On August 7th, 2024, Redditor Impressive-Test-1814 created a post titled “I think I destroyed our relationship trying to compliment my boyfriend,” in which they said the following:
My boyfriend and I are 28 and have been together for 2.5 years. Yesterday night, we were drinking. One thing led to another, and I tried to compliment him by saying he’s not someone I would hook up with or be a friend with benefits (FWB) but marry. I thought everything was fine, but he seemed distraught after that.
I realized how he understood it and tried to clarify, but he was still the same this morning. He told me he needed space to think and left the house. All my friends tell me I messed it up. And guys tell me it’s not a compliment, and most men will understand it differently. I think I destroyed our relationship, and I’m now panicking.
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Assuming Impressive-Test-1814’s story is true and not fabricated to create discourse online, I sometimes find it odd how some people can be so comfortable posting their relationship grievances for the whole world to gawk over and dissect.
How can people be in relationships spanning years and not have this already figured out? It’s perplexing, to say the least.
Most relationship issues, including this one, come down to one thing: poor communication between one or both parties.
Because how any man reacts to hearing their partner say they would never hook up with them is highly dependent upon the context in which the statement is made.
Is she saying she would never hook up with him because he is not attractive enough and that he’s the safe bet with whom she probably won’t do any of the fun, sexually devious acts she did in the past?
Or, is she saying in my youth, I was stupid and naive and did some things I regret and never wish to experience again, and now I have learned that being in a committed, loving relationship is what brings me the most joy — therefore, I would never hook up with you or any other man for that matter?
That is the type of clarity they both needed. The only way to achieve that is by communicating.
Since the original poster’s partner stormed off in a hissy fit, which is highly immature for a 28-year-old, I’m going to hazard a guess that he didn’t bother to dig deeper and find out what exactly she meant. Instead, he came to his own conclusions.
And now people on Reddit, Twitter, and YouTube are debating whether it’s a compliment to say you would not hook up with your long-term partner and whether Impressive-Test-1814’s boyfriend’s reaction was justified.
Unsurprisingly, women seem to think Impressive-Test-1814’s statements were compliments. I’m sure this is because they imagine their boyfriend or husband telling them they only see them as wifey material and not just a cheap hookup. Since most women prioritize emotional connection prior to sex, it makes sense. But men, on the other hand, don’t see it that way.
Personally, if my partner were to tell me such a thing, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. I already know she sees me as a sexual being, whether I’m a husband or not. And I know this because most of my relationships start off sexual before proceeding into commitment. So, the whole hookup thing would be moot.
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The Manosphere Saying
To better understand why men would be bothered by this, we need to look at the red pill/manosphere community.
They have a saying: “alpha f_cks, beta bucks.” It’s supposed to explain women’s dual mating strategy, in that when they want short-term relationships, they seek out the handsome, masculine alpha male who knows how to perform in the bedroom. But when they want a long-term relationship, they seek out the dependable beta male nice guy who has his shit together but lacks sex appeal.
The alpha male gets all the sex, while the beta male has to jump through hoops to get it, and even when he does, he will only be getting the watered-down version. In essence, the woman requires the beta male to meet a higher standard — he has to be stable and provide — merely to gain sexual access, while the alpha male only needs to meet one standard: be sexually attractive.
Since the red pill rhetoric has permeated like cancer into the lives of many young men, especially those not having the kind of success they wish with women, it shouldn’t be all that surprising when some men react negatively to being told they are not hookup material; they feel emasculated.
In their mind, it signifies they are not as desirable or fun to be around. None of this takes into account that women are not a monolith; they don’t all like the same type of man. And even among women who do follow this stereotype, there is the factor of youth — people do all kinds of crazy stuff when they are young, only to change as they mature.
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Worry less and enjoy your relationship
All this nonsense about husband or hookup material should not bother men, to be frank.
Your partner chose you. There must be something worthwhile that keeps them around. If everything in your relationship is going smoothly, why should it matter whether or not they would hook up with you? Stop worrying about stupid hypotheticals and enjoy your relationship.
And for those giving compliments, try keeping the focus on the present; abstain from making comparisons between your current partner and people from the past.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: DIEGO SÁNCHEZ on Unsplash
