Jennifer’s husband Russ hired a team of young landscapers to maintain their perfect lawn for the summer months. They were young, recent high school graduates making money for the summer. Their fee was $25.00 / hour which would be divided between the three of them. The yard was looking great, and they worked hard under the sweltering heat.
Russ would never speak in a normal tone when issuing instructions to the young men. He used a loud, grandiose tone that was both patronizing and demeaning. Then while inside the house with the windows open he would speak loudly to his wife, insulting the workers, and laughing about how little he’s paying them.
When it came down to paying them, he would knock down the price, claiming they quoted him much less. Jennifer would come out, laugh embarrassedly and pay them their wage plus a generous tip.
Jennifer has decided that she’s had enough. She’s been with her husband Russ for several years but can’t stand being around him for one more day. She thought he was the love of her life at the beginning. I mean she married him right? That love, however, has turned to frustration and even fear.
Jennifer married a man with narcissistic personality disorder, (NPD)
The definition of a personality disorder according to The American Psychiatric Association:
“A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time.”
People tend to believe narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is more of a behavioural choice rather than a mental health disorder. Which isn’t the case.
A lot of us, myself included, will use the term narcissist loosely to describe someone who is full of themselves, or egocentric. However, a narcissistic personality disorder is an actual DSM term (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)
According to The National Library of Medicine; “Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.”
The HelpGuide.Org (an international non-profit for mental health) discusses how a person with (NPD) isn’t actually in love with themselves as much as others may think. Rather, they’re obsessed with their delusional self-image of grandiosity to avoid low self-esteem.
The signs you’re with a narcissist
- Overly inflated sense of self-importance, and the belief they are ‘too good for pretty much anything.
- Hyper-Sensitive, their ego is extremely delicate and when that’s damaged they can become vicious.
- Talks over others constantly, belittle and insults you or your family and friends.
- Entitled, and constant need for praise, but not in a ‘needy’ way but more of an arrogant (Look at everything I do for you…) type thing.
- Exploits others for their own gain without remorse, and lacks empathy when doing so. In fact, they lack empathy for anyone other than themselves. Russ’s dealing with the landscapers is a perfect example.
- Obsessed with wealth and success and believes he should only associate with people who have the wealth he idealized.
- Manipulative and controlling
If you’re dating a narcissist then you know the struggle, however, at the same time, it’s difficult to watch them self-destruct. They are incapable of forming close relationships, they lose friends, and you can almost sense a sadness from deep, deep… within them.
Those who are in a relationship with someone who has (NPD) will begin to predict reactions before they happen. They know how to avoid triggering their partner.
This would be a difficult relationship to maintain.
Another thing that has been seriously bothering Jennifer is his constant exaggeration of things he does, such as favours for others. He will grunt almost as he boasts about how lucky (someone or other) was that he lent him money, or that he let them borrow his car. He’ll sit back in his favourite chair and go on and on about how lucky his friend is that he could help him.
In reality, he’s simply waiting for Jennifer to praise him. It won’t stop until she does. She literally feels nauseous when he does this.
The one thing I’ve noticed is that someone with (NPD) has difficulty understanding the feelings, thoughts or beliefs of others. It’s as if they lack the capability. If you mention the consequences of exploiting someone, for instance, they will look at you almost confused. At least that’s been my personal experience.
What makes you fall in love with a person with (NPD)?
When you first meet this person, they will have a gregarious and large personality.
They can be charming and sweep you off your feet.
But the one thing to watch for is that they have great difficulty loving someone, as they don’t love themselves, and therefore see a potential partner as someone that serves a purpose. This could be such as impressing a colleague or boss, financial gain, or sex just to name a few.
So pretty much for a relationship with a partner who has narcissistic personality disorder to work, this person needs to change. Personally, I believe only professional therapy would work.
They would need to:
- Work on their self-esteem, and recognize their lack of it.
- Recognize and practise empathy for others.
- Understand, and invest in others.
Unfortunately, it’s very difficult for someone with (NPD) to recognize they have this disorder, and therefore difficult to get them to change!
…
If you liked reading my work then feel free to hit subscribe to receive every article I write in your inbox!
And… if you want unlimited access to all stories on Medium without that pesky 3 story limit, then sign up for a subscription at $5.00 / month under my link. Right here! With this membership, you will not only support my caffeine addiction but you will have access to funny, serious, inspirational and downright informative stories written by independent writers every day.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: William Randles on Unsplash