Let’s create a movement by and for men and be as great as we can be, says Zek J. Evets. Let’s do something good.
Like Tom Matlack I, too, don’t know what it means to be a good man. I’ve tried to find the answer in everything from college textbooks to Blues music to sex with strangers to hopeless romanticism. I eventually took to cyberspace, the final frontier, in order to find answers. It was there I too became embroiled in the zero-sum game of the gender Oppression Olympics. I debated Feminists and MRAs about rape and video games like I was back upon a podium, or in my old college classroom. We never talked about real people; nobody seemed to care. It was always about who was right. Schwyzer, Marcotte, Valenti, Futrelle, Matlack, Elam, Farrell. Names tied to ideologies beloved or despised by thousands.
Even now, I still get in trouble because I don’t care about those concepts of privilege and Patriarchy. I’ve been filled with so much gender 101 that I’d rather pass or tune out than give a damn. I label myself, call myself a Masculist, but it doesn’t really mean anything to the guy sitting next to me at the bus-stop or coffee shop. It doesn’t mean anything to my girlfriend at home. It’s just a word. So much of these arguments are over words, over abstract concepts floating in cyberspace and labels applied haphazardly like a collection of fruit stickers.
Tom says the reasons behind being a Good Man are not a Feminist issue. And he’s absolutely right. This isn’t about women. It never was. This is about men. Straight men, gay man, queer men, White men, Black men, short men, tall men, Muslims, Jews, Hipsters, Jocks. All kinds of men.
That’s why I can understand the disappointment he expresses in his article over how so much of the conversation has been about Feminism, about women, about everything BUT men. We’re being talked to, talked at. We’re not being talked with. Worse yet, we’re not talking with each other. There’s no conversation happening. No more stories are being told. Nobody’s even pretending to listen anymore. Honestly, it’s just pure histrionics.
Maybe that’s the bitterness talking − the bitterness of having been slapped down for voicing thoughts and opinions outside a highly regulated gender dynamic. One where victimization is strictly for women and demonization is strictly for men. It’s hard, as a man, to give voice outside of macho stereotypes about issues like prison rape, like education, like fatherhood in safe spaces without being labeled suspicious. A men’s group is perceived as inherently supremacist, as if we cannot possibly come together as men for a positive purpose. I’ve often felt attacked, not because of anything I’ve done but because of my superficial resemblance to men who quite frankly don’t speak for me or the thousands of others I know struggling to answer the question which Tom has asked.
What makes a good man? There are thousands of reasons to say what makes a bad man, but can any of us think of one good reason that makes a good man which isn’t immediately hijacked, dismissed, or outright ignored?
More than that, however, is the thought that one day when I have a son, how will I teach him to be a good man? What about masculinity can I give to him which isn’t already tainted by toxic pop-culture stereotypes, Feminist suspicion, or misandric fears. What can I teach him that isn’t already corrupted by embittered misogyny emanated from old men who’ve played this game before, and lost. How can I raise a son when the world’s already made up its many minds on what he is?
I was asked what I really think about Tom’s piece. I feel powerfully about it. I feel emotional. This isn’t a PC response or a calculated attempt to pander to any side, even that of neutrality. This is how I really feel: unless we as men come together to save ourselves, we will continue to slip through the cracks. Nobody will care about us so much as each other. Nobody is better equipped to combat the problems facing us than each other. Nobody knows what our lives are like more than each other.
And here is my challenge. Let’s create a movement by and for men to do this. Let’s be as great as I know we can be. Let’s do something good and, maybe, in the process discover if doing good can help us to know what it means to be good.
