Disclaimer: I keep referring to ‘boyfriend’ as opposed to a partner is general, is because of 2 reasons: —
- I am a girl and the word ‘boyfriend’ meant more scandalous in my household than relationship in general.
- I don’t have much idea about the household dating environment for boys.
If there is one thing I learned about dating in India, it is that — everyone does it, no one simply tells.
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Imagine being in a household where you can’t even mention the word ‘boyfriend’.
No, I mean I can gossip about a close friend of mine who is dating and has a boyfriend, but I can’t say out load that “I have a boyfriend”.
Indian parents are generally okay with others engaging in a romantic relationship, having sex and dating in general, but it will be disastrous for them if their own child does any of it.
“Boyfriend?” How dare I utter the word?
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Dating is very uncommon in India (or is it really?)
Romance without marriage is not our culture. Are we capable enough to find a partner for ourselves?
No. Let our parents do the talking.
Do we have the social consent to choose our partner/s?
No. We are directly promoted to being life-partners without being partners first.
Our parents did not date, they never had a girlfriend/boyfriend, they got married to the partner of their parents’ choice and they perfectly happy, fine and functional. Why do you (kids) need the freedom to date and explore?
It is not uncommon for parents to cite their own examples when convincing their children to stay away from ‘love affairs’.
Most Indian parents claim to be open-minded, but deep within they secretly hope that their children do not mess up. It is a big concern for parents to raise their children right, especially girls. Sad but true. Unfortunately, Indian parents wish to remain out of social controversy and gossips about their children “having an affair”. They consider it their responsibility to keep their sons and daughters (especially) in line — focused, disciplined, honest and obedient.
Most people from our parents’ generation did not date (some secretly dated even then, but most didn’t) and so it is very hard for them to accept ‘dating’ as normal.
But little do they know that children these days date (secretly).
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Do you think today’s youth will refrain from dating because their parents do not encourage it?
No. They have seen enough of it (in movies, on Netflix) and they are convinced there is nothing wrong in doing it, it’s fun, classy and very modern.
So they do it. They lie about it to their parents. Parents don’t have to know everything. In no time, these high school or college goers become pro liars and in most cases, the truth never surfaces.
For instance, if a girl wants to go for a movie date with her boyfriend, she will simply tell her mother that she is going out with her girl friend/s. If she plans for a dinner date with her boyfriend, she will tell her mother that she is going to study at her friend’s house and will return the next day morning. Sometimes, parents think that their daughter has gone to the gym or to extra tuition classes, but she can be found kissing her boyfriend under a tree in a park instead.
Not only do they date, they also break-up, cry over it and move on and parents do not the slightest idea about it.
Sure, you can try to be the ‘changemaker’ and reverse convince your parents into believing that there is nothing wrong in dating, it is normal and healthy, but what are the odds that they will be convinced? What if they start being more vigilant of your movements in future?
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Photo by Joshua Chun on Unsplash
It is more social than it is personal for parents. It is not that Indian parents do not want their children to be happy. They only want a spotless character for their children, devoid of a past, a gossip or a controversy.
However, times are changing.
Parents need to understand that no matter how much they try to emotionally manipulate their sons and daughters to stay away from relationship, they have no control over love and lust.
They need to understand that by expecting their children to not engage in a romantic relationship, they are depriving them of essential experiences which may help them make informed decisions in future.
They need to understand that individual happiness is more important and precious than societal pressure to remain clean.
Parents need to have a healthy conversation about choosing a partner, sex and dating with their children so as to guide them to make well thought decisions.
Dating is not going away but will only become more common in near future.
As parents, would you prefer your son/daughter lying to you as opposed to openly talking about her feelings and relationship with you? Don’t you wish to be that parent with whom the child feels safe and comfortable to talk about anything?
Raising your children right does not mean you overload them with your expectations to control their sexual feelings and refrain from relationships.
Raising your children right does not mean you make them feel guilty for liking/loving someone.
Teach your children what it means to love unconditionally. Tell them how, when and whom to trust someone. Talk to your kids about managing emotions and the importance of moving on. Tell them the difference between love and attraction. Let them fall, make mistakes and learn about certain things the hard way. Be that guardian angel who always supports them, without judgements, no matter what.
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I am saying this because I don’t think my parents will ever read this piece. I dated in college, for two long years. My parents don’t know about it and I don’t see myself telling them about it anytime soon. It is in the past and as long as it has saved my parents from any kind of mental unrest or anxiety, I am glad I did not tell them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash