This man gets honest about some heartbreaking things he put his love through that he wishes he could take back.
The first time I saw you I knew my life would never be the same.
You said hello, but I couldn’t hear your words because your beauty put me in a trance. No, I’m not joking, the rest of the world was tuned out; all I could see was you.
You hated me at first, you thought I was an arrogant asshole, I was 17 and thought I knew everything, you were right. Over time you saw past my immaturity, and we started to become friends.
Six months after we met, I asked you to marry me, my heart stopped when you said yes. We were on cloud nine and excited to take on the world together.
I wish we could have captured that happiness in a bottle and released it when the hard times hit us, but that’s not reality. The truth is we wouldn’t have needed it if I were better to you.
There were so many times I messed up, so many things I did wrong and wish I could do over again.
1. I wish I had never pushed you
Those first few years I struggled with the demons from my past and took them out on you. Getting physical was ingrained in me, and a cycle I had to break, but there was NO excuse to put my hands on you.
I was a jerk and caused many fights. You tried to talk to me like I was a man, but I acted like a boy.
I remember that fateful day like it was yesterday, I’ve tried to erase the nightmare from my mind. We had a fight, we both got loud, but I took it too far by pushing you.
You have forgiven me but I’ve struggled to forgive myself because I was so wrong. I couldn’t live without you and never want to cause you any pain.
2. I wish I had never cheated on you
We got married at 18 and I was completely satisfied in every way. You took care of me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Our sex life was absolutely incredible, yet I wondered.
Wondering should have stayed where it was, but when we fought, I started listening to some evil thoughts in the back of my mind. Those thoughts got louder as I looked at other women.
Eventually I failed and gave into temptation. I cheated on you; I betrayed your trust and broke your heart. The words “I’m sorry” aren’t good enough. The only thing I can do is vow to put our love above my carnal desires. I will never betray our love again.
3. I wish I wasn’t so jealous
It’s too natural to have friends of the opposite sex, yet I acted like every friendship you had with another man was a betrayal. I was projecting what I had done on your innocent friendships. I was wrong, I’m sorry. I had no reason to be jealous; I was the one at fault.
4. I wish I wasn’t so controlling
You just wanted to live your life and I acted like every trip you made to the grocery store was a chance for you to cheat. You gave me no reason to doubt you, or try to control you, yet just like an asshole, I did. I wish I could take back those times when I shamed you and tried to control you, but I can’t. Thank you for forgiving me.
5. I wish I had more patience with you
You were more than patient with my immaturity, you put up with all my emotional issues. I wish I had been there for you in the same way. I wish I were patient with you. I vow to be patient and listen to every single word you say to me every time we’re together.
6. I wish I chose to love you everyday, every minute
When we first got married, I was confused and thought love was a feeling. There were times when I didn’t “feel” like I was in love. As I got older, and matured, I learned that love is NOT a feeling. It’s a decision.
I wish I had decided to love you all the time, even those moments when I didn’t “feel” it. I wish I had chosen love over desire, anger, and jealousy. I wish I had realized and decided to love you every second, not when I felt like it. I won’t make that mistake again.
7. I wish I was a real man
I was a boy when I met you, and too many times in our relationship I still am. I didn’t know what it meant to be a real man; I just did what I thought a “real” man did.
I wish I had decided to grow up and take our relationship as serious as you did. I wish I never pushed you, I wish I never cheated; I wish I wasn’t a jealous asshole. I wish I had loved you every minute of our life together.
I have failed in so many ways but by some miracle you stayed with me. You looked past the jerk that I was, and chose to love me despite it. Words can’t express how much I love you.
So instead of giving you words, I want to thank you with my action. For everyday we have left on this earth together, I will do everything in my power to love you the way you have loved me.
I don’t deserve you, and you should have left, but you’re still here. Thank God. I’m done being a boy. I will be a man worthy of your love.
Hey you reading this, I wrote this for you. Who, you ask? The guy that is, right now, going through this. On the surface, and to the public, you have your shit together. Behind closed doors is another story entirely.
You are doing some or all of the things on this list as we speak, but putting on a good front. By some miracle my love stayed with me but the truth is she should have left. Your partner should too.
My message is STOP! No one deserves to be treated this way. You need to get honest with yourself about your demons. Get real with your partner or talk to a professional, but break the cycle. Love shouldn’t be this hard and you have the power to stop.
My wife and I have been married for sixteen years now and I can honestly tell you I haven’t been guilty of a single thing on this list in the last ten years. I broke the cycle and so can you.
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Photo: Flickr/ Benurs – Learning and lear