I first read Don Miguel Ruiz’s transformative book, The Four Agreements, when I was in my mid-20s. If you aren’t familiar with the teachings, the book offers four simple-in-theory-but-harder-to-put-into-practice pieces of wisdom for living a more centered, joyful life.
The second agreement, “Take nothing personally,” is the one I have always struggled with the most. I put so much of who I am into my work and my interactions with others, and this overextension has often left me feeling teetery and off-balance, especially when faced with harsh criticism.
But it all clicked into place yesterday.
Humans are social creatures. We all need connection and community. That’s why it’s so dangerous when someone feels ostracized or excluded over a long period of time; It leaves them ripe for plucking by radical groups of other “outcasts.”
When people feel like they have a community and support network, even when they’re stressed or upset, they are less likely to try and bring others down to their level.
We are wired to want and seek out connection with others; a three-year-old’s temper tantrum arises largely because they want attention but aren’t able to articulate that desire. In much the same way, even trolls online reach out in an attempt to get a response.
I recently saw an online interaction play out where someone commented on a girl’s Instagram that [in his opinion,] she was too heavy to be acting as confident as she was acting. Sentiment aside, it’s obvious that the guy making that remark wanted her attention. Anyone else would just scroll past and think, “eh, this content is not for me.” But the girl used his plea for attention to her advantage, and she employed Don Miguel Ruiz’s second principle well. Instead of reacting to the remark, she instead replied, “Well thank you for the comment for my algorithm,” to which he further tried to goad her by suggesting she “go stuff some cheeseburgers down her face.” I am not sure how this girl kept so cool but her hilarious response? “Venmo me so I can!” And the guy sent her $25!
Joyful, happy people spread smiles and cheer; Hurt and angry people spread pain.
And none of it is about us; It’s all about what is spilling out of them.
If you can hold this key piece of information — that nearly every interaction is a bid for attention and connection — it reduces the emotional charge of what someone is saying. If you can listen for the hurt and address that, more often than not, you can ease a little bit of their pain, and it will reduce the pain you feel. And if you can remember to not take any of it personally, you will be richer for it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Everton Vila on Unsplash
