Hit with the divorced dad holiday blues, the Off Parent asks ‘The Question.’
___
When you’re happily married you think life is all set. Then you have kids and the world gets even bigger and brighter. Then some tough times come along and muck up the happily ever after. And after much hand wringing, and arguments the money is settled, the housing is decided upon, and dad (that’s me) is out on his own, to fend for himself, in the world of being a divorced dad with shared custody, that is to say, about 30%.
Some days I roll along like a happy man, a divorced dad working the program, doing his best. Other days, I fall below the “joy” quotient and I would really rather chill in my bed, watch movies, surf the net, and withdraw from all the activity. The holidays are some of the hardest times, for some reason. And today, when I delivered my kids to my old house, my wife’s house, I was a bit bereft. Lonely. Aimless. Sad.
But today, as I was getting back in my car, backing out of my old driveway, with no particular place to go, I felt the punch. A light poke in the solar plexus.
|
It’s not that there was anything that happened. In fact, just the opposite. My life is feeling pretty sweet, considering. But today, as I was getting back in my car, backing out of my old driveway, with no particular place to go, I felt the punch. A light poke in the solar plexus. A minor ache, that continued to echo though my body the rest of the afternoon. It’s the little things that get you.
Like little places you pass that remind you of a good moment. And we had a lot of good moments, before we had all the bad moments. And today, eating lunch, I pulled into a place, not on purpose, where I enjoyed one of the last good times I remember with my ex. She was working nearby, over six years ago, and we made plans to meet for lunch. It was in this golden moment, right after I’d had my vasectomy, when we were trying to score the 40 ejaculates before we could have the well-earned unprotected sex. And for a month, my wife rediscovered her libido, or something. She joked that it was more about hitting the goal. I was thrilled for the renewal and imagined the sex ahead would be even better.
♦◊♦
After divorce, you count back in your head, sometimes, the moments when you knew things were great, and the moments when you first sensed that things were spiraling out of control, in the wrong direction. And the little moments of magic can pop up, like today, and re-trigger the old hurt. And who, knows, maybe there was part of me that wanted to lean into the ache that was already taking root in my chest.
This last moment flashed before me today, as I was eating at this funky little Mexican restaurant, and there was pang of sadness, a worry—will I ever have another moment, another love so good?
|
This last moment flashed before me today, as I was eating at this funky little Mexican restaurant, and there was pang of sadness, a worry—will I ever have another moment, another love so good? The moment strikes at the heart of what ultimately blew us apart, and so this little scene of playful joy is not important, except for the feeling I still get when I remember it. We were happy, joyful in our quest for liberated sex again …
In good old days, this one time, we met at this restaurant, and in the parking lot around to the side, my wife gave me a quickie blow job, in the most silly and playful way. We were like kids, getting away with something terribly forbidden. Today, the flicker of that moment, showed two people playing at sex, enjoying the raucous play, and getting away with a little secret in the middle of the work day.
I guess the deeper part of the ache is the lack of spontaneous or playful sex I’ve had in the years since that peak. When the condoms came off the sex continued at an ever slowing pace. It seems the “goal” really was part of the fun for my then-wife. I tried to rekindle whatever I could from my end, but things continued to fade. She became less willing to even be close, much less have sex.
♦◊♦
It was as if there were a string of conditions for intimacy that became more of an alchemical mixture rather than anything I could predict or influence.
|
Sex is not everything, but it’s important. As our sex life continued to fade, I continued to be the interested party who was given the challenge to “ask differently” and “keep the house clean” and “pay all the bills.” It was as if there were a string of conditions for intimacy that became more of an alchemical mixture rather than anything I could predict or influence. I continued to want sex, while my ex lost interest in it. The stereotype says women become bored sexually in monogamous relationships. The truth is, men do too, but we’re often more willing to work on the monotony with more intention—at least I know I was.
In the last year of my marriage, I am certain we could easily go for a month at a stretch without having sex. And it’s not that I wasn’t asking, cajoling, seeing if she wanted a massage. Her switch flipped off and stayed off. There was not much I could do about it. As I was making lists of things I could do to entice her, she was becoming more distant.
In a recent post by a friend, on what to get your husband for Christmas, I was saddened that the tone, even from this psychologist, was so one-sided. Here’s the list.
- Oral Sex
- Regular Sex
- Some Other Sexual Thing…
- Appreciation
- Love
- Wear a Santa Hat and Nothing Else
This is a common theme. The “how sex used to be” theme. In a Facebook post Dr. Psych Mom poses a theoretical question from a reader.
