Rom Cons: Problematic Movie Romance Lessons

What problematic love lessons are romances and rom coms sending us? We dig into the Nice Guy Trope, the Hot Person Rule and the idea that romance is about grand gestures and pushing each other away.

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00:00
pretty woman pretty woman is such a lie
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like a prostitute wouldn’t fall in love
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with you she would just like steal your
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shit and sell it for coke sometimes a
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heartwarming romance or romantic comedy
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is exactly what the doctor ordered but
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what medicine is that spoonful of sugar
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coated sentimentality actually pushing
00:21
down our throats when you take off those
00:23
heart-shaped glasses a great deal of
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movie romances and rom-coms can start to
00:28
look downright creepy are you getting
00:31
here the window do you do that on just a
00:37
past couple of months if we look back at
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some of the greatest romantic comedies
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in history the screwball comedies in the
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1930s like bringing a baby and his girl
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Friday we find stories about gender
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equality oh poor darling suit and she’s
00:53
endangered she’s helpless without me so
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that wish you hadn’t done that early
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Sanwa divorce me makes if I lose all
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faith in themselves give Zuma almost
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kids Matheny it wasn’t wanted I love jr.
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that’s what divorces are for today is
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more self-conscious romantic stories
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revived as spirits by critiquing our
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lazy assumptions about love or the sexes
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you should know up front
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not a love story I spent my whole life
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trying to avoid being alone because I
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was terrified but others struggled to
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deliver that happy ending of the romance
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a rom-com formula without arriving at a
01:31
pretty traditional looking picture of a
01:34
happy couple in spite of all this
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there’s a reason we keep going to the
01:37
movies looking for love Yale professor
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Mark lapa doula tells us why as film
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goers we learn you know certain things
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from the movies we do try to emulate
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certain actors or certain moments people
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will say things like oh it was so
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exciting it was almost like I was in a
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movie if you can have moments in your
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own life where you say this was
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something that was just so special I’ve
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had a lot of that that feeling was
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inspired that you’re trying to go for
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buy something you saw on screen at some
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point that really impacted on you and
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you just said I just wish some day I can
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meet a woman like that or I wish I could
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be in a moment where I could have
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someone like that in my arms and I could
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kiss them in that way
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now say you’re 32
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Cubert on the moon but at their worst
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romances and rom-coms
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can send us some messed up love lessons
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on the standard romance movie diet many
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of us have consumed it’s no wonder we
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might emerge with weird flawed ideas
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about love
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for example ever since Cinderella
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we’ve been watching beautiful women
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overcoming bad hair schlumpy clothes and
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a pair of glasses to get her man part of
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this taps into a long-standing male
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fantasy of being the woman’s creator
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she’s so deliciously low so horribly
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dirty write your name in number down for
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$5 girl just do it what the hell is that
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Zach $5 bill makes way back into my
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hands I’ll be able to call you and when
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you hear my voice on the other end then
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you’ll be even safer you many rom-coms
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and romances Center on the assumption
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that we’re meant to end up with someone
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the existence of soulmates is
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essentially a starting premise of the
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whole genre but if we’re focusing on
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destiny we’re passively waiting for a
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preordained romantic happiness to be
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handed to us there’s at least a good
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chance that isn’t how it works out in
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life a wonderful thought you had to use
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it all in life every single event is all
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part of some master plan designed to
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lead us to our universal soul mate if
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that’s really true then what’s the point
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of living the basis of almost every
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romance a rom-com is people who are made
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for each other pushing each other away
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over things that don’t really matter the
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romance is the resistance the fight see
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on again-off again that leads to the
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point where they actually get together
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get over here
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[Music]
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and if a guy pushes you away it’s really
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because he cares so much and isn’t ready
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yet for how much he loves you all these
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poor trails may brainwash us into
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thinking that a healthy relationship
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should be full of constant fighting and
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commitment issues your men are an
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elusive animal that wants acts and hates
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commitment cadet get outta here let’s
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get outta here okay
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but true love apparently changes these
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gruff commitment-phobic players love you
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I’m sorry into great boyfriend Terry
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you’re the one
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he’s got the notion into his head that
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he restored the old house where they had
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done that night Ali would find a way to
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come back to the scene in Love Actually
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when Andy Lincoln’s mark shows up with
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his cue cards is now famous as a top
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romantic movie moment but what really
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happens here this guy has ruined his
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best friend’s wedding video because he
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couldn’t stop perving on the bride now
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he deceives that friend makes Keira
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Knightley’s character lie to her husband
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while he undresses her with his eyes and
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shows her a picture of a rotting corpse
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what if the husband had opened the door
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hey hey hey hey I’m not a stalker I’m
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not a stalker right she’s a friend of
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mine spying on someone hiring a private
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investigator to dig up their info
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following them he’s here these are not
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romantic things in real life but in
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movies this is all okay because of the
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hot person rule you have to admit he’s
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ridiculously hot
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I’m sure if you are attracted to that
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sort of human than the hot type of human
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if a less hot person than Ryan Gosling
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wrote Ali a letter every day for a year
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and threatened to kill himself if she
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wouldn’t go out with him there you go Oh
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we’d probably call the police you know
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realized also if we like someone they’re
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crazy behaviors are endearing but if
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they’re not desirable suddenly those
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same behaviors take on harsh judgment if
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the DA blurred our theory if both people
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are into each other a big romantic
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gesture works like Lloyd Dobler holding
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up the boom box outside Diane courts
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window and say anything but if one
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person isn’t into the other the same
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gesture comes off serial-killer crazy or
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Dahmer I like you you can’t handle it
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and guess what everything that I’m doing
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right now if you like to me you’ll be so
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into it the rule that a hot person can
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do no wrong is so ironclad the movies
