Michael Amity asks us to think ahead before we lash out against people who’ve hurt us.
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A silly story came across my newsfeed about a guy who responds to his cheating ex’s pleas for forgiveness with tricks and witty memes.
On the surface, the moral—as it stands now—is: two wrongs make a viral hit when an amateur jokester makes his disloyal ex eat her hat. Digging deeper, I see a matter more unsettling.
How fair is it to punish someone who hurts you? In what way, if any, can we condone something as childish as this public-shaming? I believe that hitting Like and Share buttons, retweeting, etc. are forms of sanctioning. And maybe that’s the problem, as it gears us towards results that are weightless, relatively, in the realm of positive movement.
This is more than an insensitive exchange riddled with desperation, it is a private conversation laced with violent rhetoric, that–as quickly as a celebrity gaffe caught on TMZ–is turning into the public hoo-rah of the day. Judging from the amount of attention it’s gotten, I’d say the kids are all about it.
In the age of social media, more outrageous nonsense is forthcoming, to be sure. But this is a detriment, I say, as it may tie to a real life outburst. The threats he made are in no ways serious, but are in many ways real, and a bad example to view in our daily blend. I’m no psychologist but I know a seed when it gets planted. This is a sad bowl of soup we’re stirring, and I don’t want to sip it. What if some copycat tries to outdo him—to make the nonsense more real?
My hope is that people will understand humans are not always rational, in general. And though some discretionary reactions are to be expected, and written off as malarkey, I’m concerned that this trend is getting worse. Mistakes are made, yes, but threats aren’t cool. Memes are funny, of course, but life is about more than how many Likes you can get (duh!).
Don’t share your fights with the world. It’s a ridiculous idea. This guy’s anger, however understandable, is no excuse to publicize their communication. And yet, I am guessing his goal was to do just that. So a desire for popularity fueled his insensitivity. What else is new?
Don’t do what this guy did. It’s bad to pull knucklehead-type pranks to maybe get a burst of notoriety. Do you really want to hit it big with something kitschy? Even if you’re not going to trot their dirty laundry across the web, do you care enough to shun something in a way that can help? Do you want to win the argument, or be your best self?
Sometimes the best move is to simply ignore your frustrations right as you’re going through them. It will pass. Other times, expressing them suddenly is best, but make sure you know that getting Likes is never going to make the pain go away. At best it’ll be transferred, and that’s no solution.
And she, the ex-, is to blame for her actions as much as she is blameless for his, and vice versa. Kids are kids, and while I can’t speak to what she did, this exchange was carried out by him in an excercise to humiliate. And his choice of retaliatory insults and comebacks do not reflect on any mature level how he might feel. Why then does his hate-spewing go viral? I know we’ve all been hurt, but that’s no excuse, clearly. I’m angry that these comments are normal for our day, and call attention to this fact, as it is quite possible our social ills are latching on a wider net.
A few lessons to take away from this:
1. Be mindful of words used during a fight. If you know you’re in the right, there’s no need to squander it. Knowing you’re in the wrong is tough. When apologizing, I suggest special care be given to timing, not just words. Provide emotions with room to settle and unfurl between talks. Let a resolution come slow and naturally. Moving too soon could provoke an unforeseen backlash.
2. Be careful how you act, on either side, when deciding to communicate strong emotions like anguish, and even humor. The day may come when you regret any or all of it.
3. If you feel like fighting, take a step back from any urges to inflict pain. The end will not be improved by this, and certain blowback can occur, even if only in memories. Hurt lingers on. Be compassionate. “Good,” some may say from the prospect of revenge. But I say, “War begets war.” You can get your points across, but remember, context is what matters, and that is being lost in our soundbite world. Joy is the greatest comeback. It speaks for itself.
Photo: Flickr/Joi Ito
When a woman does it, they call it empowering! When a man does the same thing, they call it childish! If this was a woman who humiliated her philandering boyfriend this way, it would be declared a collective victory for all women- especially ones who have been cheated on by men- and she would be high-fived with “you go girl.”
