So This Is What It’s Like to Be a Teen Girl

As I had mentioned previously, in my thirties, I realized I was an attractive guy. At times, that created a perspective that made me bigger and bolder; at other times, it made me smaller and quieter. I was never good-looking enough that I needed to hide. I didn’t draw that kind of attention as a man. As a woman said about me once, “Michael, you’re not the kind of guy that is walking down the street a woman says to herself, ‘Damn, he’s fine,’ nor are you the type of guy that when a woman is walking down the street, she says to herself, ‘Damn, he’s nasty.’” I was unprepared for the response I received just for being an American male human in Korea.

I was not prepared for all the women to stop what they were doing when I got on a bus, sit up straight, fix their hair, and smile at me.

I was not prepared for the Queen Bee of those women to come and sit next to me as soon as I sat down.

I was unprepared for women walking on the opposite side of the street, going in the opposite direction from me, doing an about-face, crossing the road, and then walking next to me, striking up conversations.

I was unprepared for the Queen Bee to get up from her seat, stand beside me, and lean her body against mine when standing on a train.

I was not prepared to eat alone in restaurants, and I had young, attractive women whisper and giggle while staring at me and following me when I left.

I was not prepared to wear shorts and a T-shirt, and women looked me up and down with a smirk and a sense of ownership.

I was not prepared for every woman to focus all their attention on getting and keeping mine. They often aggressively told me they were single and had a successful career. They found me “very interesting” while smiling, giggling, and continuously telling me how smart, funny, and exciting I was. Even though I could tell they weren’t even listening to me or what I was saying.

I was not prepared for women being attracted to me and pursuing me, knowing it had nothing to do with their interest or attraction.

I was unprepared because they perceived me as wealthy and successful; Michael Swerdloff, the human being, was irrelevant.

I was not prepared to become shy and quiet when I could tell I was a target.

I was unprepared to be noticed everywhere but still felt unseen.

I was not prepared to learn about the experiences of teens and young women who cannot go out in public without somebody wanting them, but not being interested in them.

I was not prepared to walk away from women to whom I was very attracted and interested, knowing that, no matter what I did or said, they would still mostly see me as their White Knight.

I was unprepared to wonder if what I would wear that day would attract more attention than I could handle emotionally or mentally.

I was not prepared for all this attention from amazing women to become a source of discomfort and shame. I felt ashamed that we had convinced so many of these women that they could have a better life just by being with, marrying, and moving to the United States, even if they didn’t like the person they were married to.

I was not prepared for the deep shame I felt for all the girls and women who experienced the same thing as I was, but men had even less interest in them than these women had in me. I understood that my experiences were temporary; this was not true for the women who experience this endlessly. And I reflected on all the times I had noticed a woman, only seeing her face and body.

This is an excerpt from my self-published memoir, Raised by Wooves, Possibly Monsters: From Mobster to Reiki Master.

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This post was previously published on Michael Swerdloff’s blog.

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