Beware of the Three Lies People Often Tell on the First Date

The most common phrase I hear from my single clients is, “there are too many people out here playing games.”

It saddens me every time I hear it because it perpetuates the idea that there is an ocean of people who are “bad,” and you must keep swimming until you find one of the few “good ones.”

The truth is, there are plenty of good people out there. But sometimes, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees because we’ve been conditioned to focus on the things we don’t want.

For example, many dating profiles mention the kind of person they’re not looking for rather than the kind of person they want to find, which is basically like looking for a job and applying for positions you hope you never get.

The same is true with dating. We often focus on the people who don’t call us back, the ones who cancel at the last minute, or those who ghost us all together. That stuff has you convinced that the odds are stacked against you.

But again, there are good people out there. I mean, you’re one of the good ones, right?

Then, of course, there’s the lie of scarcity, that you only have a limited amount of chances to find love. There’s the lie that you must give up something about yourself to be lovable or the lie that there is no one out there for you.

This is why it’s so important to focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. When you’re clear about the kind of person you want to date, it becomes much easier to attract them into your life.

But that’s not what this post is about.

Today, I want to help you navigate the rigamarole of the first date by exposing the three most common lies people often tell.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “I thought you said I should focus on what I want. So why are you telling me to watch out for liars?”

It’s a valid question. The reason is that even though there are plenty of good people out there, good people are also conditioned to inflate their chests, put on their Sunday best, and try to impress you on the first date.

And while there’s nothing wrong with trying to make a good impression, we tend to do this by presenting ourselves in the best light possible, which sometimes means bending the truth.

If you’re single and dating, chances are you’ve encountered a few people who weren’t exactly honest about themselves. Maybe they lied about their job, age, or relationship status. While it’s not always a dealbreaker, it can be frustrating to feel like you’re being misled from the very beginning.

In this post, I will call out the three most common lies people tell on first dates — and how to spot them. Because “knowledge is power” and all that.

Lie #1: “I’m Not Usually Like This”

We’ve all been there — saying or doing something on a first date that we later regret. Maybe we had one too many drinks or said something that we thought was funny but came across as mean-spirited or offensive. Whatever the case, it’s not uncommon for people to try and smooth things over by saying, “I’m not usually like this.”

The problem with this lie is that it’s usually easy to spot. If someone is acting up on a first date, chances are it’s not just a one-time thing. Pay attention to how the person treats waitstaff, for example, or whether they’re trying to get to know you or just talking about themselves the whole time. If they’re acting up on the first date, chances are they’ll continue to do so down the road.

Author note: You might want to steer clear of people who say offensive things — just a thought.

Lie #2: “I’m Not Like Other Girls/Guys”

This is a lie folks love to tell! They try to separate themselves from the pack by saying they’re not like other girls or guys. They might say they’re not as high-maintenance or don’t play games like other people.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with trying to stand out from the crowd. However, in my experience, people who put themselves on the exceptionalism pedestal are usually the ones who are the most difficult to date.

Sometimes “I’m not like the other ____” is code for “I have an inflated sense of self-importance and an entitlement complex.” So while they might seem charming at first, they might just be masking their position on the narcissism spectrum.

Another note from the author: FYI, we’re all on the narcissism spectrum. Just saying.

Lie #3: “My last relationship ended because my ex ______”

This is probably the most popular life of all. That’s not to say that it can’t be true, but I swear on a stack of bibles that there is no such thing as a “no-fault” breakup.

In every relationship, there are two people involved. And while it might be easy to blame an ex, the truth is that both parties are usually equally responsible for the relationship’s demise.

When someone plays the blame game on a first date, it’s usually a red flag. It could be a sign that they’re not over their last relationship or trying to deflect responsibility for how things ended.

Of course, it’s possible that the person is telling the truth and their ex was a total jerk. But in my experience, it’s usually best to err on the side of caution and assume that there’s more to the story than meets the ear.

Yet another note from the author: I feel like I’m getting a bit preachy here, but breakups are never easy. So try to extend a little grace for relatability’s sake. But don’t confuse grace for being a doormat — that’s a whole other can of worms.

Bonus Lie #4

There is one more lie that I’m reluctant to mention, but I feel like it’s my duty to warn you about it. I’m talking, of course, about the lie that people often tell to spare the other person’s feelings. “I would love to do this again sometime,” or “I had a great time.”

Wrapping up a not-so-great date is awkward. But wouldn’t it be nice if people were kind enough to tell the truth and say that they’re not interested rather than leading the other person on?

Sadly, that’s not always the way things go down. And while I’m not condoning being rude, I think it’s better to be honest than give someone false hope.

Psst… the author has another note: Don’t be the person who commits lie #4. It’s mean.

So there you have it, folks. The biggest lies people often tell on first dates. Of course, there are plenty of other little white lies (and big hairy ones, too) that people like to tell (I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of a few ourselves!). But I think these are the ones you should watch out for.

A final note from the long-winded author: Take everything with a grain of salt — including this article. Trust your gut, and follow your heart.

What are some of the lies you’ve heard (or told) on a first date? Tell your tales in the comments!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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