Are Coffee Dates a Huge Turn Off?!

Are Coffee Dates Really Low Effort?

Matt: Wow, it was so good meeting you.

Her: Oh, it was great talking to you, too.

Matt: Yeah, that was a fun conversation. Maybe we could exchange numbers?

Her: Yeah, I’d love that.

Matt: I’m actually free on Friday afternoon next week if you wanted to do something then. Maybe get together and get coffee.

Her: Coffee?

Matt: Oh, yeah. You just order at the counter. I never understood why people don’t bring coffee table books to coffee shops. What is that—almond milk?

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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

The Internet’s Coffee Date Debate

A big controversy that’s taken over the internet when it comes to early dating rules is that of the coffee date.

On Reddit, people are asking, “Are coffee dates really low effort?” Then there are all the TikToks that suggest if you accept a coffee date, you’re essentially positioning yourself as a low-value person.

Try telling that to Sir Benedict Ashworth, who just spent half his monthly salary importing expensive beans from Yemen so he could flirt in a candlelit coffee house.

Once upon a time, coffee was a hallmark of luxury and intellectualism, but that’s not necessary for this video.

These are from Costco.

Even on my own channel, when I put up a poll and asked whether you’d like to see a video about coffee dates, someone commented:

I think coffee dates are low effort and are truly for broke high schoolers or college kids.

When it comes to coffee dates, there are plenty of people who see the benefit. They’re low stakes, easy to end if things aren’t going well, and affordable.

They’re a great way to test chemistry, and if a coffee date goes really well, it can always turn into dinner.

Despite this, they get so much pushback online.

Effort Matters, But Context Matters Too

I want to start by saying: I get it.

There is nothing more unattractive than someone who has zero plan, puts zero thought into a date, shows up having put no effort into their appearance, and generally shows no respect for the fact that you’ve come out to meet them.

A date is a vulnerable act to begin with—meeting up and taking a chance on someone you’ve never been with in person before. The least we can do is put in a little effort for each other.

But we have to put this in a historical context.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go back to 17th-century Europe. But even if we go back just 50 years, people had far more certainty before the formal date ever happened.

That is the crucial distinction.

People met through work, friends, school, church, bars, parties, and repeated social environments.

So by the time someone said, “Do you want to go to dinner sometime?” there had usually already been flirting, conversation, observation, familiarity, social proof, mutual friends, and a sense of chemistry building.

Even if you met someone in a bar 20 years ago, before apps existed, you may have spent three hours talking and realizing you liked them.

At that point, it might have been weird to say, “We’ve been talking for three hours. Want to go for coffee next week?” Dinner sounds appropriate.

In other words, the screening process happened organically before the official date.

App culture changed that.

Now people are talking to multiple people at once—people they’ve never met, heavily curated versions of people, people who may disappear tomorrow, people who may not resemble their photos, and people who may not have any genuine intention whatsoever.

Which means the first date is often the screening process itself.

In that context, a low-stakes coffee date suddenly feels far more rational than it might have in previous generations.

Criticism #1: “High-Value Women Don’t Accept Coffee Dates”

A lot of TikTokers and influencers claim that women who accept coffee dates are acting “low value.”

I do not accept a coffee or a walk as a possible date option, and neither should you. First of all, I’m not a dog that needs to be walked. Second, I have an espresso machine at home. Works fabulous.

I used to use the term high-value behavior in my work, and then I stopped because I didn’t like the way it sounded anymore.

The argument these people make is that a woman who respects herself wouldn’t show up to meet someone who isn’t paying a lot to spend time with her.

To that I say: you must never have gotten a coffee in West Hollywood.

Look, if our value is so easily lost that it disappears by showing up on a coffee date, there is a fragility in how we see our own value.

Your value is not dependent on how much someone is willing to spend on you. That gives other people way too much power. It also starts a relationship as a transaction.

People are confusing investment with intention.

Expensive does not equal serious. It doesn’t automatically equal generous. Likewise, inexpensive doesn’t mean unserious.

Effort matters. Intentionality matters. Thoughtfulness matters. Generosity matters.

But none of those things are perfectly measured by money.

There’s a difference between someone saying, “Let’s grab coffee,” and someone saying, “There’s a gorgeous café I love near the park. Want to go Sunday afternoon?”

And even within this logic, the argument becomes contradictory.

You could say, “I’m so high value that I only have time for coffee with someone before I know whether I like them.”

I’m not making that as a serious point. Dinner can be a great date.

My point is that many of these rules about gaining or losing value fall apart under scrutiny.

The “We’ll See” Mindset

One of the things I advocate in early dating is the “we’ll see” mindset.

Instead of rushing to label someone as special or imagining a future together, remind yourself that you’re still in the discovery phase.

Tell yourself:

I’m enjoying getting to know this person, but we’ll see.

Don’t project all of your hopes and dreams onto them.

Remember, the top job in your life—the role of life partner—has to be earned.

Women find this advice incredibly useful.

It’s also useful for men. It’s useful for anyone who tends to rush in and overinvest early on.

If a guy applies this advice, he might say:

I often overdo it by trying too hard to impress someone on a first date instead of spending time with them and seeing what happens.

If he’s applying that advice, I don’t think he should necessarily be criticized for not investing more by someone who is also benefiting from not investing too much.

The Museum and Zoo Date Problem

When we discussed this on the Love Life podcast, someone said:

There are plenty of men who have invited me on thoughtful dates, like going to my favorite museum and then the zoo afterwards. Coffee is just thoughtless, effortless, and lazy.

