Love Isn’t What Keeps a Marriage Alive After Year 5

My wife and I hit our first real wall early. Somewhere between the years 3 and 5 was the period when the novelty wore off, routines were set, some financial pressure (and kids, I imagine, for others) all came into the picture.

It was when we saw the full, unfiltered versions of each other.

We don’t normally hear all the above much. What we do hear is a lot of talk about love like it is some kind of unstoppable power source. Like, once you have enough of it, everything else unfailingly sorts itself out. Now, it sounds good and comforting, but I know for a fact it just doesn’t hold up.

What actually happens is, at some point, year five, year three, maybe even sooner, you wake up next to the same person and realize something awkward: You don’t feel exactly the same way you used to. Not every day, anyway.

Thank heavens nothing is actually wrong, but this is the part that messes with a lot of couples.

The impact of life we were not prepared for

Early on in the relationship, we built a momentum that everything ran on. If you were like us, you would want to be around each other and talk all the time. You also overlook a lot of “little” things and forgive quickly because, well, you are still a little obsessed.

However, life (work, bills, family, repetition, stress, etc.) fully comes into the picture, and the intensity drops. Suddenly, you realize you keep having the same conversations and the same disagreements. Now, you are left with something less exciting, but I will tell you one thing: that is a lot more honest. What you need to build is a relationship that can function even without emotional fuel.

Unfortunately, most partners panic because they assume something is definitely broken. After all, it doesn’t feel like it used to. Their response? They start chasing “the feeling”.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow- this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

The big problem with chasing feelings

Feelings are unreliable, and that is as clear as I can state it. They are malleable to a lot of factors (sleep, stress, timing, attraction, attention, etc.) These fluctuate daily, and if your relationship depends on how you feel in any given moment, it could end up feeling unstable even when it is not.

In reality, you can love someone and still feel irritated by them, and even if you are truly committed to them, you can still feel a little disconnected on any random day.

“When you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.” — Leo Tolstoy

Those two things can exist at the same time, but many treat the dip in feeling as a signal that the spark is gone permanently, and they have grown apart. In that frame of mind, instead of adjusting, they start questioning the entire relationship.

This is how even good marriages start to slip.

“If your relationship depends on how you feel in any given moment, it could end up feeling unstable even when it is not.”

What actually carries a marriage

One thing is sure: couples who last don’t rely on love as some constant feeling. They rely on deliberate, consistent choices that may not even look all that impressive from the outside, but the system works. They decide to answer the call and never check out simply because the mood isn’t right.

On some days, it is easy, and it doesn’t seem like a big deal. On other days, however, it is not easy, but that is when it is everything! It is everything, because those are the days when distance starts forming.

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For these lucky couples, even the “unsexy” parts work, like choosing their partner even when they are annoyed with them, and being present when they would rather withdraw. That is how it works, especially in times when you are just trying to maintain the connection so it doesn’t break under life’s pressures.

All this is normal. What is dangerous is expecting it to feel like the beginning all the time.

There will be days you don’t feel in love, but those days don’t mean your relationship is failing. They mean it has moved past the stage where feelings do all the work, to the stage where your relationship also needs intention to survive.

“In reality, you can love someone and still feel irritated by them, and even if you are truly committed to them, you can still feel a little disconnected on any random day.”

What most don’t get

Toput it plainly: in trying times, they wait for the “feeling” to return before they act. They decide to only put in more effort and open up when they feel close again or more appreciated again.

They think this is only reasonable, but in reality, it just reverses a critical order. The result here is they get stuck in a loop waiting for something that would return if only they moved first.

Lasting couples, on the other hand, know that in most cases, the action comes first. And figuring this out early has saved them years of confusion.

If you are paying attention, you will also notice this

The couples who make it don’t look magical up close, but they always keep each other close. They do it in ways that are easy to miss if you are not looking closely. Look closely enough, and you will see, for instance, that they still argue, but they never try to hurt each other, and they don’t wait for things to feel perfect before they act right.

Over time, all of that adds up.

Of course, love matters. It is just not enough on its own for the complete long haul. So, if you build a relationship that depends entirely on how you feel, you will spend years trying to get back to something that was never meant to last exactly as it was.

Instead, build one that can function even when the feelings dip. Give it something stronger than just emotion, give your marriage stability, give it something that will carry it through the years after the excitement subsides, and you need to relate on deeper levels.

That is the phase where most marriages are decided. The phase where it either holds or it doesn’t.

“There will be days you don’t feel in love, but those days don’t mean your relationship is failing. They mean it has moved past the stage where feelings do all the work, to the stage where it also needs intention to survive.”

Takeaways:

Feelings are an unreliable fuel source for a long-term relationship. Love as a feeling fluctuates with many factors, and if your marriage is built to run only on it, it will feel broken even when it is not.
When the novelty fades, and you get to see each other without the filters, many couples panic, but the ones who last don’t mistake the dip for something fatal.
Marriage is a decision, not a constant emotion; therefore, long-lasting couples make small, consistent choices to stay present to answer the call even when annoyed, etc.
Action should come first, feeling follows, so if you wait to feel close before you act, you can get stuck. Lasting couples know to move first.
Real marriages survive because after the excitement subsides, they are held by stability and being there for each other, even when it doesn’t feel perfect.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.