Here’s how to avoid the trap of instant attraction and find your perfect mate without breaking a sweat…
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When I asked my (now ex) wife to marry me in 1985 we both knew we weren’t perfect for each other. I suspect I chose her because she was very nurturing (something missing big-time in my life) and would be an incredible mom –which she was and still is. And, she chose me because I’d be a good provider and faithful husband (which I was). Yet the unspoken truth was we were very different and had significantly different goals and values on what it meant to live a full life and share that experience with a life mate. And that was one of the main reasons our marriage didn’t last beyond 26 years. In fact, like so many other marriages today, it was over long before we split, having decided to stay together until our youngest left home.
One of the first things I did after pulling the trigger on my divorce was take a course of action to become crystal clear on with whom I wanted to spend and share the rest of my life. This is something I wish I had done prior to getting married in the first place, so maybe this will help you to avoid the same mistake so many others seem to fall prey to.
Dream Woman Project
First let me make something very clear. I was not seeing anyone else at the time of my divorce and in fact did not feel ready to even start dating. However I was abundantly ready and eager to launch myself into what I called my “Dream Woman Project”. This ended up being a 13 page highly detailed document with text and images portraying every aspect of the woman with whom I wanted to share the rest of my life.
The impetus was that I now had the opportunity to get it right and take full responsibility for describing who this person is and putting that intention out to the universe to manifest at the appropriate time. Clearly this was very different from my previous more typical approach to see who attracts me the most from whomever I happen to meet and see what happens.
I remember jumping into the project with full alacrity and single-minded determination. I wrote furiously, joyfully and with abandon. I included images that best reflected the traits of this most wonderful woman to be. And after several days of intense focus I had polished my 13 page intention for the future love of my life.
There were seven categories of qualities that I addressed in this document:
- Avatar – In order to put a face on the whole package so to speak I chose Natalie Portman as my Dream Woman Avatar. Not that I’m necessarily attracted to her personally, it is more about the qualities of the women she played in her many movies. And yes, physically she also fit the petite look I happen to be most attracted to as well.
- Ideal Physical Qualities – I was very specific about my Dream Woman’s physical characteristics including eyes, breasts, waist, hips, butt, arms and legs. At first blush this part may seem a bit shallow. However, we all have specific preferences in terms of physical attraction and if you choose to ignore that, you do so at the peril of losing all attraction for your partner down the road. So, you might as well fully describe what really turns you on right up front.
- Sensuality – there are as many different kinds of sensuality as there are women and I knew what I liked and so indicated here.
- Personality – this was the biggest section for me and gave me a chance to describe someone who would jive with my personality in the most compatible and complementary way possible.
- Lifestyle Preferences – lifestyle is a big deal for me and I have a strong vision of how I want my life to look so it makes sense that my future mate share similar preferences.
- Values / Spirituality – it is important that my mate and I share similar values. While it wasn’t particularly important that we share the exact same ideas about spirituality, it is important that her beliefs were at least non-mutually exclusive to mine.
- Cognitive Style – my ex-wife and I had very different cognitive styles and that was a major source of discord in our relationship. So this time I wanted to make sure my future mate and I were intellectually compatible.
In retrospect there is another section I would have added to the end if I had thought about it. And that is why my Dream Woman would consider me as her Dream Man. Let’s face it, the last thing you want to do is find your Dream Mate and not have her / him reciprocate the same attraction you feel.
In case you are wondering what the finished product looked like, you can see a copy of mine here. Feel free to use this as a template to create your own Dream Woman / Man project.
One Year Later She Appears
As soon as I was done with this document I put it away knowing that I did my best to be clear about who I was looking for and let the Universe know my intention. I rarely looked at it again during that following year. In fact, I hardly dated during that time because no one even close to whom I wanted came into my awareness. That is until one evening on October 10th, 2012 where fate conspired to bring us together.
It is so interesting how manifested intentions work. I decided to attend an evening discussion about life transitions at a local Unity Church (very apropos given everything going on in my life at the time). This is a place I had never been to before. And when I arrived, I saw two women outside talking animatedly about something and went up to them to ask directions to the session. They both looked at me and then to each other as if they weren’t sure. I found out later that was the case because my future dream woman (one of the two) had *insisted* that a different discussion was happening that evening even though her friend said it was the wrong night (her friend was correct).
So they pointed me in the direction of where they thought the session might be. I thanked them and turned to enter while noticing how the petite raven-haired one caught my attention. About 10 minutes later they both came bopping in, apparently because they had nothing better to do since their session wasn’t happening that evening. My future mate chose to sit about 3 seats away from my left side, something I made note of. After the meeting I went up to both women and introduced myself. It was during that conversation that my future mate invited me to Starbucks that evening to chat about my upcoming trip to Brazil given that she was born there and maybe could help me make the most of my South American adventure. This was an invitation I readily accepted.
Friends First, Then Lovers
While it was clear that this woman and I were attracted to each other, neither one of us were swept off our feet. In fact, it took several weeks of hanging out together as friends and hiking buddies before any romantic inclinations started to emerge.
This is a point worth noting. Hollywood continues to promulgate the mythos of the intense, thrilling discovery of new love as the way it should be. From my perspective, if we had been swept off our feet chances are we as a couple would not have lasted. Instead, we built a strong foundation of trust and emotional intimacy before we even considered being physically intimate. And thanks to that, our emotional and physical intimacy has only grown stronger ever since.
A Perfect Match
It wasn’t until a year later that by chance I decided to look at my Dream Woman Project again, something I had all but forgotten about. And when I did my jaw dropped. I then showed it to my mate. We both realized then and there that she was a *perfect* match down to the finest detail (and there were a lot of fine details). The match was so in synch with what was described that it blew both of us away.
Here are a few key points to take away from all this and hopefully help you get the most out of your own Dream Woman / Man project:
- It’s an intention, not a checklist – my first goal in creating my Dream Woman Project was to be crystal clear about with whom I wanted to share my life and create the intention for eventually meeting her. I *never* used this document as a checklist from which to “filter” women that I happened to meet. I strongly recommend you never do that as well because you risk creating resentment in the women so judged (and believe me, they will feel it at some level).
- Trust and be patient – trust that the Universe will bring you together and have the patience to allow it to happen at the right time and place. I know deep down in my heart that if I had tried to actively find my Dream Woman (i.e. “make it happen”), we probably would have never met.
- Don’t go in blind – by creating a detailed intention via your own Dream Woman / Man project you protect yourself from being swept up in a flood of love hormones that can happen with instant attraction which may not last.
The key here is you have a choice. You can choose to just hope to meet someone you find very attractive and hope still that it will lead to a long term fulfilling relationship. Or, you can approach the most important relationship of your life by taking full responsibility of first declaring who you want that person to be for you and how you will be for them. Take a guess as to which one will likely serve you both the most.
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