Why his wife last 69ed before they had kids, 12 years ago. Then I can answer, with solemnity:
My friend, there is probably no amount of doing the chores that is going to get you that again. It’s one of those things that women only do when they are young and uninhibited, like dyeing their hair purple, or dancing on top of the bar.
Now if you took care of the kids for an entire weekend while she visited the friend with whom she used to dye her hair purple and dance on top of the bar….. then maybe.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
No promises.
But that’s the point. I was doing the extra things. I was offering her “girl’s night out.” I was taking care of putting the kids to bed so she could get in the mood. Except, more often than not, she was falling asleep or working on a project when I came out of the kid’s room.
♦◊♦
We all have to work on our sexual communication. If it gets off, we need to chat about it. If it really get’s off, we need to bring it front-and-center in therapy.
|
We all have to work on our sexual communication. If it gets off, we need to chat about it. If it really get’s off, we need to bring it front-and-center in therapy. Somehow I was letting our sexual disconnect be “okay.” We went to therapy, but we were usually dealing with some “crisis” that I didn’t really see as a crisis. And I’m sure, that was the problem. I wanted closeness, and maybe even sex. She wanted all the worries and struggles of the day to be gone.
Sure men have an easier time getting turned on, and women take some warming up. But women also have to be open to suggestion, or it’s a non-starter no matter how you phrase it, or what technique you use to rub her feet. Needless to say, it wasn’t the loss of sex that caused us to get a divorce, but the loss of sexual connection indicated that our relationship was out of balance. Unfortunately, I was never able to regain that balance with my then-wife. And as the emotional aspects of our relationship got more complicated, the sex simply dried up completely.
So dear, Dr. Psych, what is a man in a committed relationship, who is doing all the extra things and still getting the cold shoulder supposed to do? Move on?
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
back to The Hard Stuff
reference: What To Get Your Husband For Christmas. And None of The Suggestions Are From Brookstone – Dr. Psych Mom (also a GMP blogger)
related posts:
- Giving Up On Me, and Why I Still Hate What You Did
- Breaking Up and Getting Over It: Someday We’ll Know
- The Whimsical Blowjob & Other Unexplainable Ecstasies
- Cheating Hearts, Cheating Minds
image: kiss, martin neuhof, creative commons usage
I can see this situation from both sides. My husband and I don’t have sex often.
We don’t have sex behind his parents couch, on hotel balconies or even up against the wall any more.
But when we do ‘connect’ it is usually good.
I think when life grows we simply have more priorities…
However I do think it sounds like there was an underlying issue here – if I bribe my husband to do things with sex he gets it!
“If I bribe my husband to do things with sex”
You’re part of the problem.
It sounds like there were bigger issues in the marriage that you blew off or ignored… the “crisis” you ignored in counseling. Maybe her sex drive did go down, did you think about asking to go to a doctors appointment with her to discuss it? Were you doing all these “extra” things hoping to get sex? Intent is huge and as a woman I can see if from a mile away. When every nice thing you do and every bit of attention you give is directed towards getting sex, it is the last thing we want. We want closeness, warmth,… Read more »
Sev, of course there were bigger issues. The sex was a symptom of her withdrawal. Were there bigger issues? Yes, I’m sure those are the ones we were sorting through on the three different occasions when we started couples therapy (at my request). Sex is never the goal, for me. It should be the byproduct of a healthy and passionate relationship. When things shift, both partners should be willing to talk. When the talking becomes labored then they should seek help. When even that fails to bring any resolution or closeness (not sex) then perhaps the marriage has run it’s… Read more »
Great article. Honesty and truth. A willingness to be vulnerable (strength) creates that honesty that you have with yourself and your readers. As a couples therapist, I see the issue of sexual intimacy as a huge issue and unfortunately rarely talked about – often until they start couples therapy. To a large degree, I look at it as a barometer of the relationship. It tells me a lot. Good and very useful questions proposed by Steve. Those questions help create the conversation that needs to take place – the conversations that are much more difficult to have. It is still… Read more »
Kristin, I got a warm fuzzy reading your comment. Thank you so much for your ideas. I felt that I *was* indeed doing everything I could. And I also believe that, as you mentioned, she checked out of the marriage and forgot to tell me for a year or so.
It’s not the sex that I miss; or not just. It’s the feeling of being desirable because I am desired. The sex has gone – and I am still committed. So what do I do? Well, I go to a therapist, to try to work it out; I try to convince myself that sex isn’t everything, that there are many other good things about our marriage. And there are, but no sexual connection at all IS a major downer.
