How to Navigate an Avoidant Partner’s Return Without Losing Yourself

The golden moment has finally come.

Your partner, who has been in and out of the picture and noncommital, is back, and the relationship will be different this time.

You both promise to take a new approach to the relationship and work on things.

I hope you’re laughing by now because this path should sound pretty familiar to you if you’re on the other side of working with an avoidant.

I know what keeps your hope alive and continuously has you investing in the relationship.

The highs in a relationship with an avoidant give you hope that they will see the value you bring to each other’s lives.

The lows remind you to pick up and run away.

But you can’t.

I am not here to convince you that you’ve taken the wrong step and that getting caught in this loop is your fault.

I am here to tell you that it ends today, and you implement a new strategy to create the connected, bonded relationship you deserve.

Remember, I don’t write for people unwilling to do the work and complete the life-changing journey toward the security they want.

I am here to challenge your partner, but I am also testing your strength.

Challenge on the play

When we have someone continuously in and out of our lives, we take any bit of care and affection and turn it into a grand act.

Yes, by now, I hope you have put it together that your partner is breadcrumbing you.

For those who don’t know, breadcrumbing is giving intermittent attention and affection to keep someone interested without intending a serious relationship, giving false hope and tons of confusion.

Usually, this is a manipulative act, but it works differently for the avoidant.

Yes, there are cases when avoidants are intentionally manipulative, stringing you along with no intention of pursuing a deep connection with you.

The subconscious act that avoidants also display is when they are scared of what they tried to avoid — expressing emotions, being vulnerable, and giving up control over the pace of the dynamic.

What do they do?

They give you a flash in the pan but make you do all the work.

When your avoidant comes back into the picture, challenge their initial approach.

That text that felt so amazing to receive is not enough.

Let’s hang out this weekend. Not enough.

Having sex is not on the table.

No, I am not telling you to put up a wall for them to climb, but the mistake you make is letting them back into your life the second they reappear.

Don’t be aggressive in your challenging approach, but they need awareness that the door they closed is not open.

Extract that tooth

Do you know why we want to make sure you’re not the one doing all of the work?

I know you can think of a thousand reasons this is a bad idea, but the important one is that it allows them to escape the moment to share emotions and express the value you bring to their lives.

Yes, we have already gone past the step of challenging your partner. Now, we go another level deeper.

Every time you allow your partner back into your life and bypass the first step, they evade the conversation you’re looking for.

Do you want to know the big problem? You start the conversation, which is their responsibility.

When someone attempts to come back into your life, their responsibility is to prove why they want to return.

When I wrote the title “Extract that tooth,” this was your moment to extract what you are looking for from your partner and make them commit to the words they said.

Tunde, I want to give this another try. I promise this will be different.

The improper response: I want to try this too. I know if we work on our communication, this can work. I believe in this relationship.

The proper response is, “What will be different this time?”

Do you see how one response throws the ownership back in your direction while the other extracts information from your partner?

Do you see how one response puts you in a position of weakness and opens the door for your partner who didn’t do any work?

The other response lets your partner know they need substance behind their words and can’t simply throw you a bone.

Take it a step further.

Tunde, I hear you. I promise to get our communication together and build our bond from there.

The improper response is, “Thank you, that’s all I ever wanted.”

The proper response is, “What did you notice was off about our communication before? What should we do to change that?

Extract the information!

Hop scotch

You are the one who constantly commits to the relationship.

When your avoidant partner knows this, what will they do?

Use a second to stop reading the article and get out a pen and paper, type up a response on your computer, or take three minutes to think about it. Seriously, take the time to do it.

Your partner knows showing attention will make you hop back into the dynamic.

No.

How does the avoidant dynamic work?

When you push, they pull away. When you pull away, they finally come pushing because the thought of you leaving has hit them.

What is the best action when your partner finally comes back pushing?

Stay right where you are.

The avoidant push is momentary. Avoidants are willing to come back, and the second they feel you pushing back, a.k.a. pulling yourself back in the relationship, they retreat.

Kick off the happy slippers and show them the dynamic will take time to rebuild.

Don’t go right back to the routine of the relationship, or they will pull back again.

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.