Do Not Reply (Satire)

Hi Jeff,

I’ve been reading your blog for nine months now, and I have to say, receiving your posts are the highlight of my week. I feel closer to you than most of the people I know in person. I swear, sometimes I feel like you’re talking directly to me. This may seem a little forward, but I’m going to be passing through Gettysburg on December 28th on my way to Pittsburgh to visit my old college roommate, and I was hoping we could get together for coffee (I know how much you love coffee, “Caffeinated” is my third favorite post LOL). Sure, I think there is always a risk meeting someone you only know online, but in this case, I’m not worried. We’re practically the same person.

Who am I? I’m sure you know my name—lifeisstrangeblog. I “like” every single one of your blog-posts the second you publish them. I don’t even need to read them to know I’m going to love them. I just hit “like” as soon as they show up on my phone. I wish I could “like” them again (you know, “really like” LOL) after I read them, but I can’t. I once sent a suggestion to WordPress asking for the ability to rate “likes” on a scale of 1 – 10. That way, I can tell the bloggers I follow: pretty good, really good or great. But they never wrote me back. Yours would always be a 10 (except for “Field of Screams” that one was just weird).

When we get together, I’d love to give you a copy of my manuscript. It’s a series of short stories all taking place in the ‘20s. My main character is a flapper who spends her nights partying at speakeasies and her days working for the FBI under the guise of a soup kitchen manager feeding the homeless. Each story has its own dilemma and moral, and taken all together, I think it works as historical fiction. I know you’re going to love it. It would mean so much to me if you’d write some praise for the back cover.

One other favor I’d like to ask: I checked into hotel rates in Gettysburg, and for a small town, the hotels there are really expensive. Would it be OK if I spent the night on your couch? I know that we’ll talk for hours, and by the time we’re done, it will be too late to hoof-it the rest of the way to Pittsburgh. Of course, I’d bring a hostess gift for Susan and some sort of treat for Eli and Sophie. I know those three so well, sometimes I feel like they are part of my family LOL. I’d be up and out so early, you wouldn’t even know I was there.

Write me back soon! I need to know if I should do one more edit on my manuscript. I want it to be in its best form when you read it. In the meantime, I do hope your holiday prep goes well, and I wish you a Happy “Solstice + 4” (yes, I read your book… twice).

Saying “Love” here might get me in trouble with Susan LOL, so I’ll sign off with:

With great fondness and respect,

Melissa XOXO (Lifesisstrangeblog)

—

Previously published on Jefftcann.com.

—