Question: Allana, I just put out my boyfriend of three years. Did I make the right decision? At point is it safe to assume a relationship isn’t going anywhere?
Answer: Oh my sweet, such an intense question! I could provide a three day workshop to answer you! Yet I’m going to do my best here 🙂
First the obvious- if there’s physical abuse, or incessant stonewalling, degrading comments, contempt, holding grudges, consistent blaming and an unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s actions… then there’s absolutely nothing to work with, and it’s time to let go.
The beauty of relationships as we tend to be attracted to the very lesson we need to learn next. During the honeymoon stage we think the other is perfect… and then the underlying soul lesson begins to reveal itself. Initially we become annoyed, frustrated, complain and blame. Some couples stay like that for 50 years and die never having grown or learned from the beautiful gift each other was there to provide.
More mature couples are quickly able to own their baggage, take responsibility, each go to their own coach or therapist, engage in couples counseling, create healthy regular communications to make up for the damage done and build stronger bonds of intimacy through vulnerability overtime.
If one or either partner is unwilling to forgive, unwilling to develop compassion and empathy, unwilling to heal their heart and risk loving again, then the relationship will die.
Issues need to be brought to the table without contempt or blame, as a safe invitation to explore two different points of view or two different ways of valuing life, to see if a compromise, mutual understanding or agreement to disagree… can be created.
Sometimes when I work with couples, the habitual way they speak to each other is so cruel and the level of justification and defensiveness is so palpable that I just tell them they are a lost cause and to break up now! I tell them their righteousness is clearly more important than their intimacy so, have at it!
Shocked… they still there quietly in disbelief. That’s not the coaching they thought they would get! It often shakes them up. I reiterate that nobody deserves to be abused or live in a war zone. Move on.
Then… more times than not… each of them begins to soften and start to remember why they appreciate each other. They remember why they’re grateful for what the other provides. Slowly I watch as their hearts open as wee bit… and I grab that window of opportunity to teach them how to express their vulnerable honest raw truth… now that they have briefly put down their swords and weapons of angry destruction.
I often witness miracles right before my very eyes… they just needed help to find one another again. They just needed the space of non judgment and being unattached that I provide to create an opening they couldn’t find on their own.
My love, I can’t tell you if you made the right decision or not… without knowing anything about your relationship it’s so hard to tell you if you should assume it’s going nowhere.
Hopefully some of the points of you I’ve presented will give you a better sense of what’s true for you in your deepest heart. If you are still uncertain, second-guessing and double checking your decision to put him out… I recommend you reach out and both of you go through a series of six sessions with me, my introductory package. You can apply for a complementary strategy session at www.AllanaPratt.com/connect.
If you truly ask him with a surrendered soft open authentic heart, expressing that this relationship means so much to you that you’d like to grow together, heal the past so the future is one that works for both of you… and if you truly don’t make him wrong, blame him or be superior or judgmental… if it’s TRULY an unbiased unconditionally loving nonjudgmental invitation and he still says no… perhaps that’s a sign that isn’t going anywhere, yes?
I look forward to seeing you in my inbox 🙂
So grateful you reached out. So impressed that you’re willing to do the foundational work to create and have the thriving intimate relationship you deserve.
Deliciously yours, Allana xoxo