June is someone whose services I used a while back, so it’s safe to say we aren’t exactly friends.
But she seems to be going through something at the moment because it didn’t take her long to open up to me when I ran into her the other day.
I wouldn’t fault her one bit because when I’ve found myself in the thick of things, I’ve spilled my guts to anyone who cares to listen.
This girl opened up like an old car engine and left me draped in a heavy blanket of sadness.
Judging from her story, it’s pretty evident that her husband expected to marry a caretaker and child-bearer, not a wife.
For the past seventeen years, June has cared for her four kids, husband, and parents-in-law. Her day is spent running errands that have little to do with her.
She goes to the market to buy a boatload of groceries, enough to feed eight people.
She takes her parents-in-law to the mall. (Not sure why they feel they have to go there, but hey…)
She takes them for physiotherapy sessions and doctor’s visits.
She picks up her kids from school.
She drops them off for swimming or drama practice.
The point?
June never ever has time for herself.
In her mid-forties, she doesn’t even know what she wants out of life. Or how the trajectory of her life is unfolding.
…
Right from the start, the agreement was that her husband would provide everything. So, this woman hasn’t worked a day in her life.
When I met her at the massage parlor a month ago, she was only there out of the kindness of a close friend who has been teaching her how to start becoming financially independent.
When someone opens up to you, you don’t want to start asking them questions that sound like judgment, right?
That’s why I resisted the temptation of asking why it had taken a whooping seventeen years for her to do something about her situation.
And yet…
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Photo by Ksenia Yakovleva on Unsplash
You can understand why she stayed silent at the beginning of the relationship.
At the onset, when you get married into a family, helping inlaws feels like a favor, an act of kindness.
Plus, the fact that relationship dynamics can get messy pretty fast, it takes a very brave heart to call things out.
At times, before you even realize you’re being misused, you’re in too deep, and they’ve become dependent on you.
Also, as a new bride, you don’t want to rock the boat too early into your marriage.
This is when you’re settling in together, preparing your little nest, and adjusting to life as Mr and Mrs.
It’s also the stage when you (the bride) believe your husband will slay any dragons in your path to protect you.
But the truth is, that is rarely the case if it has something to do with his mother.
Mothers have this uncanny hold over their sons that few of us can comprehend. This is why most men have trouble standing up to their mothers.
So their wives are forced to deal with it themselves.
Right off the bat, let me say this:
No matter how close you are to your parents, it’s your sole responsibility to protect them from your parents. Period.
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That said, women find themselves in this situation more often than men.
Look around.
There are never any expectations for the man to live with his inlaws. But there’s pressure for a woman to do this — especially in countries whose cultures promote a thick social blanket.
Even when she doesn’t live with them, she’s expected to be available for family functions if not organize them.
She’s expected to check up on them from time to time. Essentially be at their beck and call.
This scenario is so unbalanced it makes my skin crawl. Why?
When a couple gets married, they should be equal partners. No one should be seen as lesser or relegated to taking care of the other spouse’s family.
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Sure, this arrangement worked for so many families. But was it right?
When I visited my grandmother, her mother-in-law was always there because she lived there.
My grandmother cooked big meals, cleaned, and took care of everyone. With the older generations, there was no other way than this.
But like my grandmother, anyone who lives with inlaws becomes a caretaker by default.
The big question always is;
When I’m busy taking care of your parents, who takes care of mine?
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Photo by iStockPhoto.com
There’s low-key disrespect that is at play here.
I don’t know whether these inlaws ever consider the importance of privacy for the couple. The way I see it, this is disrespect.
I’m in my second marriage, and let me tell you that time together is the solution to almost every problem.
Sex doesn’t even come close to this.
There’s no way to know a spouse and how they’re doing, like spending time together, and you absolutely can’t do this with inlaws lurking at the corners.
Also, can you really have mind-blowing sex with your inlaws in the next room? Nope.
The question then becomes, how is the couple expected to fan the flames of intimacy with all these people in the home?
The funny thing is that these are the same inlaws who blame the bride if the marriage goes pear-shaped.
Funny, huh?
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Let’s not forget the silent but deadly mental torture.
I know many women who’ve had to endure verbal abuse and ill-treatment from their inlaws, leaving their mental status in terrible shape.
I have married friends who had a twinkle in their eyes years ago but now walk around with crushed self-esteem.
Why?
- They’ve been told too many times that nothing they do is ever good enough.
- The latches of anxiety grasp them tightly because they’ve heard how inadequate a wife they are.
- Everything they do is scrutinized — parenting skills, home organization, and career moves.
The sad part is that most of them sink their heads in the sand because it would cost them too much to disrupt their lives.
And yeah, not all inlaws are terrible people, but even the best people can turn nasty if you give them too much access to your life.
When they said familiarity breeds contempt, they weren’t lying.
The thing with mental torture is that it seeps through slowly and silently. Before you know it, you’re deeply unhappy.
You’ve lost the spring in your step and the twinkle in your eye. Nothing excites you anymore.
When too much negativity is heaped on your conscience, you start to absorb it. You own it because it’s human nature.
It’s tough.
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I’m so glad June is taking control of her life before she became constricted entirely to the extent of losing her mental health.
Though from the sound of it, she came pretty close to it.
I’m so proud of her resilience too.
Hard as her next chapter in life will be — she has to move out, find work and raise her kids. She says all she thinks about now is how she will begin to live for herself.
For the first time in, like… forever.
She will structure her days the way she wants. She will run around doing errands that are hers and her kids.
If that’s not freedom and peace, I don’t know what is.
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For someone living with inlaws who cause them pain, I would say:
In life, everything is hard. But you have to choose your hard.
Be like June and draw a line in the sand. Don’t sink your head in the sand. Massage your feelings of discontent so many times until you affect change.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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