How NOT to Die When You Turn Your Terrible Ideas Into Action

Let’s be real. Tomorrow I’m on holiday with my ex. What a s%*t idea.

I only realized what I was doing once I had already done it, gotten what I wanted, and once my system had gone into a lethargic ‘vacation-chill’ mode.

Deactivated, the siren that had been ringing off the hook for the past three months had a proper chance to die down, the battery was surely already warn out. My brain is completely fried from having the same conversation over and over and over and over again with myself in my own head.

My emergency parts that had been fiercely protecting me from feeling alone, from feeling at risk, from feeling rejected, had been shouting at each other inside my mind for months arguing over what contingency plan we should activate to ensure this breakup was, in fact, just a passing phase.

Expect the unexpected

For those who read my previous blog post — you already know. I called Him three months into our no-contact post breakup and, as if those three months of anxiety, tears, crazy work on myself to stay afloat hadn’t even existed, he picked up the call and announced that he was coming on vacation with me.

Right.

I should be experiencing a feeling of joy now, it’s exactly what I had wanted all along, correct?

In truth my friends, I don’t know what I’m feeling but I’m positive that ‘joy’, is just not it.

The main feeling I’m getting is: you need to prepare yourself to ensure you don’t get swallowed by this feeling you think is love just to get chewed up and spit out at the end of it once again.

If we’re going by past experience, this is the most likely outcome that will occur.

Bracing for impact

I guess I’m feeling a little bit like I’m in a car, I have had a severe series of accidents over the past 37 years, but I love roadtrips way too much not to go off and try to get on the road again. So many new fantastic destinations to discover…

I know this specific road leads to a brick wall, but some part of me thinks that there is a one in a million chance that the farmer who lives nearby, who has witnessed several accidents take place in that same spot, has since decided to remove the bricks blocking the road.

The thing is — I’m not really sure there was a farmer in sight last time I crashed and I’m quite positive the last 55 impacts didn’t actually break down the existing wall enough for us to just drive through a magically formed gap this time around.

It could be, but I have almost zero trust in this solution being viable.

So why try again? You may be wondering…

Who the f%*k knows; my friends. Who knows.

As I don’t have the balls to call and cancel my terrible idea, I believe it’s now time to build a contingency plan, a parachute seat that allows me to hit a little button and be right out from the roof of the car before it hits that f%king brick wall once again.

Lessons from my therapist: give yourself what you were hoping they would give you

Last night, glaring at a soft toned Greek sunset, I started thinking of how angry and frustrated I will be when I see him and he will acknowledge absolutely nothing of how I have been feeling and of what part he has played in destroying my heart and wellbeing.

What do I expect from him?

What void is he filling?

I believe that at the moment, I need a big hug. I need warmth.

I need someone who takes care of me for a little but from every point of view.

I need to love my body just a little bit more.

I need safety and comfort, I need a space to be me and to explore what that looks like today.

Who am I outside of the idea I had projected if myself married with kids with a wonderful successful husband in a gorgeous off-white flat and with a business I love?

August: one more month of behaving like a kid
I known I need to step this up on my own.

No one ever comes to save us, we have to be our own heroes, but I’m just not ready yet.

I’m not ready to choose one guy, I’m not ready to believe that A is actually 100% in this time around. I’m not ready to decide I’m alone and to pick up my business and figure out how to scale it.

I’m not ready to turn down suitors and to make radical choices, even if I know that ultimately clarity, simplicity, a bit of a wipeout will improve my life and wellbeing by 300000%.

I was going to say that I don’t know where to start but it’s not true.

I know where to start, I just don’t want to.

What if I make the wrong choices? How am I supposed to make the right ones box almost closed?

Here’s what I’m going to do instead:

Sleep. It would be quite useful if all of my neurons recharged ahead of making rash decisions
Work out and eat healthy. Take care of my body and migraines and recharge.
Meditate. Reconnect with my own gut feeling, with that voice designed to tell us what to choose.
Book one or more massages. To get that physical touch with no strings attached that can bring no harm.
Try to stop doing things I don’t want to do (this will be the hardest given that at the moment I seem to only truly know what I want only once I’m already doing something).
Protect my own energy as if I were my own best friend.

I recently read a brilliant book about a very empathic girl on the spectrum who can see other people’s energies as colors. On some level I resonated with this story as I also absorb energies by truly caring about those around me.

But how much is too much?

Can we really be more helpful when we empathize to the point of feeling that energy physically overtaking our bodies? I don’t think so.

In the book the protagonist learns how to build an invisible shield that allows her to interact with others’ energies without absorbing them and making them her own.

That’s what I’d love to learn to do.

I would like to build my own golden shield and head into my terrible idea a little bit more protected and safe than I currently am.

Here is what I hope to live up to:

To be completely myself
Not to spend most of the time trying to make Him happy l, rather to recharge and make me happy too
Not to lead the relationship conversation, to let him take the rains and come up with a conclusion based on facts, not words
To take the alone time I need to fuel my shield and make sure it doesn’t come off
To try not to have expectations
To send my ‘Hollywood’ part on vacation from vacation, thus trying to remain truly connected to reality rather than my imaginary perfect world
To end vacation when I’m ready to, even if it’s just me wanting to
To protect myself from crashing two weeks after our trip.

Summer, you’re not at all how I had envisioned you but I promise to try my very best not to let you down completely.

I have to admit, I am a little bit scared but here we go, let’s see if that parachute emergency button actually works…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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