The first time I walked through this doorway with the key was New Year’s Day 1993. We had moved in after losing our previous dwelling in Homestead, Florida when the winds and waters of Hurricane Andrew rampaged in August of 1992. I was familiar with beautiful Bucks County, PA, having lived there since 1985, before we headed southward. It felt like a safe place to land since we already had friends and an established community to embrace us. Five years later, a family of three transmuted into a family of two when my husband died of Hepatitis C. My son Adam was 11 at the time and I faced the reality of single parenthood. There was so much to learn about being a solo #boymom. I was certain of one thing only. I could not be both mother and father. It is unrealistic to expect that of anyone. Did I need to do the work of two parents? For sure. We were blessed to have supportive male role models whose values matched mine in most ways. All of them have seen us through the headbutting adolescent and challenging early adult years since Adam is now 35 and the father of my awesome grandchildren, Dean and Lucy. Most of these friends are still in our lives and marvel at the outcome. One, sadly, my son’s go-to guy, Phil Garber, died a week before Adam married the lovely Lauren. Phil and I were going to walk him down the aisle to wait for her at the altar. Instead, Phil’s wife Janet accompanied us with Phil watching from what I called ‘the best seat in the house.’
After Michael (my husband) died, I claimed the space as my own. About 10 years ago, I did some renovations that transformed it from the Floridian shades of flamingo and turquoise and Southwestern decor to Earth tones and eclectic embellishments. Buddha meets Goddess meets faeries meets unicorns meets angels meets dreamcatchers and medicine shields, prayer flags and chakra banners. Color pops from every angle and corner. Outside blossom multi-colored daylily. Twinkle lights, butterfly and Buddha call me to the back deck for lounging. It feels like home to me and I’ve heard it said by others who have crossed the threshold, like a museum with items to draw their attention. Some are gifts from family and friends, others have ‘followed me home,’ because they simply had to. When I die, there will be treasures for people to adopt themselves. I have put my cousin in charge of dispersing these things since she knows the intrinsic value of them.
Over the years the front door got out of alignment. As a result, cold air leaked in. My friend Bill DeHaven is a contractor with an eye for thrift, as well as form and function, beauty, and design. He took a gander and told me I could spend a ton of money on a new door, or he could repair the framing around the original one, followed by a shiny new coat of paint for a fraction of the price. I opted for the latter suggestion. What you see in the photo is the finished result. For me, it isn’t only home improvement. It is whole-life makeover material. There have been times when I feel like I too am out of alignment with my values. Co-dependent by upbringing, I was an emotional contortionist who would often bend over backward to please people. I morphed into an ever-shifting chameleon. There were some moments when I wasn’t sure who I was. One positive that has come from more solitude during the pandemic is to delight in my own company. I have come to really like the woman in the mirror. She keeps me on my toes and comes up with all sorts of fun things to do with other people at her discretion or by herself.
I have gotten better at deciding who I allow to enter the emotional inner sanctum and how and with whom I invest my time and energy. For such a long time, I had few boundaries and figured I was supposed to be ‘on’ for whoever needed me. Now, not so much. It occurred to me that I would do that 1- because I could and had the ability to meet most requests and 2-because I had taught people to expect it from me.
I have fun with this exercise as I create my new life and invite you to play along.
Imagine a doorway through which you will be stepping.
Describe the size, shape, color, and design of the door. Put your hands on its surface. Is it rough or smooth? Does it feel warm, cold, hot, or cool to the touch? Do you hear a sound as you walk through? Take a full breath to notice if there’s an aroma wafting about. What do your senses perceive as you step across? Remember that this is your portal to walk through—your life to design as you so choose.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please support our mission and join us as a Premium Member.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
Photo provided by the author. (the hug welcome mat was a gift from my son and daughter-in-law and the peace sign from her parents. Do they all know me, or what?)