like since you left that
photo shoot like I’ve had an extra warm
heart for you Wow like I really have
though babe and I think people need to
hear that because think about the small
thing the small thing that could be
meaningful to the other person like even
if it’s like you know what today on the
way home I’m gonna go pick up my
partner’s favorite food or grab them a
coffee or like I’m gonna write a poem
like something that you think is gonna
be meaningful to them and then just do
it and do that on a regular basis
doesn’t have to be about money like I
said but it’s so important like it is
because this week has been very busy and
obviously with our travel and everything
I feel like we haven’t really spent much
time together
and so yeah like even in that tiny
moment you got back late last night
sober time I got back you weren’t home
and in that tiny moment like of you
turning up I felt extra just close to
you it’s interesting that you mentioned
this week like for I am I think I know
what day it is but like I’m not even
100% sure like that this week has
somehow been weird like today is
Thursday obviously it may not be airing
on this episode maybe almost only but
yeah but that’s the thing it’s like they
will certainly air on Monday yes all
right but yeah I mean and that’s it just
recognize a pattern that you didn’t like
that’s like startling I so I don’t think
you people understand how
early value let me keep focused on my
point Minh so I was like yeah sure
it’s not gonna be Thursday um yeah I
forgot him but anyway okay so we’ve got
a few questions talking about larva
romance and I think this is it for
really rings yeah appropriate for
basically what we were talking about
showing the other person like those
small little things so Laura Dufresne
who we adore yes asks how do people who
aren’t naturally romantic individuals
become more romantic we love each other
on and show our love with our actions
every day but we don’t often engage in
behaviors that society would deemed to
be romantic do you feel like candlelit
dinners and surprised trips are
necessary for a healthy relationship man
what a well-timed question so last night
I was at a dear friend’s surprise
birthday party and I was really sad you
couldn’t make it because of the photo
shoot you would have had a great time
and what was neat about it so we used to
do surprises for each other a lot and I
what the reason that they sort of phased
out at least me doing surprises for you
was because I’m a terrible planner so we
would inevitably get on the trip and
you’d be like this is so sweet but if I
had known like I remember the time I
literally lied about where we were going
yeah so I had you pack for one place and
then we went we actually went to another
and so you’re like oh man this is so
sweet but if I’d know and like it
would’ve packed differently so I just
realized actually in fairness you
realize like I do like surprises but not
as much as I like to have a voice in
what we do and where we go and how it
plays out and in dissecting while like
surprises it was because it made me feel
like I was special to you and you were
thinking of me now so here’s what I
realized last night that’s real and even
though surprising you kind of messes
things up it really made me think God
should we get back into that because the
first words out of his mouth
to his almost wife should be his wife
like three days was you’re a good wife
and I thought man like it really like
those little things the neuro chemistry
of like all the sudden you go oh my god
this person’s been thinking about me for
like weeks and like his planned all this
stuff out it feels awesome and I was
sitting there going man I’m totally
conflicted because I really believe in
what we’re building together and that is
the reason that like all of my cognitive
energy goes towards that and they talk
about decision fatigue right like you
just make it so many did you get
so you get to the point where it’s like
I don’t want to make any more decisions
I don’t want to think about anything
else like perfect example my wife god
bless her on the weekends will be like
do you want olives on your nachos and
I’m like no are you sure because I think
maybe it’s like okay a I’ve told her a
hundred times I would rather like I’ll
take worse food just to not have to
think about what’s on it so just
whatever like if you think if you think
they should have olives put olives but
if you ask and I give you an answer like
already I’ve gone but you know I don’t
like being asked so now you’re like
arguably you know why though right
because I said you wanna make it amazing
plus it’s like we were always about
honesty yeah but it’s yours
finish the meal way and like I think
people can understand this situation way
too often right but once you finish the
meal and I turn around you in like hey
baby how was that you put like yeah I
was gonna I was like oh did you like the
olives in that
I would rather without me now I feel up
man
if he just told me beforehand I could
have got to a hundred percent of
satisfaction but now I feel like I only
had 95 percent of satisfaction and I
don’t cook for you often so like and
this is why I’ll amend that there really
like when somebody has an algorithm that
they’re running like you’re running this
algorithm of of what you value is being
fussed over and all of that and no
