I can’t tell you how many times I have heard men say to me, ‘I find you very attractive’ or ‘I feel attracted to you, and so would like to see you again.’
I am left to ponder how is that even possible when not the slightest bit of chemistry transpired between us?
I have concluded through an informal anecdotal survey that in general men, being very visually oriented, qualify their experience of finding someone attractive as the same thing as feeling attraction to that person.
Men tend to have a binary approach: Upon meeting a date, if they find someone visually pleasing and assume there are no major red flags, they want to pursue her. Sometimes they are just asking for the next date, but often that is all they need to jump into the proverbial sack with her.
Bottom line for me and many women I know is: Finding someone attractive is not the same thing as being attracted to them.
I feel attracted to someone when I feel a chemical connection.
A lot of people are attractive to my eye, but that doesn’t mean I have any interest in dating or sleeping with them.
Attraction causes an increase in chemicals in the body like oxytocin and dopamine. When these chemicals are boosted, one feels a high, a euphoria, a zing. This chemistry is expressed as a flush, a quickened heart rate, a groinal surge of sorts. In other words, heat.
Yep, a little fire in the southern region that grows and spreads upward.
I am now of a certain age — having surpassed the 60-year mark — that I don’t really expect that instant fire. While I might know fairly quickly on that first date that I don’t feel that je ne sais pas chemistry, the jury is still out on whether I could feel it with someone I find somewhat intriguing.
The fire now might be quieter, but it burns. It is still strong. It just is not so fast and all-consuming.
Here is how I figure out if I feel attracted to potential dates after initial intrigue. It usually takes me about 3 to 5 dates:
- I find the man’s looks and voice aesthetically pleasing.
- As a sapiosexual, I find them very smart and my intellectual peer.
- As a demisexual, I have developed some kind of personal connection with them.
- I enjoy being around them and feel a growing rapport.
- I feel comfortable letting myself open up to them emotionally and reveal more about who I am and vice versa.
- I start feeling the fire when I am with that person, and it persists when I am by myself and think of that person.
I think men often feel disappointed by women who don’t return their feelings of attraction. They feel rejected and that isn’t fun. I feel for them. I am not thrilled when I get rejected, and they seem to have it happen to them more frequently than women do.
If men understood women’s attraction process, could they be more successful in ‘getting the girl?’
I wish I felt attracted to people I found attractive. That would make it a lot easier. Yet, I sincerely cannot understand how finding someone attractive could possibly be the same as feeling that heat of attraction.
Women like me have a different way of measuring and sensing attraction. Our way may be a bit more complex, nuanced, and take a bit more time than most men’s, but we are all just following the chemistry.
And the mystery.
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Previously Published on Medium
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