Why We as Men Must Do Something

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Many women are asking publicly, with an understandable sense of frustration — and in some cases bewilderment — whether it’s really possible that so many men didn’t understand the extent and pervasiveness of the sexual harassment that multitudes of women endured and coped with as a matter of course for most of their lives. That we really didn’t know how unsafe most women felt in relation to men for so much of the time.

I think I can understand these feelings, but also worry that attacking men-in-general for our lamentable level of ignorance, however regrettable and unbelievable it seems, will not help to achieve the greater mutual empathy and respect which — combined with a commitment to healing and change on all sides — is what seems needed for men and women to trust each other more. It may instead have the unintended consequence of putting even ‘good men’ on the defensive and pushing others into a guilt-induced refusal to take responsibility for their actions or for any damage they may have caused by colluding with or acting out sexist attitudes.

These are attitudes that we all grew up with and were bound to absorb to some extent as a part of our quest for a male identity that we could feel comfortable with. This isn’t to excuse them, but to ask for understanding and bypass the need for shame. Because nothing closes our ears and causes us to dig in our heels, faster than shame. So, as difficult as it must be for women when they are clearly on the moral high ground if they want men want to hear and understand them, the most effective way will be to offer understanding, respect and compassion, rather than condemnation. And to affirm that remorse can be met with forgiveness. From that point, men and women can begin to work together to create the kind of fairer world that most of us want.

I get it that by failing to educate ourselves or speak out against behaviour which caused or perpetuated the harassment of women, all men were indirectly collaborating in it — and guilty by association. But much of the time we didn’t know — and didn’t know that we didn’t know — how some other men were behaving. Of course, our ignorance might have been the result of an unwillingness to listen; because it’s not as if women have always been silent about that kind of behaviour — although for various reasons many of them were apparently quieter than they would have liked, or clearly intend to be from now on. Many of us probably didn’t really want to know more, because it was painful to hear about, and because it demanded some kind action which was likely to bring us into confrontation with other men, or with our own attitudes and actions.

We all have a deeply-rooted and instinctive need to belong; to be included, accepted and even protected by those who appear to have power. Sexual harassment is more about exercising power than a need for ‘sex’; and like all bullies, the kind of men who, possibly because of underlying insecurities, have needed to display and experience power in this way won’t like to be confronted – to be reminded of their weakness. And no matter how much compassion we may want to feel for their behaviour (and there will be reasons for it, except for the small minority who are psychopaths) the bottom line is that persuading them to change their behaviour, or changing our own, won’t be easy.

This is a collective ‘High Noon’ moment for men! For those that aren’t familiar with this iconic cowboy film from the fifties, Gary Cooper plays a soon to be married and retired lawman who hears that someone he put in jail in the distant past is coming to kill him; and feels his only choice is to face this guy and risk losing his life, because to run away to safety would make him a coward in a way he feels unable to live with. It’s a simple and inspiring message which seems to resonate with some basic sense of what it takes to be ‘good’ man.

I hope that many women are able to trust that, from a shared hatred for the abuse of power of any kind, by anyone, many men are committed to educating ourselves about the issues we’ve been hearing about from so many women recently, and that they will have faith and patience in our commitment and ability to change. More of us are realising that this change will be in all of our interests, as men feel freer to express their true selves, and step free of the limitations of the ‘man box’. I feel an optimism that together, men and women can redefine gender relationships in such a way a way that everyone can feel free and safe to be themselves, and to share sexual love, by mutual consent, with anyone they want to.

At this time of profound change in our knowledge and understanding about how some men have been getting it so badly wrong in terms of understanding what’s acceptable or desirable behaviour in relating to women, and experiencing the isolation and lack of love that results from that, there is for me, along with feelings of remorse and regret, a powerful sense that this is a wonderful opportunity for positive change. We have the real possibility of creating and sharing more love and happiness in our lives; it is in our own and each other’s hands. We just have to live the dream — with all the people that we relate to in whatever way. And not stay silent when we see behaviour which we know is not moving us in the right direction.

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