If you’ve ever been through a rough breakup, you know how devastatingly bad it can get: daily buckets of tears, loss of appetite, stomachaches, insomnia, headaches, and the list goes on.
You’d think humans would have evolved to be more resilient towards breakups by now, but no — they still hurt like hell.
The question is why the end of a relationship is so painful.
Maybe your relationship is on the verge of a breakup or maybe you’re going through a tough breakup right now. You might be looking for ways to avoid the upcoming pain or wonder why you’re going through such an emotionally painful time.
Whatever it is, this article will give you a better understanding of the psychology behind breakups and your own feelings.
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#1. You Can’t Find a Solid Explanation
Here’s the thing: humans are rational creatures, which means that we love finding solid explanations for every little thing that shapes our lives.
Sometimes breakups come out of the blue — at least for one of the people involved in the relationship. Your partner seems to be happy within your relationship, you think everything’s going great and then one day they announce to you that they want to call things off.
They can’t seem able to explain why — their heart just isn’t in it anymore — and, no matter how hard you think, you can’t find a good explanation for your relationship ending either.
Sometimes breakups offer no closure and no room for explanations in the sense that people change and so do their feelings and needs.
The sooner you accept that you can’t rationalize or control other people’s feelings, the sooner you’ll stop going around in circles, contemplating every little thing that happened in the course of your relationship.
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#2. You Go Into ‘Fight-Or-Flight’ Mode
Another reason breakups can be so difficult is because they can literally cause physical pain.
When you go through an unwanted or unexpected breakup, your body registers it as a threat and releases hormones that activate the “fight-or-flight” response.
More specifically, your brain releases cortisol (known as “the stress hormone”), which sends blood to your major muscle groups, preparing them to respond to the upcoming threat (fight or flight) and diverts blood away from your digestive system.
When you’re in that physically hyper-vigilant state you might experience tense muscles, rapid heartbeat, trembling, stomachaches, headaches, and a series of other physical symptoms that make breakups twice as difficult to overcome.
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#3. Your Brain Chemistry Changes
There’s a reason people go around saying that “love is a drug”.
When you’re in love, your brain releases a flood of feel-good brain chemicals — oxytocin, also known as “the love hormone”, dopamine, and serotonin — which are associated with feelings of happiness and pleasure.
When you go through a breakup, on the other hand, your brain experiences a drop in the production of those chemicals, and the area that processes craving and addiction is activated.
In other words, you might experience intense cravings for your ex-partner the same way a drug addict would crave a drug during withdrawal. As psychologist Melanie Greenberg states in her article:
“Those who have been rejected may experience cravings for their ex-partner similar to the way addicts crave a drug or people newly in love crave the presence of their beloved. Surprisingly, it seems that these reward/motivation systems light up in similar ways regardless of whether one is happily in love or obsessing about a lost lover. When these areas light up, we are intensely driven to find the love object — and may spend much of the day thinking about them.”
The good news is, like any addiction, these feelings will gradually pass.
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#4. You Lose Part of Your Identity
It’s extremely common to have an identity crisis and experience a loss of sense of self after a breakup — especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship.
The feelings are even more intense if you were in a co-dependent relationship, used to turn to your partner for validation, or let your relationship define you.
Psychotherapist F. Diane Barth mentions in her article:
“The truth is, it isn’t a simple loss of identity, but a loss of a feeling of continuity as well. We often feel defined not just by a relationship, but within it. Some, or many of our friendships may be tied to that partnership. We often feel that people only see us as part of the relationship, so it’s not surprising that when it ends, we might feel that we’ve lost the essence of who we are — our self.”
Essentially, you’re not only mourning the end of your relationship, but also the person you used to be within your relationship — a part of yourself that’s forever gone.
However intense the feeling of loss might be, remember that it’s only temporary; sooner or later, you’ll embark on a journey to rediscovering and finding yourself again.
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#5. You Struggle With Change
If you’re anything like me, you absolutely hate having to deal with change.
And if we’re being honest, it’s not just you and me — most people on the planet dislike change, and only a few can handle it with grace.
When a breakup happens, so many things in your life suddenly change. Your usual routine is utterly disrupted. If you engaged in the same hobbies with your partner, hang around in the same companies, or lived together, it can feel like your whole life has been turned upside down.
Change, however, is part of life — constant and inevitable. People change — ourselves included — and relationship dynamics swift. That’s something you just have to accept and actively embrace.
It can take time to develop a new routine without your partner, but it will happen.
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A Final Thought
If you’re going through a breakup right now, hang in there.
The feelings of heartbreak, pain and loss might feel intolerable right now, but they’re only temporary.
Breakups can be insanely hard — but they’re an inevitable part of life every person out there will have to experience at some point in their lives.
Focus on yourself, be patient, allow yourself to grieve, connect with family and friends and maybe ask for a therapist’s help. Moving on is hard, but you can do it.
Oh, and if you have a breakup story to share, feel free to do so in the comments!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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