For as long as I have known myself I had a grand fantasy of how I would be loved. How I would be cherished and adored.
As you tricked the rains to make it to our date I erased myself from my mind in your presence.
When I looked at you, I saw beyond me, my ideas and dreams. In the hope of being kinder, you didn’t let me. You didn’t say what I wanted to hear and when you did.. It seemed like an extended kindness to end my suffering.
I hate that you didn’t let me show you how much I loved you and I hate that the way I loved you didn’t let you give yourself to me.
We were supposed to have felt everything together. I wanted to bare your pain and taste your laughter. I wanted to marvel at your mind as the candles flickered in your eyes.
But I think all that happened. It happened with cautious passion under a yellow light. It happened with a secluding loneliness over deep conversations. It happened as realisations I didn’t want, flooded me. There was love, there was sadness too. It happened every time. It engulfed me.
Your presence was an embrace. An embrace of a person you long to touch but haven’t. An embrace of a person you’ve been longing to kiss and your lips are just inches away. We began with the want and ended with a wait.
Now I’m here, for the feeling to wash away and disappear. So I can have my life again.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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