I built my own fence.
I own it.
It is mine.
It keeps me safe.
It keeps me trapped.
We build a fence to protect ourselves. Our feelings.
We feel we need a defense. Protection. A Barricade to prevent harm from others.
Then we harm ourselves.
Through my personal experience, I learned that I harmed myself, my self-esteem, my confidence, my pride, everything about myself on a daily basis.
Because of that, I expected others to do the same to me.
I could not defend myself from myself, but I built a barrier so that others could not harm me.
Then I attacked others before they attacked me.
I knew how the game was played, and I would not allow others to harm me.
If they came close to the way I attacked myself, I attacked them to make them stop.
I fought them off, so I could harm myself.
The way I anticipated that they would harm me.
I could not handle abuse from myself AND others, so I saved myself for myself.
I was all I could handle.
So I attacked others. Viciously. Angrily. Aggressively.
I wanted to make sure that no one else harmed me better than I could harm myself.
I was the very best at it.
And I win at everything I do.
When someone came close to me and touched a sensitive spot, I aggressively attacked. I would make sure they would not hurt me anymore.
I was already damaged, from the self-inflicted attacks, so I could not handle more.
I was the only aggressor I could handle.
I was the best, so I needed no more.
The fence I built also helped me keep those trying to help me from damaging myself from preventing the attacks.
I felt I deserved the damage I was doing to myself, so I prevent others from stopping me.
I was all I needed.
They would not, could not stop me from harming myself.
I deserved it. I was inadequate, unlovable, broken…
…so I would continue to punish myself on a daily basis.
But I could not allow others to harm me. There was not enough of me to go around. I was saving all of me for my own attacks.
I had perfected self-loathing, self-defeat, self-destruction.
Only I knew how worthless I really had become. I could not allow others to see because they would abandon me, and left alone, really alone…
…I would inflict the final blow.
I deserved it. I felt.
Then I allowed someone in. Someone who cared. Someone who I trusted that loved me.
And they did not harm me. They only prevented me from harming myself.
Loving people could really feel how broken I was, could see how broken I was…
Truly loving people love themselves first.
…and when I let them inside, they stopped me from harming myself.
My fence had kept them out.
As soon as I let down my fence to loving people…
…they stopped me from hurting myself.
They actually recognized my uniqueness, my talents, my gifts, and they reminded me of them…
…and they set out to shine their light on my true nature, not cause harm.
They set out stop my own victimization of myself – my vicious attacks on myself.
They attacked with love and compassion.
I had it all wrong.
Hurt people hurt people.
Loved people love people.
They love themselves unconditionally.
As soon as they helped by teaching me how to recognize my own attacks on myself…
…the attacks slowed. As soon as I began to recognize my own gifts again, the attacks slowed more.
Soon I had gained enough awareness to prevent the attacks.
I had caused my own life’s pain.
Because of the pain I inflicted on myself, I expected others to cause me the same pain…
…so I expected it from the world.
And I received it. I attracted it to myself. I allowed it. I encouraged it.
I had been the reason for my own pain.
And as soon as I stopped causing my own damage, I stopped expecting it from other.
And as soon as I stopped expecting it from others, the amount of love I had for others increased, in perfect synchronicity with the amount of love I had for myself.
Your inner world creates your outer world.
Change your inner world, and your outer world magically unfolds.
We cannot change, control, or manipulate our outer world…
…unless we change, control, or manipulate our inner world.
We become what we feel.
I fought this, did not believe it, would not accept it my entire life…
Until I did.
Then magic happened.
Steps. Slow, steady progress.
Progress you will not regret, that others will see… not believe…
Others desire a better life, but do not believe it is available for them.
Because of their fence.
They are protecting themselves from attacks of others.
While they harm themselves.
I just need to wait for them to allow me to stop harming themselves…
And then I stop their attacks.
Then magic can happen.
How strong is your fence?
This post was previously published on Mike Kitko and is republished here with permission from the author.
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