I was sitting on the floor of my apartment, asking my friend for relationship advice. There was a guy I liked and it didn’t feel like he was putting in the effort. He was very kind every time I saw him in person, but he wasn’t great with texting or contact outside of that. I was expecting the most from him — wanting big declarations of his feelings, or eager plans for the next date.
My friend had one simple piece of advice.
“If he wanted to, he would,” she said, and shrugged.
And at first, I believed her.
I convinced myself that this guy was not even close to being serious about me, because if he was, he’d be putting in the effort. He would not leave me to initiate contact much of the time, and he’d probably be planning our next outing to a nice restaurant. He would be confessing his feelings and sending flowers to my doorstep.
OK, not really. But you get the point: I expected more from him. And since I wasn’t getting it, I just took my friend’s advice and assumed he was totally not into me and didn’t want to invest his time or energy in us.
So I kind of threw the whole relationship away.
A few months later, I ran into the guy. We stopped to talk. He confessed that he was freaked out because he didn’t know how I felt, and he didn’t think I was all that interested either, since I wasn’t really being particularly forthcoming (which I wasn’t; I was playing it cool, just like I thought he was). He said he was a little anxious because it had been a long time since he was in the dating scene. And honestly, I believed him.
That’s when I realized my friend’s advice was total BS.
It’s not her fault; I’ve heard the phrase “if he wanted to, he would” practically daily. It’s all over social media and infiltrates modern conversations. It’s many women’s favorite mantra for when guys just aren’t doing much and they need that push to walk away.
And while “if he wanted to, he would” can be true — and has been before — it’s not always true. There’s a lot of reasons that guys (and partners in general) just don’t do stuff, even though they want to. To suggest otherwise is a myth.
Here’s why.
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Look at it this way: they might be just as nervous as you are
I’ve tried to reframe my mindset a little bit. How many times had I tried “playing it cool” even when I was giddy inside about my new love interest? How many times had I refrained from texting a guy because I thought I was being overbearing, when really all I wanted to do was strike up another long conversation with him? How many times had I wanted to make the first move, but waited because I was afraid he didn’t feel the same?
Breaking news: men are human, too. They’re not immune to feeling nervous or intimidated by making the first move. It’s not outside of the realm of possibility for them to consider whether it’s worth initiating something, too. Men get anxious. They get cold feet. They second-guess themselves. We all do — gender aside.
“If he wanted to, he would” comes from the expectation that men should always make the first move
While we’re on the topic of “gender aside” things and stereotypical roles, can we talk about how this simple phrase — “if he wanted to, he would” — is really just perpetuating gender roles? And setting the expectation that men should always make the first move?
I’ve seldom (if ever) heard anyone say something like, “If she wanted to, she would” or “If they wanted to, they would.” There’s a reason that this phrase is used almost exclusively surrounding relationships with men — and that’s due to the assumption that they should be the ones initiating all the big stuff.
One small thing, though: that’s outdated. It’s not considerate of men, who have the potential to be anxious and apprehensive making the first move just as much as the rest of us. Additionally, if we got rid of this damaging narrative, maybe we could make room for those confident, assertive people of other genders to step in and feel comfortable — rather than unconventional — for making the first move in their relationships.
It’s also dismissive and erases the opportunity to communicate
Saying “if he wanted to, he would” is a little flippant and dismissive. It gives the impression that this is a done deal, and that if the guy in question is not acting as desired, then you’re basically out of luck and should just move on and accept that he doesn’t have the guts to do better.
Firstly, having “guts” is a lot to expect of someone, and we shouldn’t put that responsibility solely on men, as I mentioned before. And secondly, the dismissiveness behind this phrase erases any opportunity to actually communicate. If someone is not acting in the way you desire, you’re not just out of luck and needing to move on. There’s another option: talking to them about it.
Talking is hard, yes, and conversations like these can be difficult, especially early on into a relationship. But sometimes they’re necessary. If you’re really invested in the person and you don’t want to say goodbye to the possibility of a future with them over something trivial, it’s probably a good idea to just talk to them. Let them know what you want. Let them know if you feel in the dark or not prioritized. Share your concerns with them, in a practical, mature way. And then, based on how they respond, that’s when you’ll know whether it’s worth sticking it out or whether you should just walk away.
Here’s a hint: a reasonable person who cares about you will not turn you away. They may be shy or unforthcoming at first, but they will want to at least talk about it, if you’ve expressed a desire to. If they seem unbothered, offended, or confused about why you’re reaching out to them, they might not be the one. But if it seems like they’re making an effort to get to the bottom of things, that’s a good sign.
It’s the twenty-first century, and communication is the foundation for a strong relationship. Don’t lose faith that you two might be able to work things out. They’re human, too.
And they just might surprise you.
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Takeaways
Let me make one thing clear: you deserve to have all of your needs met. You deserve to have the relationship that makes you feel most comfortable, alive, loved, and happy. If your partner isn’t giving you that, and you have a gut feeling that it’s time to let go, then do so — by all means.
And, admittedly, there are indeed men out there who can be manipulative and invest very little into a relationship while expecting so much from the other person. I’m not denying that these fractured relationship dynamics exist. And that’s what you should reserve “if he wanted to, he would” for.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with “if he wanted to, he would.” After all, women are getting better at asking for what they need and demanding what they deserve in relationships. I applaud that, and frankly I’m trying to get better at doing so myself. If you’ve used this phrase before, please know, I am not trying to shame you. (God knows I have, too.)
What I am doing, on the other hand, is reminding people that not everything is black and white; that although we do indeed deserve exactly the kind of love and treatment that we want, it’s not always as simple as it appears. Everyone is human. Everyone gets nervous. Not everyone is comfortable making moves on someone else or initiating everything, even if society expects them to. It’s healthy to communicate, to give people the benefit of the doubt (when deserved), to give people space to improve, to gain clarity when things are confusing or dry.
Bottom line: “if he wanted to, he would” can really be a myth. Societal expectations, gender roles, and dismissiveness are among the reasons why it’s still preached as gospel. But if we can dismantle these thought patterns and truly give people a chance to communicate — while simultaneously communicating exactly what we want and discussing our concerns — it just might make for stronger relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Spencer Davis on Unsplash
Oh yikes… It sounds like he was just trying to let you down easy because he wasn’t interested in you at all. Anyone in the world would assume that someone who doesn’t speak to you unless you speak to them first isn’t interested. Even if he was, he was still making you put in all the effort for him.
The commenter (ST) also made a good point. The reason I believe if he wanted, he would is. There is another spectrum where if the girl is showing interest and accepting his gesture, and making an effort herself, then what is stopping the man? People forget women also tried to put equal amounts, and we must be careful.