matter how many times I say this and
even now like the audience like has
heard this so many times like they’re
actually gonna start feeling my pain
what I value is not fussing yeah right
you value fussing so much like you’re
convinced that the more I think about it
and plan it out and if i did a
spreadsheet with pros and cons about
olives no olives and like really came up
but like the ultimate decision about
olives that like i would enjoy them
better and what I cannot get you to see
is the algorithm that I run is what
takes the least effort yeah like there’s
in it and look I get the irony I am like
captain go harder do the Goggins sets
like all of that so when there’s an area
of my life where it does not matter like
oh I want it to be as simple as humanly
possible and that like is literally my
paramount value so like to give you guys
a for instance so I love my weekend not
just they’re healthy they’re made on
like quest protein chips and then like
cheese and other high festive it’s just
they’re delicious but if you’re not
there to make them for me I make what I
call lazy nachos where I take the chips
I take the ingredients and I just kind
of clump them on and eat them like I
don’t like you like to sign them out and
they are perfect and there’s no question
they’re better like they taste better
definitively but not like I can’t
justify the extra effort I won’t enjoy
them yeah we’ve spoken a lot about by
the way I still haven’t finished my
original point about surprise birthday
party know that please guys I was just
gonna say but the and we spoken a lot
about give the gift that that person
wants versus the gift that you want to
give and sometimes I recognize I’m doing
this for me and it’s cloaked in
but like and not cloaked well by the way
because I am very aware of but if I
actually like and that’s one thing that
we’ve we’ve got to the point where we
understand okay like give the gift the
other person wants not the gift thing
you think you would want and so you then
mirror it so we’ve spoken a lot about
that and then in adjustments and then I
realized like oh wait I’m actually doing
this for me not for him I’ve them really
assessed in those situations Who am I
doing it for and then again like I just
told myself like I’m doing it for myself
alright cool like I I don’t feel like
I’m a good wife right now I neglected
you yesterday I didn’t make you lunch
the day that we were filming so I don’t
feel like a good wife circle are you
actually saying that yeah like I text
you the other day what was it two days
ago you we when we were shooting and you
asked me for lunch and I had too much on
and I said I’m so sorry I don’t have
time and then that night I felt so
guilty about it and I said I’m so sorry
never my thing is like and this here
that’s all you’re feeling like I was a
bad 100% this is an opportunity for us
to like whatever’s gonna end up in the
25 bullet points like this is sort of in
there oh god what was I gonna say like
when you way you’re doing it selfishly
for you oh I want to bite the microphone
right now it’s gone I’m gonna eat the
whole mic stand we were saying that
basically like I understanding who
you’re actually doing it for yeah you’re
trying oh you’re feeling like a bad wife
and then later oh my thing so this is
big like the only way I feel safe asking
for something is if I know you’ll say no
if you can’t yeah if I think that you’ll
like put yourself in a bad position then
I won’t ask because I’m not like I’m not
trying I don’t want you to feel like a
bad wife you’re not a bad wife if you
say no we have totally agreed dude the
business is the priority like I believe
in what we’re doing here to the core of
my being but like most deep eudaimonic
happiness and sense of fulfillment I get
is out of what we’re building together
so you bring me a meal in the middle of
the day cuz I’m prepping like would be
lovely hey and if you have spare cycles
awesome because
then I can keep prepping and I don’t
have to deal with it but I’m only asking
because I trust that without diminishing
your sense of who you are as a wife
you’ll say no if you’re busy and it lit
literally I get I totally understand
what that makes you feel bad and so I’m
always like alright do I ask
and I always ask in the hopes that like
we’ll get to that point where you really
realize like it it doesn’t make you a
bad wife to say that you can’t do it
right now cuz you’re busy because you’ve
already agreed like that’s the priority
that’s what we’re building towards all
of that stuff and it’s just literally
hey as long as you’re out and like since
this is about relationships it’s the
same with sex right it’s like I only
feel comfortable asking because I know
if you’re not feeling it that you’ll say
no right so that’s important if I felt
like oh god she’s just gonna go along
with it every time I make a move because
she feels obligated that’s not sexy like
and and then I would back off right so
like that little bit of rejection
in the long run is like way better like
if you’re obviously you communicate it
very well and it’s never like you’re
slapping my hand away like it’s you know
it’s done very conscientiously but
knowing that the other person will say
no is like actually a really important
agreement it really isn’t we like you
said we had that discussion because
you’re like babe if you keep feeling
