Why Narcissists Can Be Compelling

Few of us are as seemingly confident as a classic narcissist, particularly of the overt type. Where we may question and doubt ourselves, wondering if we are doing the right thing and pondering if what we said came across how we meant it, they typically stroll forward in the world projecting that they, for one, have it all figured out. If someone doesn’t get it, doesn’t agree, or doesn’t understand them, well then, that’s their problem. Because the persona the narcissist projects is perfection itself. Nothing wrong with me!

This, my friends, is one of the many complex reasons people join cults (although as others have said, almost no one joins a cult, they join what looks like a good thing), all of which are run by narcissists. If we ourselves find the answers elusive, with the ground beneath us like shifting sand, and someone comes along convincingly saying “here is the way, just do what I say,” it can feel comforting.

It’s also a reason narcissists end up in leadership (and the C-suite in particular) to a greater degree than non-narcissists. Unfortunately, projecting tremendous certainty and confidence is seen as a leadership trait, even if the person doesn’t have the actual experience or credentials for the job.

I’m aware I myself have fallen into this. I have found more than one narcissist’s sense of certainty compelling. This was particularly true for me in intimate relationships. By my count, I married one narcissist, lived with another, and seriously dated at least two. All of them were much more clear about how they felt about us than I was. They all told me this was meant to be, we were obviously soul mates, etc., and I thought “Wow, that’s great that they are so sure!” And I hung my future on this confidence. (Ok, yeah, BIG red flag — now I know!)

Of course, the problem with this is that it is a) a projection, not real in the least, generally based on smoke, mirrors and a false mask of confidence; and b) fragile and unsustainable. Therefore, the narcissist, (whether in the workplace, family, intimate partnership, or as a cult leader) must resort to high levels of coercive control in order to maintain their position of power. No one can be allowed to see, as in the Wizard of Oz, behind the curtain. Because what is there — always and without fail underneath all the BS — is a small, angry, ashamed, wounded little person desperately hoping the world never finds out who and what they really are.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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