Exactly. Thank you.
Well, many men (and women) are high-fiving the guy. And if a woman would do that I would still find it ridiculous. But what can we do, then? If something bad a gender does is rewarded we should just overlook and also reward when the other gender does the same, is that it? Or reprehend both? I choose to reprehend both.
Also, I hope people get what the article is about, that was not gendered.
Assuming that the series of text messages were real: She said he was the best guy ever, and then she cheated on him with his best friend – destroying not one, but TWO relationships. He’s walked away and written her off, and then – narcissist psycho that she is – she has the nerve to start stalking him via text messages. Yes, that’s right. STALKING. Read the series of messages again. It has nothing to do with her being genuinely sorry. Once you get the context, it’s hard to argue about what he did in response – again, assuming this… Read more »
Karma is not something WE do. Tempting as it is to play the role of vengeance, the story of Hamlet teaches us it better not to is all I’m saying. I am asking for kindness. But the thing that hurts me is that it is ok (based on the reactions of many) in this situation to make a crude joke and share it. That the crudeness is the driving force of its virility. That the goal of pain inflection is what the viewers are relating to. Strange that people of all walks of life can disagree about the existence of… Read more »
Michael Amity: I prefer a sense of distance from wrongdoing, not ducking it out. It may be fine to lay out a case in public, to shame mercilessly on occasion, but in petty matters? — So you think that cheating on someone with their best friend is a PETTY MATTER? OK…if that’s your frame, then I understand why you’re making a big hand-wringing fuss over his action. But frankly, most people consider this kind of betrayal anything but petty. In fact, most people would say this is about as big as betrayal can get. I happen to agree with that… Read more »
Thank you for this sincere and well put explanation.
If ever I was in pain, yes. I get it. Let them have it. The downside is the consequences you will get for what you do. “Hurt people hurt people.” Where does it end?
Every cheater (swears they) got cheated on. It troubles me deeply.
I would say that lowering yourself to the dirty deeds level is a bad look. After growing up, I decided to not ever waste the upper hand in life. Enjoy it.
So, I remember reading the article this article was based off of and thinking it was amazingly fake. I find it hard to believe that any individual is ignorant enough to keep provoking someone who is publicly posting their fights (she acknowledged such) for so long. That being said, I am aware that that is not the point. However, while social media has exacerbated the problem, it is by far NOT the first example of public shaming; such has been around for a few hundred years (coming to particular light after the industrial revolution and the renewed importance of patrilineal… Read more »
Thank you for your very thoughtful statement.
If it’s fake, that means the kid took time to carefully craft a mock-episode of emotional waste. In that regard, since it worked at sparking a talk, he succeeded. This could give us a deeper insight… To what?
Why is it ok to lash out? Why do we cheer for revenge? Who is this person that I am? Society has given us a really good opportunity to self-examine. Let’s use it.
People have always lauded spectacle; it is a form of social commentary that most everyone can relate too. Revenge feels good for a plethora of reasons; religion often teaches that wickedness deserves comeuppance; personal experiences are easy links to define here (who has not had someone that–in a weak moment–we wish we could toy with in such a fashion?). Humor often can come from inappropriateness, the so-called “low brow” angle. Thus, the acknowledgement of humor is indirectly the acknowledgement of the inappropriateness; I understand your concern is the people who don’t register it as “funny” but as “just deserved”. Betrayal… Read more »
You state a good case. I thought this as well and in truth agree fully. However, and I don’t subscribe to this but, there is a pass-around mentality, a brotherhood of cheaters and womanizers amongst young “bros”. They are taught the code is: not to blame the friend for what any guy would do. He’s even helped in a way by keeping it “in the family”. This exposure of a bad girlfriend was brought to light by a friend, one who is distinctly “bro”ish. Testing that mantra is a can of worms on its own. The problems this meme-man is… Read more »
I understand; in my years of study, it’s a small section of the male gender that feels that way. Unsurprisingly, it tents to also be the most misogynistic as well.
