Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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i wanted to talk about three mistakes we
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make in early stage dating that really
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hurt our chances of things going
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anywhere when we like someone we all
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want to get them hooked don’t we we all
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want to make sure that it actually has
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the best possible chance of going
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somewhere well there are three things we
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do that jeopardize that that i wanted to
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highlight in this video and i want to
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start by just making a distinction a
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distinction between love and desire
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connection
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and
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attraction love isn’t the same as desire
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what’s gets someone to have feelings of
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love for us is not the same as what
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makes someone want to
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take us home what makes someone turned
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on by us and if we want to keep
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someone’s attention in dating
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desire is absolutely essential the three
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things that i’m going to talk about
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today the mistakes we make
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are not necessarily things that will
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hurt love
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but they will have the potential to hurt
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desire and if we hurt desire we run the
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risk of losing someone’s energy and when
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we feel like oh it fizzled out with
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someone oh why did they lose
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steam it’s not because of a lack of love
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it’s because of a lack of desire and by
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the way what gets people to the point of
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love
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enough desire in the early stages to
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carry them through to a place of real
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deep connection and investment mistake
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number one showing that we are surprised
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someone is into us if we say or do
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things that communicate to someone
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i just don’t know why someone like you
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would like someone like me i’m surprised
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that you’re into me i’m surprised that
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you like me as much as you say you do i
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am surprised you approached me what
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we’re saying to someone is
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someone with your value
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shouldn’t be into someone with my value
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and the danger of that is that we’re
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going to make someone feel like they got
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the raw end of the deal we all want to
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feel in life like we’re getting the best
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deal possible so no one wants to go into
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a dating scenario feeling like they’re
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the one being shortchanged but when we
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say to someone i’m surprised that you’re
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into me it’s another way of saying to
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someone you’re the one getting
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shortchanged in this situation because
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i’m of lower value and you’re of higher
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value if we do that we run the risk of
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killing desire before we’ve even started
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mistake number two telling someone
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you’re afraid that they’re gonna hurt
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you if we continuously
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show i’m afraid that you’re gonna change
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your mind about me i’m afraid that
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you’re gonna leave me i’m afraid that
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you’re gonna cheat on me i’m worried
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you’re just stringing me along we are
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playing a kind of victim
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in this scenario we’re not saying that
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we have equal opportunity to hurt each
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other that we’re both in a situation
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being dating is to be in a situation
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where you can be hurt there’s no getting
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around that if you go on a date with
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someone and they don’t call you we can
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feel that as a rejection that’s
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vulnerability you can’t be in dating
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without making yourself vulnerable but
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that’s also true of the other person so
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if we’re acting like we’re the only one
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who’s in danger it’s a way of
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communicating that you have all the
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power and i have none and you must have
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all the power because you’re the one
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with all the cards you’re the one who
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is more valuable in the situation i’m
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the one who has to be afraid that
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they’re gonna get hurt we’re literally
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telling someone that they’re more
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valuable than us
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we’re also making them feel
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a level of safety that breeds a kind of
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boredom we’re saying to someone hey the
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dance you thought you were in where
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we’re dancing together and we’re kind of
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feeling each other out and seeing where
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it goes and who knows but let’s keep
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going that dance is over
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you’re in control i’m the one who’s
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scared i’m the one who could get hurt
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here you’re totally safe there’s nothing
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more for you to think about mistake
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number three talking about parts of
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yourself you don’t like this could be as
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simple as talking about how you really
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don’t like your body now when we do this
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the first thing we’re doing is obviously
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drawing someone’s attention to the very
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thing that we don’t like
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now you might say but that’s just honest
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i don’t like it and that’s just part of
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my vulnerability is saying that i don’t
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like it well we have to ask ourselves
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what’s the appropriate time and place
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for revealing that kind of insecurity if
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you were on your way in to watch a movie
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that you were really excited about
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you’ve been anticipating this movie you
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were looking forward to it and then
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right before the movie was about to
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start a video played of the director
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saying hey guys so um
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i hope you enjoy the movie i just want
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to let you know there’s a scene in the
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first 10 minutes the one in the bar that
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i’m really not happy with the the way
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that it turned out um
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enjoy the movie i just
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i’m just sorry about that
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scene um
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it just didn’t go the way we wanted
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imagine watching that movie now
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are you going to be able to enjoy the
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movie
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or is your mind just now going to be on
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the bar scene i mean what’s this bar
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scene show let me see let me see if it’s
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as bad as as the director says it is oh
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i guess i see what he means that that is
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a kind of that wasn’t a great scene i i
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guess i can see why he didn’t like it
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you’re literally looking for reasons
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not to like that thing and by the way
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even if that wasn’t the best scene in
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the movie
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your whole attention is drawn to that
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scene and not the rest of the movie that
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might be awesome and might make that
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scene completely irrelevant in the
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context of the whole thing you don’t get