That’s a lot for me.

A first date where you go to a museum and then the zoo afterwards?

What if you don’t like the person? You’re stuck.

That’s a hostage situation.

David: Yeah, but what if you’re looking at the gorillas?

Matt: It’s still a long first date to be stuck at the zoo with someone you don’t like. Even if there are gorillas.

David: You don’t like gorillas?

Matt: I like gorillas. I’m just saying I don’t have time right now to answer this question.

I get hundreds of questions a week. I can’t possibly get to every one.

Which is why I took all of my content, every live event, every paid program, every thought I’ve ever had, and every piece of advice on dating, relationships, and confidence and put it into a digital mind: Matthew AI.

It’s a mind anyone can access anytime to ask the thing they’re dying to ask—the information they need to move forward.

Whether it’s decoding a confusing text, figuring out the next best move, knowing what to say in a difficult conversation, or asking for more commitment.

People can try it for free at askmh.com and get my answer to their biggest love-life question in the next 60 seconds.

Criticism #2: Investment Is Disproportionate for Women

A lot of women argue that getting ready for a date involves a long process.

Many women spend significant time and money on appearance—from microneedling sessions to makeup, hair, skincare, nails, outfits, shaving, and that scary-looking red-light mask you wear before bed.

To be fair, men do some of these things too. We are living in a world with some of the most metrosexual men that have ever existed.

All of this costs time and money.

Research shows that women who opt out of these beauty standards can be penalized in the workplace and society because women are judged more harshly on appearance than men.

I’m not dismissing any of those burdens.

But if it’s important to you never to go on a coffee date, that’s your choice.

The issue is that every dating culture comes with consequences.

One consequence of rejecting coffee dates outright is that you may be saying no to some really great people who are willing to invest as they get to know you.

It can be dangerous to conclude that it’s a stranger’s responsibility to compensate for broader societal issues.

If we only measure seriousness through expensive first dates, we risk filtering out people who are genuinely intentional but cautious about investing too much too soon.

The Cost of Dating

It’s also worth acknowledging the sheer cost of dating when it’s primarily felt on one side.

If dinner costs $100–$200 and someone goes on four dates a month while always picking up the tab, that’s $800 a month spent on people who may not be right for them.

I’ve seen people argue online:

If you’re too broke to date, you shouldn’t be dating.

That is an extraordinarily cruel thing to suggest.

Our financial status should not preclude us from a life of love.

I’ve seen women say:

If a man can’t afford dinner for two, he shouldn’t be dating.

I’ve also seen older men proclaim that if you can’t take someone to dinner, you’re not ready for marriage.

Both positions involve an enormous amount of judgment based on a single invitation.

Be skeptical of anyone who seeks to gatekeep dating.

Those people can rob you of the right person by giving you filters that are too rigid, or rob you of confidence by making you feel unworthy.

Criticism #3: Coffee Dates Are Boring

I do get this.

Someone taking you to Starbucks on a first date is probably going to be a turnoff for many people.

I understand that.

“I have a mocha frappa-bippy-boapa with light foam for Steve.”

“So where do you work?”

I get it.

Some locations simply don’t feel romantic.

But someone might take you to a coffee shop they genuinely love, and that can be intentional and meaningful.

Besides, this video isn’t really about coffee shops at all.

It’s about the nature of first dates.

There are many fantastic first dates that don’t cost a dime.

If we create rules that someone must spend money on us to be considered a viable candidate, we may miss amazing people.

What a First Date Is Really For

People tell me all the time that dating has become impossible.

Many can’t even get someone to the point of a date.

In a world where meeting up in person feels increasingly difficult, I don’t think the answer is to raise the activation energy of a date to “dinner or nothing.”

I think we need to make it easier to get on dates where real connection can be built.

A first date is simply a chance for two people, hopefully in a low-stakes and enjoyable way, to find out if they like each other enough to do it again.

In many ways, the second date is more of a date than the first because it’s the date where you’ve actually decided to continue.

For a first date, a coffee, a walk in the park, sitting by a river, or getting ice cream is not a statement about anyone’s worth.

It’s simply two human beings spending time together and deciding whether there’s enough there to continue.

The Real Question

Rather than obsessing over the quality of the venue, ask yourself about the quality of the person sitting in front of you.

What are they like to spend time with?

The best dates aren’t determined by what you do. They’re determined by who you’re with.

Some of the strongest relationships begin in the smallest, simplest moments—not because someone spent the most money, but because sitting across from that person felt easy.

There are couples who have been married for 40 years whose first date started with ice cream and a walk in the park.

There are others going through painful breakups whose first date was lavish and expensive.

If what we’re looking for is something meaningful and lasting, then connection is what matters.

The activity and the money spent are far less important than that.

To be clear, this is not an advertisement for coffee dates.

It’s an advertisement for not finding yet another way to cynically and prematurely disqualify people in a world where connection is already hard enough.

Leave me a comment below letting me know your favorite first date, or a first date you’d love to go on if someone invited you.

I’ll be reading the comments, and I’ll see you in next week’s video.

Matt: Oh, Audrey, just the lady I was looking for. Might I interest you in a double espresso on the patio?

Audrey: It’s 6:30 p.m. I’m getting ready for bed. I’m cozy.

Matt: Okay. Well, I made this whole video to try and secure that date, so it was pointless. Good night.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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