I don’t really see anything wrong with this. In reverse, it would be completely socially acceptable. You cheat on someone and act like a selfish snot about it, you deserve the public humiliation. It’s that simple, no way around it. If this was in reverse, and a man was shamed for cheating on his girlfriend, the internet would be calling her a feminist icon. So fair is fair, public humiliation knows no gender. You’re an asshole regardless of what private parts you have (the “you” being a generality, I’m not referring to the author). Well-written article, but this is a… Read more »
Actually, I’m going to change that last sentence. DIdn’t base it on an individual-to-individual basis, so that was wrong of me to say
Cheating does not deserve empathy. But cheaters… they are still people.
People take things go too far. I have heard people saying cheaters should die, go to jail or never receive help when in need, etc. Public humiliating in this case (or most/any cases) are never fair, for both genders, in my opinion.
B.S.! There could not be enough public shaming for someone who has ex with your best friend. YOU are a giant pussy for writing this…especially if you really believe it. Your article is not only poorly written but ridiculous in content
The kid says “murder your family” and he’s not the one we ridicule, you are in tune with the larger problem, sir.
At least you aren’t calling for my death, which others have on other articles. Geez who knew “poor writing” could cause such hostile responses. As I say in this one, “threats aren’t cool.” Even though you’re acting childish, you aren’t as low as this guy who thinks it funny to post jokes about that.
Good thing people who want to feel empowerment that way ultimately find they are weaker. Funny how that works.
Michael, I appreciated this article, and this man was horribly rude for saying this, but there is something I don’t think you are comprehending based off your arguments; the “murder your family” thing is clearly an example of extreme hyperbole intended by the male in the meme machine, much like Mr. Swift calling for the eating of babies to solve hunger in A Modest Proposal.
If a viral event happens and interpretations on language are open, then yes, it is a good show. This wasn’t art. I acknowledge the treat was a ploy, not serious. But if he succeeds with the murder line to win more fans, we have all a bit of pondering to do.
This did not start with the advent t
of social media unless one considers tv social media. women shaming men was and is still perfectly acceptable behavior-hello Dr Phil. Phil Donahue did it first and Oprah refined it to an art form, making tons of money in the process. Shaming men over infidelity is still very acceptable and popular.
Comparatively, I think we hear about the shame of women -heaters more, while we excuse male cheaters as status quo.
You are good for bringing up your issue with our system, but respectfully, I hope everyone sees the advice I give as non specific to gender.
Women have been using social media to shame men for bad behavior and have gotten mixed reactions (Adria Richards) to outright support (hollerback). Once you let the genie out of the bottle, how do you put it back? Where would you draw the distinction if there is one? I can’t support what he did even if I might derive some visceral satisfaction from it if I followed the story. I caution guys at work all the time when they get into disagreements with coworkers / customers, always do the right thing and you won’t get into trouble. It might be… Read more »
I am sorry but men also use social media to shame women. This isn’t a gender issue. Sometimes men want to even shame women when there has been no “bad behavior”. There seems to sometimes be this collective male mentality about “punishing” the female gender. There is a little thing called “revenage porn” which is largely men posting pictures of women online without their knowledge or consent. Think about how many of those pictures get reblogged, reposted and shared with other men and how it ends up all over the place. Think about how many women have naked pictures of… Read more »
“There seems to sometimes be this collective male mentality about “punishing” the female gender.” That is unfortunately true and it is mostly because of sex (she had sex with someone else; she does not want him anymore – no more sex, etc.). Other men online will actually help these criminals and will humiliate even more the females victims of this crime with violent messages, violence and rape threats, etc. And many people still blame the women in the end, because they let the men film them. I have never heard about a male being victim of this crime… I wonder… Read more »
Thank you Josh. Yes, the woman is still blamed around the idea of “why was she so stupid to let a man film her.” I suspect part of has to do with the fact that a lot of men seem to enjoy bonding with other men over images of women. Which could be another topic onto itself because I think this is a huge problem in how men learn to relate to women. But women don’t seem to have the same bonding over images of other men in that same way. I also don’t think women would make rape threats… Read more »
