The Blindsided Breakup: Letting Go

I wanted to let go.

But within 48 hours of ‘the exchange’ of our stuff, he texted and asked to meet to talk.

I should have said no. I’d seen enough, heard enough. But I couldn’t resist, because deep down, it was all I wanted since Winter Wonderland. I thought the talk might give me closure, help me understand, and even ease the hurt. I didn’t realise then that his actions had already given me all the closure I needed.

Still, I had to go. Without this talk, I knew I’d always wonder.

We met for lunch. He was late and on a work call, of course. I should have left, but I didn’t. I stayed. I waited, as I had done so many times before.

He apologised. For what?

For how he broke my heart, but not for breaking it.

He admitted he tried to make it work but couldn’t. He knew I deserved better, but he wasn’t willing or able to give me more. He was overwhelmed by my love and scared by how good I was to him, so he ran.

“You never told me… We could have tried together…”

He said he tried on his own, that it is amazing being my boyfriend, that he kept asking himself, who wouldn’t want to be her boyfriend? She is amazing. She does things no one ever has done for me.

He said he kept looking for a reason to end it, but I never gave him one because I was perfect.

“No one is perfect… Stop saying that please, stop telling me that I am too much, that my love was too much, that I am perfect as the reasons why you are doing this… It hurts.”

He admitted that at Winter Wonderland when he caught one second of negativity from me, ‘the snapping’, he took it as his ticket to exit.

I sat in silence, listening again to the sentences that broke me into a gazillion pieces in Winter Wonderland like once wasn’t enough. I just am not madly in love with you. Lately, I just started to love you 60–70%, and that is not fair to me or fair to you…

I should have left. Yet I stayed again… I tried explaining that love is a choice, it is an action. No one loves anyone the same way every day.

He said I asked too many questions, that he felt smothered by my love, that it was too much for him, and that he couldn’t match everything I was doing for him and the love I was giving him. He said that he was stressed by my desire to spend time together… Things that should’ve brought us closer, he twisted into reasons to push me away. He said it bothered him that I wanted to spend every New Year’s Eve together (jokes on me we didn’t even get to spend one together. 🙂 )… He said everything about me was making him feel like he was losing his independence and freedom.

I again, for some reason, tried to explain… Rather than leave.

“Do you realise all these things were because I love you… and all of these things you could have talked to me about? These are things I could have worked on… I asked a lot of questions because you were a closed book I knew nothing about you unless I asked… I wanted to spend every New Year’s Eve with you because I love that night, and I love you. It has meaning for me it has my whole life. Someone wanting to be with you is something to be happy about, not something that you should use as one of the excuses to break someone’s heart.”

Silence.

Followed by some more made-up assumptions.

He admitted he’d made up fears in his head to justify the breakup, things that never happened. He needed to believe those fears were real so he could abandon me without guilt.

He gave me textbook sentences like ‘You deserve better. I just can’t give you what you need and make you happy…’

I explained avoidant attachment to him, something I had started reading about even during the relationship. (The moment I realised he was an avoidant was the first time he stonewalled me, it was horrific. I had not even heard of that word before.)

I explained how hard I was trying for him, that I had purchased so many books when I noticed his avoidant personality to be better for him, to understand what to do when he got triggered… I told him that everything he was saying to me, and even the blindsiding discard is in every avoidant book.

It was scary at just how right I was, but it was what made it all the more painful because I knew he loved me, I knew it was his attachment triggers, the reason he thrashed our relationship…

But he was right about one thing: I did deserve better. I deserved a better breakup, and I definitely deserved a better relationship with the right person. Not him.

I told him he’d thrown away something great for basically nothing.

He knew it was true. He was many things but stupid wasn’t one of them.

“I can’t end this talk without just saying this one thing… That night, you said that you were unhappy… Just two days before Winter Wonderland, we booked Rome tickets; we made New Year’s Eve plans, you bought me flowers, we had sex all morning… if that is you unhappy, I don’t know if I want to know what you happy is…”

I laughed because it truly is so crazy that it is funny. He also laughed covering his face in embarrassment.

As we parted ways, he walked me back to my door. He leaned in and opened his arms. I stepped in and embraced his arms tightened around me. Tears welled up in my eyes. This hug was what I had longed for since the moment he broke my heart. I just wanted to feel him again, to reassure myself that a few pieces of what we had were real, not all an illusion.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, just holding on.

Then he whispered, “Okay…” and began to pull away. I let go quicker than him, determined not to cry in front of him ever again.

Before he could go, I called after him. “You know, all those nights you made me feel so unsafe, so sad, so hurt… Yet despite you causing all that, it was your arms I wanted to run to. To be in your arms one last time. This hug is what I needed, what we should’ve had, it is how we should have ended. Our relationship deserved this. So, thank you.”

He smiled.

“So… can I finally discard your ‘initial necklace’? It’s time, isn’t it?” I asked.

He laughed, but there was no answer.

“Send me those articles about avoidants,” he replied as he walked away.

Once again, he left the door open just a crack, leaving me confused… Discarding the necklace would’ve meant letting him go for good. He wasn’t ready for that either. But it messed with my head.

Later that day, I opened a bottle of wine and cried for hours, the weight of the hug crashing over me. I missed ‘him’. The him I thought I had. The him I loved, he was gone. He no longer existed. Maybe never did. But that hug was proof that I didn’t make it up all in my head, that there was something real there. Even if just a tiny bit…

When I finally composed myself, I sent him the articles and videos. I also sent the wedding photos he wanted from the event we attended together.
He texted back, asking how my night was, and some more casual texts. It was clear: he was trying to linger, to stay in my life without effort or consequences.

I wasn’t strong enough to not answer, to ignore, to keep him away…

New Year’s Eve… Pain is all I continued to feel. Crying was a part of my daily routine. I couldn’t continue like this… I had to start the new year by getting myself back.

I sent him one last text.

I can’t wait for midnight. I can’t keep hurting, hoping, wishing that somehow we’d make our way back to each other. It was my only wish to spend the new years with you, but since it won’t have you, it has to begin with letting you go. For what it’s worth, loving you was the best part of my 2023, and I hope 2024 is a year where all this makes sense eventually… A year where I can understand why… But till then, just know I really did love you so much, and I will for a while. But I need to slowly stop… I need to let you go. Happy New Year!

It was my final goodbye.

At midnight, he sent me a simple “Happy New Year” with two emojis.
That was it…

A broadcast text after I poured my heart out.

At that moment, I knew it was truly over. He wasn’t going to come back, and I shouldn’t want a man like this to come back. I deserve someone good. I deserve a man who fights for me, for us. A man who puts in the effort and knows love is a choice. That loves me for being too much of everything good, that keeps me safer for it, that protects me because of it, someone that knows love is worth fighting for, that knows giving up on me and us is not an option. Someone who knows my love is special.

Looking back now I did get my wish for 2024. I wanted to understand the why… And I do. I appreciate him freeing me because he wasn’t my one. He didn’t have any of the qualities I truly wanted. I had felt more lonely and unsafe in our relationship than I did when it ended.

If you ask me what is the best and worst thing he did to me?

The best: The discard

The worst: His silence

Yet even though his silence was the cruellest thing he did to me, it is also what pushed me toward something far better, in fact, the best relationship I’ve ever had… A relationship with myself. And that relationship, built on proudly being too much of everything good, on love, respect, and care, is preparing me for the one that will last, with someone who is truly the one, who has all the qualities I want and deserve…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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