Narcissistic people have the most charming smile you’ve ever seen. It doesn’t take long for you to fall in love with them.
The first few times you met them, you’d think you finally found the one. That’s because of how perfect they are.
That’s how I felt when I met him.
We clicked instantly. We talked about the same hobbies, and our chemistry was palpable.
But red flags started showing up after I spent enough time with him. I began seeing his true colors, yet my stupid feelings blocked all that.
While it’s clearly one of my biggest mistakes, I hope once you see these red flags, you don’t ignore them as I did.
I felt more insecure after hanging out with him
Many dating experts recommend checking how you feel after spending time with your partner. That way, you’ll know whether they’re good for you or not.
I remember feeling more insecure whenever I came back from hanging out with him.
I wasn’t happy or inspired or peaceful. I felt depleted and more depressed than ever.
We always talked about his achievements and all his exes, which in a way, he showed me how great he was as a person.
Of course, there was no room for me to talk about my story because it was all about him.
Even if there was, he didn’t give the same acknowledgment. Instead, he criticized how I could do “better”.
Later I did learn that narcissists like to put people down so they can feel better. It’s their way of feeling superior to others.
They are also entitled to your attention, so they’ll do anything to get it but never bother to do the same.
My needs were never as important as his needs
In Mayoclinic’s articles which explain narcissistic behavior:
“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
When you’re with narcissists, forget about having your needs fulfilled because it’s never on their radar.
He knew damn well I was sensitive. However, in every argument we had, he chose to shut down and accused me of not caring enough about his feelings.
He’d play the victim card and act like the most miserable person on earth.
When he was in a bad mood, I was expected to cheer him up. Yet when I had family issues, he went to a party with his friends.
Dating a narcissist is more exhausting than you think.
There are lots of things you need to sacrifice to make them happy.
The first few months might feel like all rainbows and sunshine. Then, 3 months pass by, and you’d feel like your life’s falling apart.
Jealousy was an everyday issue in the relationship
It’s nothing new that narcissists tend to be more jealous and over-protective.
Because their self-esteem is low, they can’t deal with their uncomfortable feelings on their own. They always need to blame the other person.
That is why it’s hard to build a healthy relationship with them because they have a false idea of true love.
While they believe jealousy means they love you, emotionally secure people think it’s the other way around.
But of course, narcissists find it hard to admit that they’re in the wrong.
Once, I was hanging out with a male friend from college. He bombarded me with texts and calls. He wasn’t “cool” with it because it was a male friend.
No days went without him asking where I was all the freaking time.
Eventually, who I thought was the perfect guy, ended up making me feel like living in jail.
What to do when you’re currently dating one?
Depending on how long you’ve been with this person and whether you see a future or not, it’s always best to bring up your concern before making a permanent decision.
However, if they don’t bother to change or even consider your feelings, then maybe it’s time to walk away. There’s no shame in it.
Don’t beat yourself up by thinking you can somehow still save the relationship while your partner doesn’t even want it.
In my case, I was still young and figured that I wanted different things in life, so I got no other option but to let him go.
It’s not easy, especially when this person was your first love. However, there’s no point in staying in a relationship that puts you down all the time.
We have insecurity and all other complicated problems in life — even without dating them.
So, it’s only practical to expect someone who at least does not make your life harder.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — Lao Tzu
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Have you dated a narcissist before? What’s your experience look like?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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