I’ve been there and the women don’t think it’s any big thing, but if I went out and cheated (which I have never done nor have any desire too), I’m sure they would have had a whole different take on things. Same can be said if this were a woman doing this instead of a man. In fact I’ve seen it when women get a hold of their BF phone and snoop through texts – there’s an immediate posting of texts and hijacking of FB accounts with none of this ‘Oh, the girls a real dick to treat him this… Read more »
There is so NOTHING funny about that guy’s responses in the first place. And that all of this has been made public is even the more immature, disrespectful and just about everything that’s wrong with the world of the 21st century. People who cheat may be acting in a “lowest of the low” way – but a person as such is never the “lowest of the low”. The public reactions on the alleged killing of Osama Bin Laden – there was (is) nothing “part being human” about it; except the being childish part, selfish and unkind. But all of you… Read more »
The public reactions on the alleged killing of Osama Bin Laden – there was (is) nothing “part being human” about it; except the being childish part, selfish and unkind. — “Alleged” killing? You think maybe he died of a heart attack? But you’re right. People can be childish, selfish, and unkind. I was always struck by the temper tantrums of Jesus, especially the one where he started actually beating the money changers in the temple. This bit reminds me more of his public shamings and excoriations of his followers, like when he called his buddy Peter “Satan”. De Imitatione Christi!… Read more »
Many of us believe he did not get killed. That maybe he is still alive. Or maybe that he was maybe just another America’s puppet. Yes, the whole world does not believe the American Government that much.
And lol about Jesus! Who knows if he actually existed, if what they say about him on the Bible is the truth… good guy, in general, anyways. 🙂
Yeah, because you know, when a man cheats it’s all about sex and therefore his fault, but when a woman cheats (with his ‘best friend’, talk about rubbing your nose in it!) it’s also the mans fault because he clearly wasn’t ‘giving her what she needs’. So he should step back and reflect as to what he did wrong!
Oh yeah, lets top it off with a quote from a known pedophile , Micheal Jackson!
On your first comment, you may be reading into the gender aspect more than I intended. This is about respect.
Slander speaks to the point of this article.
For the record, Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all charges against him in 2005, and he counter-sued for extortion on his first round of allegations. While you may be right what you say, you don’t know. So I am pointing to the fact that your claim is not substantiated by the jury’s decision who was privy to more info.
Exposure is always best when dealing with a person who cheats. It is the quickest and most effective way of getting them out of their fog. People who cheat are, more times than not, the lowest of the lows. They don’t deserve consideration.
If a good result came from exposure, fine. But I’m saying its wrong to seek fame by it. That’s a bad example when all you’re showcasing is a crude understanding of relationship dynamics.
A few lessons to take away from this: 1. Be mindful of words used during a fight. If you know you’re in the right, there’s no need to squander it. Knowing you’re in the wrong is tough. When apologizing, I suggest special care be given to timing, not just words. Provide emotions with room to settle and unfurl between talks. Let a resolution come slow and naturally. Moving too soon could provoke an unforeseen backlash. — Well, it doesn’t look to me like he was in a fight at all. She was foolish enough to communicate with him after he… Read more »
As I said at the top, “two wrongs make a viral hit” is the moral. Is that the way we want it? Humans love revenge, but are capable of better.
Yup, keep public sharing as close to flatline as possible. We might all become Japanese someday.
But people are capable of growth and change, and it’s better to take a relationship at face value, not based on how they were and who they were with other people! (addressed to Jay).
To the author of this article, thank you for a sane and wise response to the spiraling chaos of social media being used for public fights and shaming.
Thank you! It means a lot to have a crack at positive re-framing.
I want people to know that a cheating partner is unfaithful, if the rumor gets around enough maybe people will stop giving them chances.
Oh, you’re not trying to pretend to be a good world-saving Samaritan here, are you? Because when you “get the rumor around” you’re doing it our of vengeance and malice only.