“This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.” — Instagram
After my last piece, I made a promise to myself to slowly but steadily swerve away from the hefty baggage I’ve lugged around for the past few years, i.e., getting a divorce and all the extra carry-ons that come along with that process. However, if I can recap this story without breaking my heart again, there’s a lesson worth bending the rules for hidden in its depths.
Relationships are complicated. They are far more complex than any nine-minute article I can churn out, and when they are so intricately intertwined with disgrace, deceit, and disorder — you’ve got a whole smorgasbord of issues that could keep you stagnant for years.
I want more.
That’s why I keep showing up here, piece by piece. I desire something more fulfilling (and sustainable) in my life than staying in the same nauseating place, spewing the same vile stories, and recounting the same foul discord from my ex because it only allows him to take up more space in my place — word after word.
If I’m honest, you deserve more depth and progress from me too.
Speaking of growth, here’s the first promise I made to myself and the world when I started my “wound-care” last year:
Realizing that directly quoting my ex in my stories no longer felt productive was a massive milestone for me. And, of course — I wanted to share this breakthrough with you. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before; I suppose I wasn’t ready, and I knew that if I wanted a real chance at healing those pus-filled infections, I literally had to come clean first.
But now I’m ready to wrap that sh*t up.
Instead of my stories’ focal point being my ex’s poisonous patterns, I’m turning over a new leaf to shed a bright light on my pages instead. In honor of myself, I will stop dragging my divorce around like a chain everywhere I go. So, without overly explaining myself (I’m working on that too) and making this introduction any longer, here are three examples of how I healed one ‘No thank you’ at a time:
You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.
Two months after my ex had been paying my son’s cell phone bill that he unilaterally chose to connect, he informed me that half of the invoice would be deducted from the monthly child support he pays me. My ex was also kind enough to break down what my new support payment would be going forward. My theory behind this whole production was: It was a tantrum (one of many) and his way of regaining control over two things he didn’t have control of — me and the court system. My reflex emotion was extreme frustration for my ex having the “balls” to handle this situation the way he did. But upon further reflection, I believed that for someone to have robust and righteous rocks in my book, they would speak to their ex-wife respectfully, like an equal partner in this co-parenting gig, and wouldn’t devalue them any chance they got.
Takeaway
I’ve said it before, and I’ll gladly repeat it: I am so damn proud of myself for continuing to treat my ex-husband with kindness and respect no matter how he chooses to handle things on his end. If you’re upset, they win. They want an emotional reaction to regain control; don’t give it to them. Now I fully understand what ‘killing them with kindness’ means.
Stand your ground.
This was my second ‘No thank you’ after my ex-husband insisted I owed him money for the cell phone bill. I want the world to know that if my ex-husband and the father of my children were capable of treating me with decency and the equality I deserve, instead of his grandiose delusions of superiority, I’d be more than happy to co-parent with him.
I want that.
However, I think the best we can do right now is perpendicular parenting. I’m familiar with “parallel parenting,” which means my ex-husband and I are heading in the same direction with similar goals (i.e., the best interest of our kids). I believe perpendicular parenting is a more accurate description because we inevitably cross paths once in a while, but we are moving in opposite directions. For example, I’m going up, and he’s traveling far left.
Takeaway
One of those most beautiful words in the world is a resounding “NO.” Say it loud, proud, kindly, and mean it. If I managed to say no to my ex-husband (something I rarely did when we were married) and was even polite about it — you can too.
Growth is a beautiful thing.
My third ‘No thank you’ came after my ex told me that not only did he ‘expect’ payment of the current bill, but I owed him from last month as well. He wouldn’t drop it and had to have the last word.
Takeaway
I’ve learned that you will get dirty if you roll around in the mud with a pig, and before you know it, you’ll be caked in filth. That is just not something I’m interested in anymore.
These days, I prefer to stay clean and stoic.
Sometimes, in life, you will be pushed to assert your boundaries over and over again as a parent does with their unruly child. Nevertheless, growth is necessary and will be uncomfortable.
The most satisfying ‘No thank you’ to date.
After the cell phone drama (and three polite responses later), I took my son to the Optometrist for a set of new glasses; my boy needs his glasses every day to function.
