Some introvert types struggle to express and explain their thoughts and emotions outwardly, particularly when it comes to their deepest feelings. This can become even more of a challenge when they are unexpectedly confronted by high-level emotional situations and relationship issues. Well, that’s me, anyhow.
They say that men usually cringe when their woman utters the words, “we need to talk”. I am no man, but when my husband says those words, my first reaction is to run for the hills. I hate that phrase.
In my marriage, the tables are turned in that department: it is he that sometimes complains of my lack of emotional availability and those pesky avoidance issues.
Give me a bucket of sand and my head will dive right in.
Yes, I can be a clammer-upperer. Thankfully, my husband has learned much patience when it comes to me. He knows that he needs to give me fair warning if he wants to address anything heavy because he is aware that openly expressing and receiving emotions is not always my strongest suit. This is just how I’m wired (INTP here), and while he sits at the other end of the communication spectrum, he respects that.
The thought of sitting down to discuss how we’re both “feeling” conjures all kinds of uncomfortableness. It’s not that I don’t want to express myself out loud, it’s more that I sometimes have trouble explaining my feelings — especially if it’s on the fly and unexpected. I need process time.
Give me a laptop and a blank screen, and there is my comfort zone. I’ll fill in the blanks while carefully sifting through and analyzing my feelings because that way, I have more control over the output and time enough to articulate my emotions without the … erm … emotional part getting in the way (who am I kidding? I’m a writer).
Writers, huh?
That being said, you might want to thank your lucky stars that not all introverted women are like me in the emotional-expression department. I am certain most introverted women may be more comfortable talking emotions. And while I can appreciate that sharing those delicate expressions is an important element in a relationship and worth fostering, I am much more comfortable showing someone how I feel about them.
Actually, showing is really where its at, isn’t it?
We can say as many words as we like but they mean nothing if we don’t back them up with our actions. Showing is in our nature; our physicality and the heart we bring. It is true that the way we treat others is a reflection of our inner-worlds. At the core of any healthy relationship is respect, consideration, compromise and compassion.
So, when my husband feels as if we need to talk about something, I will make the time to listen to him even if it makes me feel uncomfortable because I know its important to him. The fact that he will first give me the space to collect and process my thoughts, shows me that he cares enough to allow me that freedom to be who I am without pushing me into a situation that feels awkward to me.
My first husband had a completely different approach to my introverted nature and idiosyncrasies, often becoming frustrated with the way I expressed myself. Which only caused me to withdraw further into my shell and eventually shut him out altogether.
Unlike my current husband, he was unable to comprehend our differences; or rather, the way that I see and interact with the world. So, he took to belittling me and making me feel ashamed that my communication could sometimes become awkward. He would mock me because I found large social gatherings challenging and draining.
Obviously, this was a man who didn’t understand the beauty created through our diverse personalities. Or that our unique perspectives and differences allows opportunity for growth. Dissonance and challenge are wonderful tools for expansion.
The other thing was that he never actually saw me; basically, holding his own idea of who he thought I ought to be — an idealized version of someone who wasn’t me.
Introverted or not, a man has to know his woman if he is to make a strong connection with her. If he knows who she is then he will understand how to show her that he cares. Here’s how to show your gorgeous introverted woman that you care a bucket-load:
She Needs Quiet-Time
This is a must-have. It’s no secret that introverts need ample time alone. Most of us need the space to get our “hermit” on and your introverted woman needs time alone to recharge her batteries. After which, she will be ready to join back in and get her social on again, with you.
Just because she cherishes her alone-time, that doesn’t mean she loves you any less. In fact, she will love you all the more for respecting her much-needed respite from the world.
Authenticity is a Must
It is so rare to encounter someone who isn’t afraid to tell you how they feel. Although some introverted women may have difficulties in the way she expresses her own feelings, truthfulness and honesty are very important to her and she needs to know that you care about her. Don’t be afraid to open up.
She has enough going on in her head without trying to figure out where she stands with the man in her life.
And ditch the games. No sound adult appreciates them. Just saying.
Patience Will Get You Everywhere
Patience makes all the difference in building vital relationship components like trust, acceptance and communication.
She needs someone who has the capacity and desire to be patient in learning who she is and how she expresses herself. If she’s anything like me, she could be affectionate and wild one second, then completely disappear for the next several thousands.
This behavior might seem erratic at times, throw you off guard and completely baffle your mind. Think of it as an intriguing part of her introversion and put in some patience — remember that much of her life is spent absorbed within the confines of her inner-world, so don’t be afraid to reach out to her and let her know you’re still around. She’ll appreciate that more than you probably realize…
Intimacy & Connection
Introverts are born to connect more deeply than others.
Despite my own struggles with feelings, doesn’t make them any less present. In fact, introverts are deep thinkers, therefore we feel deeply and care deeply, its just that sometimes we may become overwhelmed with the intensity of our feelings — which impacts how we express them.
It’s very rare that an introverted woman will trust someone enough to let them in. So, once she feels close to her lover, she will appreciate the moments in which she experiences a rush of emotion and boundless connection to him.
Deep down she is a highly-sensitive human being who longs to connect with a kindred spirit; and she recognizes the value of stepping out of her comfort zone in order to experience true love and connection.
Be there for her and you will reap the rewards of introvert-style bonding.
Quality time
This kind of circles back to the beginning. Time. It is what you both need to fuse your energy, nurture your connection and become real lovers. The part where get to be your unique blend of each other.
Above all else, this is what she wants and needs — to know all of you and in every way possible.
When an introverted woman is in love with you, it is you that fills her thoughts and dances across her mind’s eye. You who is her muse, her dreams, future and fears; and the fascinatingly endless puzzle she loves to explore.
But doesn’t everyone who ever truly loved?
Honestly, these points aren’t really just about what an introverted woman needs to feel valued and cared for. They are elements we all need to thrive as individual human beings and offer the best of ourselves to the world and the special people in our lives.
Then, we give each other the most important and precious gift of all — our time.
Beautiful, wonderful time.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Deposit Photos