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a chance in other words to now leave and
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just love that movie if someone says to
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you that they don’t like their nose
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then
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they’re giving you their interpretation
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of their nose i don’t like my nose but
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they’re giving you their interpretation
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of it you should be allowed to have your
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own interpretation of that thing now
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part of this we know comes from a kind
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of insecurity that if if i’m worried
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about something if i’m worried you’re
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not going to like something let me knock
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it before you do let me at least show
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you that i’m aware of this thing that
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isn’t great that way i don’t seem like a
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fool i i am acknowledging that this
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thing isn’t great and now i’m i’m
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disarming you i’m it’s i’m eight mileing
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myself you know that scene in eight mile
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where eminem
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he’s he he bashes himself right he gets
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up and he bashes himself he knocks
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himself in all of these ways and now
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he’s like now what do you have to say
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i’m a piece of white trash i’m
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saying proudly
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this battle i don’t want to win i’m
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outtie here tell these people something
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they don’t know about me
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but dating isn’t a rap battle friends
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it’s not let me just knock myself down
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in all of the ways that you could knock
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me down
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now what negative are you going to
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say about me the goal is not to rid them
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of any negative things to say because
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you already said them the goal hopefully
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is that someone comes along
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and
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is able to not only see
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the parts of you that you think are
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wonderful
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but maybe god forbid
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is able to see the parts of you that you
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don’t think are wonderful as
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wonderful now by the way am i saying
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that you can never say anything insecure
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that you can never point out something
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that makes you self-conscious of course
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not there are always going to be times
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in dating and relationships where
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a moment of being self-conscious is a
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moment of humanity is a moment of of
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beautiful vulnerability that connects us
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to another person but if we bombard
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people with the things about ourselves
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that we don’t like if we continuously
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tell someone i really don’t like how i
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look today i don’t feel good in myself
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today if we keep saying that
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then we’re t we’re brainwashing someone
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to think a certain way about us to view
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us through a certain lens and don’t
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think that that brainwashing will never
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get through at best
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they’ll still think that you look
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amazing but will start to see that you
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don’t think you’re amazing and therefore
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that will have an impact on the way they
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see you because ultimately long term who
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wants to be with someone who
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doesn’t see any value in themselves but
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the worst case scenario is that
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something they actually liked
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they start to question whether they
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should like it because some of those
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things you say about it being hideous
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actually get through
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now i know that we all in our dating
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lives want to be accepted for who we are
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we all want someone to come along and
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for us to not have to play a game to get
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them not have to pretend we’re more
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confident than we are but instead to
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just be who we are and have someone
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accept us
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but i remind everyone again
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someone accepting us
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isn’t the same as someone desiring us
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someone may accept you
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they may think you’re wonderful that’s
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not the same as desiring
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people aren’t so powerful
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that the mechanisms the the kind of
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economics of value
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that happen to all of us reflexively
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are things they can just control
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if we
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behave as someone who has no value who
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isn’t desired by anybody else hasn’t
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been wanted by anyone in years and who
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can blame them you’ve got all these
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terribly unattractive features if we
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continue to paint that picture to
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someone then they can be forgiven
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for losing desire because we’re all
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going on these unconscious ways of
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measuring people’s value and then
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getting attracted or not attracted to
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where they end up on that scale can we
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do some of these things i’ve said in
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this video and get away with it of
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course we can can they even be charming
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sometimes yes can they make us human and
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vulnerable in the right context of
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course but the question we have to ask
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ourselves is
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is the pattern of my behavior
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one that paints a picture of someone
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that has value
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or someone that does not and if the
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answer is the latter
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we have to start redressing
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these things that we do
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to sabotage ourselves with the people we
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like
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now if you want to work on
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the kind of confidence that will
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underpin
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the value that i’m talking about for you
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in dating
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i’ve developed a five and a half day
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process that i started over 10 years ago
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in my live retreat we couldn’t do it for
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two and a half years because of the
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pandemic but our first in-person retreat
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back is happening on the 30th of may
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until the 5th of june i don’t have any
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more of these events this year we
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haven’t even decided whether we’re going
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to do it again next year but there is
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one right now for anyone who wants to be
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coached by me for anyone who’s like i
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want to work with you one-to-one i want
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to improve my confidence or
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create the life i want with you not just
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in dating but in every area of my life
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this is a must event for you
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i’m going to leave a link here so that
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you can find out all about it it’s
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mhretreat.com
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and i really hope that you and i get to
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transform your life together on the
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beach no less in florida
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at the end of may
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you
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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