guilty every time I ask you I’m just not
gonna ask you and if your goal is to
sometimes do it or satisfy me or you
know then you need to encourage me to
ask the question and so now if you don’t
ask the question I don’t get what I want
either and I’ve learned to really be
able to say no without like I used to
say yes all the time right like yeah
I’ll make you food oh yeah absolutely
and then I would wear myself out and
then I would feel like I was failing the
business side of it because my I was
distracted so I’ve trained myself to say
and it all started from the anytime you
ask if you can’t just say no don’t worry
about your emotions don’t worry about
your feelings about saying no just spit
it out say no because then it kind of
almost releases so I’ve now gotten
really good at saying now no but I’m
still working on how I don’t feel the
guilt and I just think that comes to a
value system where I value taking care
of you as
a wife like as a wife position and we’ve
spoken a lot about our roles in our
relationship and so what you value in a
wife but also what I value as being a
wife and part of it is to satisfy my
husband and so I’m really still kind of
working on that balance where like I can
maybe do it on the weekends or I do it
when I don’t for stress or we don’t you
know and so even today so we have a
shoot today and so because I felt guilty
that you didn’t have lunch I just I
thought about it I preempted it me and
Amanda
our assistant I basically spoke to her
early this morning and I said hey can we
order food for Tom to arrive at 11:30 so
that he’s got food so I just took that
guilt that I felt I didn’t beat myself
up about it cuz I think that doesn’t
help so I took that guilt and then I
said how do I fix this next time without
getting myself back into the problem
that we discuss where I’m saying yes all
the time
so I thought okay order him food okay
well I may forget I’m gonna be busy I
may not have the time okay so speak to
the assistant like find the solution and
so today I feel great like this morning
I woke up I knew that I was gonna sort
you food out I had an alarm so the first
thing I did early in the morning is I
text Amanda when I said hey let’s get
him food let’s get him a burger please
have it arrived at this time and now I
feel like I’ve them satisfied you
without but finish your thing about the
surprise yeah I mean just basically it
really made me think like we probably
need a bit more of that in our life like
it’s a little risky to get to business
II yeah and it made me feel some kind of
way really yeah I was like I remember
doing that kind of stuff and it’s a
beautiful like little point it doesn’t
need to be often but look everyone like
surprises like it makes you feel special
right it makes you thought of in advance
um but I remember feeling like I would
put like somewhat pressure on you but
the him was the hints and I was you know
yeah basically honest like hey I want
surprises that’s important to me
it’s like how my family always did it
and I had never done a surprise ever in
my life so and I God I used to get so
wound up because I would try so hard to
hide it from you and then in evitable
something would happen like right at the
last minute and then you’d be like hmmm
I think something’s going but I still
fell like oh yeah but like when you put
all your energy and surprised like so do
you know this work and I don’t even get
what I want right and we should probably
bring it back around to poor lord of
rain yeah actually as a specific way yes
so my my answer is that I think that
it’s great I don’t think it’s necessary
by any means I think that depending on
who you two are it might add a nice
spice a nice flavor like we’ve gone
years without doing like I mean we do
little surprises like we go away for our
anniversary I usually do something that
is unexpected I love that you don’t
remember the moon oh of course but yeah
I mean that was a gift you didn’t know I
was gonna give you that Jesus you then
like wrote this whole like let it was
like a scroll about yeah like that was a
shock yes yeah that’s like so you saying
like you’re saying like candlelit dinner
and yeah yeah like that’s Lucy you would
agree like yeah you should make effort
to do that I’ve it’s the effort that
matters in fairness it’s not really the
surprise but there is something about a
surprise within the person realizes
you’ve been thinking about this for
weeks and like you put this all together
and there is something to that again it
doesn’t need to be super frequent but
little things like that they really do
go a long way and you guys need to
define like what’s romantic to you I
don’t think it matters if society thinks
it’s romantic like giving me flowers
would be you want to talk about pearls
on swine like I could not care less so
that would be a total waste like what is
each of your definition of romance right
exactly
like what’s meaning
to you so like I’ll tell meaningful
number manse is different than you yes
what’s meaningful though in a romantic
way so I will give you an example the
the most romantic thing you have ever
done for me what do you know
oh the call pick picnic 100% I mean that
true you’re like me going away like
everything so but especially because it
was tied to me having a horrific day
like that made me feel protected and I