No sex, is an issue if it’s an issue for one of you. Don’t give up on that fight or you will lose a vital part of yourself. Something else is usually at play, physically, emotionally, there’s a reason she’s stopped having sex with you.
i was in a sexless relationship for years. I always said it wasn’t just about missing orgasms; it was my missing the emotional closeness that comes with that kind of physical closeness. Good luck to you.
You divorce them. If they are using sex as a bargaining chip to get a weekend without the kids, where sex becomes a reward….a “cookie”, where she views sex as something women GIVE to men, then you divorce, you run, you never look back. If she has genuine health issues there might be some hormonal treatments (a tiny shot of testosterone I hear helps women’s libido), counseling, reordering life to allow more time and you can work together on it. One problem I noticed is that there is a belief in men that women don’t want sex as much, and… Read more »
Archy, I think she had already moved on emotionally and forgot to let me know until she asked for a divorce. I’m not sure it was a conscious decision, but I’ll never know. Kids of course make the “dump her” a bit more complicated. Thanks for your comment.
Yeah I’ve seen many men talk about that, and family court issues. It’s tough when the love dies out or something happens. Society is so much harder when people live with only a few people in a house vs community style living I guess for that.
I remember reading a long time ago that women tend to feel ready to leave the relationship for 6-12 months before they tell their spouse. As I’ve gotten to the age where friends are getting divorced I can see that it’s true. I have a number of friends who are married and because I am close to them I can see the divorce coming down the road. I’m sure their husbands don’t know this. I doubt it’s any consolation and I don’t know you or your ex-wife, but I wonder if she had already given up. For women to want… Read more »
Yes, Emily, I think you are catching my point. That’s what I’m saying. The sex was a symptom of something much deeper. And yes, I believe she was planning her departure for a while. Sad that she chose to exit rather than work it out. But that’s her choice and I had very little say in the matter.
Thanks for your comment.
Great article and great blog! Loved reading a few of those today. Your vulnerability is stupendous! Here’s my take on your last question. It’s one of the biggest ones I work with men on and the one that changed my life forever. “What is a man in a committed relationship, who is doing all the extra things and still getting the cold shoulder supposed to do? Move on?” Complicated question. Answering it is process and it takes time and work. If man’s non-negotiable value is that he WILL be in a long-term, committed, romantic, and sexual relationship with someone who… Read more »
Damn. Great response Steve. Thank you. I believe I was in the process of rebuilding the trust with my wife over some of the big things. But somewhere along the line she just quit believing that we’d ever reach a comfortable medium again. It came down to money and work. I really do like your questions about taking care of MY business too, and not just the sex.
Steve,
Great response! I think #5 is of particular importance.
This is a sad story Off Parent and I wish I knew what to tell you. It sounds like your wife lost her libido and there may have been nothing you did to cause it. As a middle aged woman, my libido has definitely changed. I think it is part hormonal and part psychological. On the psychological side, frankly I just don’t feel sexy anymore. I’m not at all happy about my body or appearance. I know my partner still thinks I’m sexy (God bless him) but when I’m at Starbucks and I see 20-somethings in yoga pants, I know… Read more »
Wow, Emily. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I can see your point. I do think if the relationship is a priority we should learn to adapt and grow. In a weird way I hope my ex is happy and has some sort of joy again, with her boyfriend. Not that it matters that much to me.
Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your experience.
“On the psychological side, frankly I just don’t feel sexy anymore. I’m not at all happy about my body or appearance. I know my partner still thinks I’m sexy (God bless him) but when I’m at Starbucks and I see 20-somethings in yoga pants, I know that my time for being a really sexy, desirable woman has passed forever.” Damn that is frustrating…you sound like my wife, but WTF?! Have you ever thought about why you think SEXY is only a 20yo in yoga pants? My wife is in her 40s, we have four kids, and yes, her body changed,… Read more »
This was a really good read. Thanks for the openness and honesty. I look forward to reading more of your work. You’re a great writer. I really needed to read this, especially during the often dark holidays.
Take care.
Thanks Darrin. Yes, there’s plenty more on the blog. I’ve been writing about this for 5+ years. Keep rockin the positive side.
It sounds like she was ungrateful for some reason… There’s a lot of good women out there that really appreciates such effort. One day you’ll meet someone who’s willing to give as much to you as you give her!
http://transform.transformativechange.org/files/The_Holstee_Manifesto-791×1024.png
That is my belief. Thank you for seeing my point.
Every single thing I could think of. Every thing. Total commitment.
What do you mean when you say you do all the extra things?