Why Don’t You Just Forgive? Your Heart Will Thank You.

Anyone who has been wounded by another is a victim and needs healing. No doubt about it. Said healing can take quite a bit of time. My goodness, just look how many therapists, psychologists, self-help gurus, life coaches, etc. are out there. Don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a place for them (MOST of them). It is my belief that at some point, everyone has been hurt by somebody. This just HAS to be true. That being the case, we all have something in common and we can all relate to each other in our woundedness. This, however, does not mean we should all live in one big pity party. Just the contrary. We ought to relate to each other out of love and compassion because we know what it’s like to be hurt. Pain is one part of the human experience. I would argue to say it’s an important part and teaches us many lessons. That being said, let’s avoid pain when we can.

Many times approaching people with love and compassion can elude us because it requires that we live out of our comfort zone. This is true especially if that comfort zone is built with the bricks of self-pity. We can be comfortable in being uncomfortable. Existing in the realm of love and compassion may also require forgiving the one who hurt us the most. This is a tall order but one that works. Make no mistake about it. Once you start down the road of forgiveness it is only then that you can have more lasting peace in your life. You will also be able to forgive others and, if needed, yourself. In fact, the latter is an area that people struggle with, especially those with a “victim mentality”. They would never dream of forgiving themselves, after all, they are the victim and not the aggressor. This last part is true. I would imagine in most cases victims don’t have to forgive themselves but their hearts may be incorrectly telling them they are to blame. In such cases they are full of shame which has been brought about by another. While forgiving the other is paramount, forgiving oneself can be invaluable. In these cases, this nuance must be addressed for the fullness of peace to enter in. Don’t let wounded pride stop you from forgiving anyone, even yourself. Even if you are innocent. When it comes to matters of the heart, things aren’t clinical nor are they black and white but you can navigate their waters in a healthy, loving way.

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What is a victim mentality? A victim mentality is a deep-seated state of mind where people live as a victim, always needing special treatment because, “Don’t you know what I have been through??” They tend to be touchy and overly-sensitive. They can also paint with a broad brush and generalize. Someone with a victim mentality tends to be more about themselves and less about others. Really, they are still nursing real wounds whether consciously or not. This does not allow for full healing to occur. In always being a victim they find a sense of purpose, a fight really. “I am the one who is hurt here, not you. What do you know?!” The wound that occurred, however, was very real and needs to be healed. So in that sense they are a true victim while simultaneously stroking a victim mentality. Two opposite things can exist at the same time. This is referred to as “both/and” as opposed to “either/or”.

As the U2 song goes, victims can be “stuck in a moment and can’t get out”. Self-hatred can cause terrible havoc inside oneself. Merely getting angry and blaming people won’t bring peace or contentment. It will not make the traumatic memory vanish. In fact, it may keep it alive! This is the opposite of what our hearts and minds long for. Deep inside, we long for quiet and peace. Forgiveness will help vanquish this evil memory!
On another note, some victims become abusers because that is the pattern they are familiar with. I am sure you are familiar with the term “cycle of abuse”. One who has been abused may tend to abuse others. Of course this is not true in every case. How does one break this cycle? CHOOSE TO FORIGVE. It may take years to forgive, it may not. Take that first step. Allow healing and love to be ushered into that choked, ugly, sad, anger of a wound inside. I find that I personally can not forgive without God’s grace. I can’t even start the process without Him. But with His grace, I can deeply love those who have deeply hurt me. I can also forgive myself.

Being hurt can bring out the best or the worst in us. It can make us bitter, angry, resentful, fearful, and can darkly influence us to hold onto grudges or try to get even. I don’t think any of these are helpful. That goes without saying. But we still nurse these sentiments at times. On the flip side, dealing with pain can make us more compassionate, loving, patient or really slow down and evaluate our lives. N.B. hurting someone is never morally good or acceptable. But through God, goodness can arise from such wounds.

So allow the healing salve to cover your heart, mind, emotions, and memories. In forgiveness, our memories will no longer cause anxiety in our every day life. Forgiveness allows the terrible event that took place to exist (in the past) but no longer hurt you. This is true freedom!

Perhaps you feel the person who hurt you does not deserve forgiveness. Maybe so. But sometimes you have to forgive others to set your own heart free. Forgiveness thaws our numb and hardened hearts and is the path to feeling human again!

It takes heroic love to forgive someone. Again, we forgive to, in part, set our own hearts free. Forgiveness may involve putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. For instance, many people today have what’s called a father wound. Perhaps their father was not present to them, was neglectful, hurtful, or even abusive. Again, not acceptable and people should not stay in an abusive relationship. But as time goes on you may look at your father (or anyone who has hurt you) in a different light. Perhaps this person had a god-awful upbringing or terrible things happened to them and they didn’t know how to cope. I once heard the story of a father who, as a child, looked in the refrigerator for food and only found a bottle of ketchup. Talk about trauma! This was a common experience for this person. Once you look at life from this standpoint it may bring you to compassion and healing can begin. By the way, many who have a father wound have terrible relationships with men, authority figures, and/or God. It is called transference. This is where we unjustly transfer our woundedness onto others. Many times we are totally unaware that this is taking place. Sometimes we believe so many lies that we don’t see the truth or don’t believe that truth exists. Lies can be seductive and powerful but they do not last forever because they are built on nothingness. Lies are a “non-thing”.

So what is enduring in this life? Well, in my experience love endures while lies go away. Love and forgiveness go hand in hand. Love can last forever and does. Practice random acts of forgiveness and mercy to those in your life. In this way you keep love alive! Forgive your boss, your neighbors, friends, and family. Leave a legacy of love in your path and you will help transform your own heart, your community, and even in a small way, the world.