was like whoa like I have somebody in my
life
that like wants good things for me so
aggressively that they hear that I have
a bad day and they construct something
out of the ether to cheer me up and put
me in a better mood like it was
incredible and so and when I say that
that led to me proposing I just mean it
led to me go to talk to your dad if I
already have a ring you know that but it
was it rocked to me like that was one of
those little things and the funny thing
is as I was thinking like what would be
meaningfully romantic to me and
meaningfully romantic to me would be
like a day where this is actually real a
day where all my food is prepared for me
and you never want to ask me a question
Wow this is why I love this show like I
didn’t realize that that was so high
like what other words to use but like
the most meaningful no that’s that would
be one of for sure
I’d really have to stop and think like
is there something more meaningful maybe
but like that
that’s understanding what I’m really
dealing with in my life right what I’m
really dealing with in my life is I try
to run myself up to like where I dip
into overwhelmed right so it’s like okay
I’m right up right up right up okay I
think I’ve got some Goggin sets in me
right so that I can like really get
super uncomfortable and so and then I
back it off but when I’m living like
right intentionally like I’m pushing
myself to that point I feel like I can
always do more until I get to that and
it’s literally it’s a neurological thing
like when you hit that point it’s like
your brain
is literally a group of wild horses like
scattering that’s what it feels like and
so that’s why meditation is so effective
because you call them everybody back
down but like I try to run myself up to
that point where I know like well like
in a second like this is really like
they’re all gonna scatter and so that’s
why like I feel so taken care of because
that that is somebody who’s saying I
understand where you’re at I understand
what you’re going through and that’s why
I showed up to the thing like part of it
was I understand like that’s that’s a
new thing to the photo shoot alright
sorry so that’s like really really me
understanding like I know how much she
would love this
so like when you show that you
understand that other person like that’s
the juice right to be somebody’s number
one to know that they understand you
that they’re putting in the effort to
like really figure you out anticipate
your needs like that’s the that’s the
juice yeah because it literally happened
last night and I’ve thought about it
maybe 10 times and it was the
understanding because I didn’t even know
like I had no idea how meaningful it was
gonna be to me and so when you actually
are smells like no babe I totally gave
you an out I said now I really checked
your schedule you’re you’re really bird
like I know you’ve got we’ve got a big
shoot tomorrow you need to prep like
dining and sweater and the fact that you
knew me better than I knew myself like
it was so meaningful to me you’re right
that’s exactly it that’s so the one
thing I’d also say to Laura is
like do you actually feel like you don’t
have enough romance in your life like
what is the real reason why she feels
like this is great because if you’re not
naturally romantic you’re not naturally
romantic because you don’t like it or is
it because it makes you feel
uncomfortable to ask it because now
you’re feeling needy and so you’ve just
told yourself you’re not naturally
inclined to want it so like I think that
that’s a question that she really needs
to ask herself like Oh am I using the
you know Society thinks I should as a
way to get into it because there’s a
part of you that actually wants it
and so yeah like a communication be
honest like what are you actually
looking for and maybe it’s as simple as
what you just said where I’ve set you in
the past like don’t worry about
surprises anymore because look I
recognize how busy your control freak I
and they’d you’d be better at it yeah
but even put that aside and I know how
busy you are and I know that the amount
of time and energy would take to plan
something isn’t necessarily the only way
that I can feel affection and love for
me so if it’s not the only way why am i
stressing you out by putting this
pressure on you for this and when I can
feel it in other ways that then doesn’t
take you away from your focus of the
business right but at the same time you
saying the like surprising like what you
saw yesterday like I actually do get
that as well so but I would never put
pressure on you to because I don’t feel
like I need that from you to feel the
affection and love so yeah I would say
to Laura
ask the real question like do you
actually are you curious about romance
you’ve never not like naturally been
inclined but you actually want to see
what it feels like and then talk to your
partner and figure out what that means
so I think we’re at the end is yeah we
also cool well guys thank you so much
for submitting these questions and when
Lisa originally showed up with like two
questions for this episode I was like
come on we need way more than that and
apparently we don’t but thank you guys
so much love doing the show if you
haven’t already be sure to subscribe and
until next time my friends be legendary
take care
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