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photo by dno1967b / flickr
Am a female, and I feel you. Honestly. I know how it feels to always have oneself under the mistake scanner, always have your motives doubted. It just keeps a part of your brain engaged in calculating how many misconceptions one can make about you, which tires you and constrains you. Patriarchy is a social system that gives males a number of privileges over females. But our social system cannot be characterized by patriarchy alone, male privilege does not exist in every situation. In the gender relations men face their own special sorts of problems and these problems need to… Read more »
Good article Zek
I find it interesting how few people(male or female) are actually discussing the points of it. Though Im not too surprised. 🙁
Cheers
John
Well done, Zak. Well done. I wanted to write something like this, but you put it much more eloquently and far nicer than I believe I could have. I was born in 1986. By the time I hit public school, the feminist line of thinking was in full swing. I grew up being bombarded from every angle (with the exception, as it turns out, of my mother) with subtle messages telling me to be ashamed, to put women before me always, that I was privileged and had to pay the price for it. That my gender carried a mark of… Read more »
DLZ, Thanks. I too was born in 1986, the summer of specifically. I grew up in a time when boys were being prescribed medication for ADD/ADHD as if it were candy. Not because we had any sort of behavioral problem that required medication but because our parents were ill-equipped to raise us and society didn’t understand the developmental needs of boys. I couldn’t be energized because I was being “too hyper”. When I asked questions I was being “disruptive”. When I was bullied and fought back I was being a “troublemaker”. I learned to depend on myself from a very… Read more »
Despite your response to me Zek, indeed because of this article and now your response to Kaleb (were you allowing him his opinion or trying to win the argument, something you mention as being problematic in the article?) the overarching feeling I get is that you and Tom would like to create a female free, disagreement free zone. Unfortunately this is the internet and you can’t keep women or men who disagree with you out. Referring to the title of the website as if that should be a gate keeper to keeping the ‘undesirables’ out is not going to do… Read more »
Specialk, the overarching feeling I get is that you and Tom would like to create a female free, disagreement free zone. Well, I can’t speak for Tom but I do know that I don’t want a female free echo chamber. I want to include women in the conversation but not privilege their voice over those of my brothers. It’s difficult to express how frustrating it can be trying to explain this concept online, but honestly that’s the truth. I don’t want exclude any “undesireables” (as you call them) but rather ensure that in a male space that men get to… Read more »
Look I agree we are more or less on the same page and I absolutely agree it is frustrating to try and get a point of view, with all it’s ifs and buts and nuances out using only words on a computer. For what it’s worth I will say that I totally understand your feeling that many women derail any conversation men can have about whatever it is they want to talk about by making it about them, saying women have it worse etc. I will also say however that having come to this site for more than 6 months… Read more »
Kaleb, I have a problem with a movement by and for men that seeks to dismantle patriarchy and the ways in which patriarchy affects us: we already have a movement for that, Feminism. I think I’ve found the fatal flaw in your comment. See, Feminism isn’t by OR for men. In fact, Feminism only marginally concerned with men, at best — at worst, they outright ignore men. Notably, this wouldn’t divide men at all, because it’d be about all kinds of men, including trans-men or men who identify with women. Why? Because it’d be about men! Haha, sorry but I… Read more »
I have a problem with a movement by and for men that seeks to dismantle patriarchy and the ways in which patriarchy affects us: we already have a movement for that, Feminism. While I 100% agree with all men (gay, straight, tall, short, queer, etc.), where would that leave FTM trans men. Or men who identify more heavily with women? I feel that dividing a movement that seeks to dismantle gender oppression into two genders is counter productive. Being a good man IS about women and it always has been. Their oppression that continues today is STILL because men have… Read more »
I have a problem with a movement by and for men that seeks to dismantle patriarchy and the ways in which patriarchy affects us: we already have a movement for that, Feminism. And if efforts by men to work with feminism for this common goal have failed and they now seek to strike out on their own? Because that’s what’s happen to a lot of guys that were basically told they were not welcome. I feel that dividing a movement that seeks to dismantle gender oppression into two genders is counter productive. But when the different sides that have a… Read more »
Feminism provides one lens we can use to examine and understand gender issues. It can provide useful insights and it can inform the debate. But it is only one lens – there are many other ways we can examine these issues, and each has it’s own lessons to teach us. I’ve often found useful insight in what feminists have to say, but it sometimes feels like they are here to deliver a lecture rather than participate in a dialogue. They seem to want their perspective and their theories to be the only ones and that’s where I have a problem.… Read more »
Nobody knows what our lives are like more than each other.
Damn straight.
Your writing is inspirational (succinct, coherent, a voice worth listening to ) and I wish you well. Although I am a woman and for all intents and purposes the ‘enemy’ of your piece, with three young boys I have a vested interest in seeing you win this fight. For what it’s worth however, many men have helped women advance their cause over the years. You talk of a movement of men, for men. I wouldn’t rule out having women, the right women, on your side. They are not all the enemy and many come to this site hoping to hear… Read more »
Thanks specialk, And I don’t think of you as the “enemy” haha. I love women and am in a long-term serious relationship with a radical Black Womanist/Feminist. My perspective is challenged in so many ways on a daily basis it’s enough to make my head spin! But I welcome women’s contributions to this conversation with the understanding that it’s about helping men. Because we do have some great allies; women like Lisa Hickey, Julie Gillis, and Joanna Schroeder. I value their ideas as much as I value those of my brothers. They care when many do not, which is a… Read more »
I wouldn’t rule out having women, the right women, on your side. They are not all the enemy and many come to this site hoping to hear real, enlightening and/or enlightened conversations about men, by men. Certainly they are not. I think the reason this sentiment comes up is a combination of coming across ones that are the enemy and/or taking those to heart. There are a good number of women that have don’t just what you say here. But it’s going to be hard for some of the guys around here to see that they are indeed not the… Read more »
“This isn’t about women. It never was. This is about men. Straight men, gay man, queer men, White men, Black men, short men, tall men, Muslims, Jews, Hipsters, Jocks. All kinds of men.”
Amen brother. Thank you.