The Great Love Question: Am I Worthy or Unworthy?

Distracted once again, because of a man. But is it really because of him, or is it because of me? One of the seven hermetic principles is the following: as within, so without, as above so below. Meaning that everything we experience in the outside world is a result of our internal world. I had to really, really sit with this today.

I went inward.

I went so deep that I had an aha moment. When I was a child at seven, my parents separated, and then finally divorced when I was nine. After my father moved out, my mother left me at my grandmother’s house for days and weeks at a time while she dated someone who later became my stepfather. When I turned twelve, they married and had a child together, whom I would babysit every day after school when I was thirteen.

From the moment I came home at 3:00 pm, I’d find my mother sitting at the kitchen counter with her car keys ready to bolt out of the house and drive to the gym, Monday through Friday. Although looking back, I love how dedicated she was to exercising because health is wealth, I also realize how she never asked me how my day was, not even for a second, because she was uninterested. I wasn’t even greeted with a kiss, and hugs were nonexistent.

And so, every day, I saw how my mother did everything she could to serve my stepfather with her good looks, home-cooked meals, and a new baby, while I faded into the background. In fact, on a few occasions when she became angry, she told me that I could move back in with my biological father because I was a nuisance to the “new life” she was building — as she put it. It was cold, blunt, and ruthless.

On another occasion, throughout my young adulthood, she told me I was dead to her and disappeared from my life between the ages of twenty-four and thirty-two. Despite continuing to have a beautiful relationship with my other relatives, I built a life carrying the belief that my mother simply didn’t love me. Over time, I accepted it, adjusted to the absence, and made peace with it — until she decided to make amends during my mid-thirties. I wanted to do the right thing by reconnecting, but something had been lost along the way. The bond that should’ve been nurtured between a mother and daughter through shared experiences, trust and understanding, had never taken root, and so we built a cordial relationship that was pretty much surface-level.

Fast forward. Here I am in my forties, and whenever I begin dating someone I’m really into, I begin feeling on some deep cellular level, that I won’t be chosen; that I’ll never be a priority, and that in some ways, I won’t even be wife material. (A topic to be written about for a different day). And when I tell you it’s subconscious, it really is, until today, as I write about this awareness.

I can name a few times when a man was really into me, possibly even falling in love, and yet somehow he ended up choosing another woman over me. He’d either go back to an ex-girlfriend or move on to someone new. And I’d be left wondering, what happened?

The worst part was feeling used, as I thought, “How could he sleep with me, and yet jump into bed with someone else, and still expect me to respect him solely because he apologized politely?”

Sometimes, the rejection I felt would intensify. Not just because rejection sucks, but because it would reactivate my mother wound. This is where the hermetic principle, as within, so without; as above, so below, really starts to make sense.

When I decided to reflect on what I might’ve done wrong to push some men away, I remembered how I was treated as a child. Sure, anyone can tell you to get over what happened to you as a kid, but a mother is your mother, even if you stop speaking to each other. It’s a lifetime relationship with a lifetime impact. Hence, the way I had been feeling inside had been manifesting on the outside. Let me explain.

People who are truly healed handle challenges (and triggers) differently.

Whenever a man would begin to pull away or need a moment, I handled my triggers by returning to the little girl I used to be — the one who was emotionally neglected, abandoned, and lied to, so I could “help” keep the facade that my mother wanted to present to her husband and the world.

I’d instantly panic and think the following:

He’s losing interest. There’s someone else he likes more. I’m not good enough. I was only a fling.

I couldn’t believe that if a man pulled away, he’d miss me and come back. You know, how some women are as cool as a cucumber? Maybe they’re a little worried when a man begins to distance himself (as anyone would be), but it’s not enough to turn her entire world upside down.

The woman might sense the man needs a small break, or maybe he has his own wounds to deal with, so she doesn’t take it personally. Not me. I’d think the worst and take things very personally.

I’d think it was too good to be true. He used me for sex. He’s still in love with his ex. I was just a fantasy. He’d never make a change for me. The timing isn’t right. I’m dreaming the impossible.

And while I was secretly thinking these thoughts, silently to myself, they’d actually manifest. A man who was once wildly attracted and curious about me, would suddenly begin to drift.

The Seven Hermetic Principles are spiritual laws that were shared by ancient Egypt and Greece, insinuating that if you understand how these laws work, then you will have more power in your life. Well, one of these laws is the law of vibration.

Nothing rests; everything moves; everything vibrates. — The Kybalion

When we vibrate at a high frequency in joy, love, and compassion, we draw similar vibrations towards us. The same is true of the lower vibrations, such as resentment or jealousy. Walking the path of self-discovery means recognizing our ever-changing rhythms, acknowledging emotional and mental fluctuations, and considering how these manifest into being. Taken from The College of Psychic Studies.

Imagine feeling unworthy as a child and carrying that feeling all the way into adulthood, and yet trying to make logical sense of every situation instead of pointing back to yourself? I’m not suggesting that when disappointing things happen, it’s always our fault. What I am saying is that how we feel and what we think tends to manifest into our physical reality because… imagine the happy-go-lucky woman who feels loved even when a man pulls away. It makes no difference to her because she assumes he won’t stop caring overnight. And if, for some reason, he does lose interest, it doesn’t cause her entire world to come crashing down. She feels the pain and then bounces back, attracting something more aligned because the rejection didn’t break her. She feels too loved in other areas of her life for it to tip the balance of the scales. In other words, she’s grounded.

I’m not saying that we should bypass every uncomfortable feeling there is; that somehow, we should skip the lows and only fly higher and higher. Landing is a part of the experience just like rest and letting go, and grieving a loss. But for the sake of looking inward, it makes a lot more sense when we lift a lamp to our darkness, which can make a big difference in our universe. Are we always the victims in every situation, or can we finally learn the lesson so we don’t repeat it and continue blaming others for our broken hearts?

I’ve read plenty of man-bashing articles written by women that sometimes shed light on a man’s irresponsible behavior, and I agree, we need to hold them accountable. However, I’ve also read other articles that, in my opinion, came across a little too harsh and bitter — and I did not want to become one of those bitter women. So, I looked inward to see how I might be contributing to the manifestation of certain situations in my life.

Trust me, I get it. Every issue is different, and discernment is key. But it’s no longer only women complaining about men; it’s men complaining about women, too.

More and more content is being produced by men who are sick of giving princess treatment. They also feel used, unloved, or taken for granted. So you have to wonder? Is there really an imbalance between the sexes, or is something deeper going on within all of us?

When I started looking a little deeper into the Seven Hermetic Principles, I learned that we really do have more power than we realize — we are magicians. Hence, if you don’t feel worthy of love, you might energetically push love away due to your frequency. And here’s the other thing: you could think you’re healed until you’re triggered.

Being challenged. Being triggered. Being disrespected. That is the sweet spot to either ascend to your next level of growth or descend back into the same pattern of belief that most likely started from childhood — those long lost memories we’ve since forgotten. But our cells didn’t forget. Our nervous system didn’t forget. Our subconscious mind definitely didn’t forget — it still holds every memory. And therein lies the difference in feeling worthy or unworthy of love. It’s how you rise to a challenge and deal with a trigger when predictability begins to shift into the unknown. Do you immediately think everyone will leave you? Do you subconsciously feel someone else deserves more love than you? Because what you truly believe becomes an energetic frequency that you exude into the universe.

I can’t speak for others because I can only speak for myself, but, I think I’m starting to see myself a lot more clearly now.

Don’t give up on yourself. You are worthy.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.