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even give us fantasies about semi
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abusive relationships with a hot guy
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Alwine I can’t ever lose control of you
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and these fantasies also operate on the
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rich person role in many of these movies
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there are different far more lenient
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rules for rich people so I should just
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mention that I have resigned them not
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for good when I say poor I mean we may
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have to share a helicopter with another
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family
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movies often show women refusing offers
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only to be won over in the end is this a
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certain kind of no really means try a
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few more times what are you doing
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this is called mounting an offense but
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men don’t like to be chased we’re told
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and if a woman gets to grand gesture
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Romantics she’s less Gosling or Love
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Actually guy and more fatal attraction
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or crazy ex-girlfriend what broken
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situations a lot more nuanced than that
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still a subset of the hot person rule
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adorable feminine cuteness over rules
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the woman chasing ban cuteness absolves
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the female lead of all guilt issues meg
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Ryan flying across the country to stare
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at a stranger she heard on the radio or
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Sandra Bullock lying to the family of a
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man in the coma or Julia Roberts
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sabotaging her best friend’s wedding or
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Audrey tattoo finding creative ways to
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stalk a guy we forgive everything
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romantic comedies and romances get tall
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chick flicks and the largely female
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audience maybe can see a tiny piece of
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ourselves magnified in the female leaves
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outlandish antics even if we’d never go
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through with these excessively romantic
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behaviors the nice guy trope implies
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that if a man tries hard another eye
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deserves to be with the woman even if
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she’s given no signs that she’s
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interested
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[Music]
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Groundhog Day and 50 first dates show us
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two nice guys manipulating women into
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loving them by taking advantage of a
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weird time loop or a girl with mental
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illness I like make a little house you
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got a walker
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that’s my effect
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but Murray and Sandler were told are
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good guys so any bad things the good guy
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does are excused by his inherent
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trustworthiness we have sex and then you
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immediately told dick
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Netflix’s love critiques this trope and
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Gus who’s the classic nice guy but as
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the first season reveals isn’t really
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all that nice you pretend to be nice and
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that’s worth what about you you know
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you’re pretending to like be this like
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cool girl you know who doesn’t follow
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the rules of how things go but then we
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have sex and then you immediately become
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like every other laying girl and this
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also brings up the cool girl trope men
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always use that doping as their defining
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complement she’s a cool girl cool girl
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is hot
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cool girl is gay cool girl is hot cool
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girl never gets angry at her man similar
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to the Manic Pixie dream girl this idea
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of the cool hot one of the guys dream
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girl who’s everything a boy imagines his
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perfect girl to be there are so many
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movies in which the woman is the reward
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that it’s hard for women not to feel
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they should model themselves into some
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kind of too-good-to-be-true pride for a
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man in the best friend many stories rely
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on this idea that we never realized
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we’re madly in love with our best friend
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but this never seems to happen in real
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life
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we’ve been ignoring that nerdy friend
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because we’re not attracted to them yes
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no yes no no fuck now people perceive
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you were somewhat tempestuous heinous
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bitch is the term used most often 10
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Things I Hate About You an update to
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Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew taught
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us that any independent driven or career
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woman must be tamed by the end of the
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romance she can still be smart but she
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needs to soften her edges and realize
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what really matters in life people of
11:01
medium attractiveness or non-white
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heritage are usually secondary
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characters in other people’s romance in
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most of these stories true love stars
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hot white women who are improbably
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clumsy so the audience will still find
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them relatable and not too perfect where
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she going gulp it’s also ok to leave
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someone at the altar and if you really
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love someone it’s ok to break up their
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relationship because the partner we have
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to get rid of is conveniently without a
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personality or a heart my best friend’s
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wedding actually makes fun of this
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assumption when she doesn’t get the guy
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and proves a terrible friend for trying
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to ruin her best friend’s romance you
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kissed him like my wedding day
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it’s not love unless you make a big
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public dramatic declaration all I’m
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asking you is dull right now just yet
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finally and most importantly the happy
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ending justifies the mean
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romances forgive a mountain of elaborate
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lies and horrific manipulation which are
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washed away and absolved by the jubilant
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happily ever after perhaps the best
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example of this is the sensationally
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insane overboard uber rich lady joanna
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falls from a yacht and gets amnesia
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forgetting about the hard-working
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carpenter and single dad Dean Proffitt
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she unfairly threw off her boat instead
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of paying him to get revenge Dean
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tricked her into believing she’s his
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devoted wife and the mother of four
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badly behaved coy the movie gets us on
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board by making joanna an obnoxious
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cartoon of the Richie Rich and making it
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lots of fun as she struggles as the
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hopeless housewife
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actually he should be in prison and
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she’s the victim of a traumatic
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kidnapping and an array of abusive
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tactic he could be some stranger off the
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street well he seems to like you
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Eddie’s a nice guy Wayne but by the end
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she loved him so based on some circular
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logic this is all meant to be and we the
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audience forgive all too because we’ve
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fallen in love with the couple if it
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doesn’t end happily for you instead you
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become a crazy ex-girlfriend also why is
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it that so many rom-com views amnesia is
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a light-hearted plot device unless
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you’re as adorable as a ryan as dreamy
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as a Gosling as goofy as a Sandler as
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enticing as mr. big or as made for each
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other as Russell and Hahn remember that
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the rest of us must live by a different
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set of romance rules if we want to stay
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out of jail
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[Music]