I suppose we all have needs. And by now, it’s no secret that I am hustling and bustling to rebuild my life from the ground floor up. That said — the courts don’t care how I do it; they want me to become self-supporting within a specific time frame.
I want that, too.
Truth be told, I wish I didn’t need my ex-husband’s support to get back on my feet. (Our future goals do align for once.) I wish I hadn’t become entirely dependent on him during our kids’ younger years. But, I guess that’s what I get for trusting the man I married, eh? In the meantime, my kids need things. So when it came time to pay for my son’s glasses, I lovingly whipped out my credit card and moved on with our day.
I want to zoom out here for a moment and express my gratitude for my kids having top-notch medical coverage. It’s one less thing I have to worry about moving forward. And my kids don’t have to suffer any more than they already are because their dad and I couldn’t get on the same page.
After my ex was mind-numbingly antagonistic in the previous months, he thanked me for getting my son a new pair of glasses and insisted I bill him for half the cost in pure Jekyll-and-Hyde fashion. I suppose paying for my son’s glasses on my own was a double whammy to my ex’s ego: 1.) Because I didn’t ask for his help, and 2.) Because perhaps after he read my response, he felt guilty for how he treated me and handled the cell phone bill situation. Unfortunately, I’ve learned to keep the communication with my ex to a bare minimum. Most of the time, the forty dollars isn’t worth the ruckus.
Takeaway
When there’s a push-and-pull dynamic stronger than the force of nature itself — let go.
I’ve never had to pass a kidney stone.
When I became a mother, I vowed to be there for my kids all the time or as often as humanly possible. (Even though sometimes I felt I had to be superhuman to keep my promise.) For the better part of twelve years, I have always put my kids first. Always. Even before me. And I voluntarily pushed anything I wanted or needed to the wayside.
Then, I got a divorce and was strong-armed into 50/50 custody with my kids’ dad.
Regrettably, back when I was married, my vow as a mother also meant free reign for my ex. I held myself responsible for things I shouldn’t have, and he was more than okay with this destructive pattern. He worked and supported us financially, and I happily took on the burden of everything else. It was the least I could do while he was busting his hump at work every day. So, there I was, tumbling down the rabbit hole of toxic femininity while my ex-husband gained more power and control over my life. And before I knew it, the imbalances in our marriage were catastrophic and stupefying.
This brings me to today, where even though it hurt like hell (like passing a kidney stone) — I said, ‘No thank you.’
My daughter had a school holiday that fell on my ex’s custodial time. Technically, our custody exchanges are after school, but that particular morning my ex threatened to drop my daughter off early unless I said otherwise. For context, this threat comes from a bitter and controlling guy who told me I couldn’t talk to my kids one day because I had just talked to them yesterday. But, when things are convenient for him, e.g., a kid-less Friday while the ‘child care services’ (aka me, and his words, not mine) tends to his daughter — he’s all for it. My ex assumed he could wash his hands of responsibility that morning because, well, let’s face it — my time, life, and my schedule are not important when it comes to his needs and wants.
Takeaway
I’ve never had to pass a kidney stone before, but I imagine the sensation is similar to sitting in my room resisting the burning urge to come to my daughter’s rescue (when every fiber of my being wanted to give in) earlier than 2 pm that day.
I went to the gym instead.
I had one of the best workouts to date. I also got a latte from my favorite coffee shop, wrote a little, and took a hot shower that soothed my sore muscles and aching heart.
I chose myself.
Finally.
It was bitter-sweet and glorious.
Closing Thoughts
I spent nineteen years sacrificing myself, my values, wants, and needs for a man that made the world work for him. No, not every interaction with my then-husband was as dreadful as it is now — but it grew diseased enough for me to divorce his a**. I can also recognize the role I played and the poisonous patterns I contributed to. That’s why I am striving for something healthier by spending my days figuring out who I was before the well got poisoned.
And, that, my friends, is what recovering from codependency is all about.
Ironically enough, after a rapid-fire of unrelenting ‘No thank yous’, I’d like to say — Thank you. Thank you to you, my readers, my friends for joining me on this journey. It’s been a long, bumpy road we’ve traveled on over the last few years, but we will make it back to our healthy, independent spirits, one ‘No thank you’ at a time.
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This post was previously published on Wholistique.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
