Your Relationship Is Keeping You Average

Adulting is challenging, and so is relationships. It is demoralising and disappointing when a relationship is progressing too slowly or has yet to tap into its full potential. It can take the energy out and influence the mood of your day. You return home, and then you can sense that her mood is dull already. You ponder if you should walk past her and pretend that you did not see the look on her face or approach her to find out what is bothering her.

With so many plates on your shoulder right now, the last thing you want is a shaky relationship. A problematic relationship can take away your time and energy, thus lowering your productivity. Those are resources that you could be spending on your hobbies or side hustles.

You cannot help but ask yourself, “How can I convince her that this is not a permanent thing? How can I get us back on the same boat?” The straightforward answer is by behaving as if it is non-permanent; by behaving like it is an investment in exceptional. Luckily, there is no way but one to do that: by stepping beyond the ordinary bubble.

If there is one undeniable truth, it is that excuses and explanations are mediocre guys’ favourite go-to tools to get out of any uncomfortable situation. Guys that travel beyond ordinary boundaries make a difference. The way you tackle her moods speaks to her volumes about which side of that line you are on. If you are longing for a relationship that aligns with a self-actualised life, embrace the extraordinary.

But wait, how does ordinary look like? Well, here are five ways you are being average.

1. You expect an evenhanded relationship

Do ordinary things with extraordinary love.
— Mother Teresa

“She is being unjust, and she does not get me. It is not supposed to be a one-sided relationship, correct?”, you say.

Well, here is a news flash for you: stop. Just stop. Stop wanting justice and begin to look for ways to light your life on fire. There is no better time to seek the extraordinary than now. Make her desire to combust on the spur of the moment because of how you make her feel.

That is a destination worth driving to.

2. You like to play it safe and smooth.

We’re capable of much more than mediocrity, much more than merely getting by in this world.
— Sharon Salzberg

Do you still remember when you discovered loved? Do you recall telling her that you loved her for the very first time? Remember the racing heartbeat and the sweaty feeling on your hands?

Well, if you are not aware of this, you should: love is never safe; it is a risk. If you wish for the relationship to be extraordinary, the path will not be a straight one, and at every turn, it will test you.

In fact, your daytime job or your self-initiated business should be able to teach you that everything in life comes with a risk, even falling in love. Instead of chasing their dreams, most of your colleagues would remain in a job that offered them career stability and good money even if they despised it.

Most people follow the crowd, thinking that if everyone does it, it must be safe. As humans, we want nothing more but safety and stability in our lives. However, that makes us mediocre and stagnant. It is not the idea of chasing our dreams itself that is scary; it is the risks and uncertainty involved that scare the daylights out of us.

So, back to you. Which one are you going to pick?

3. You use her for validation

It is normal for you to seek validation, want her to give you a servile display of exaggerated flattery or affection, and treat you with respect. However, do you want it for doing nothing?

Rather, pull off something amazing; try changing the world or changing someone’s life for the better. You will realise that you care a lot less about the praises once you do something amazing for your partner and humankind.

4. You have lost your sense of identity

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
— Bob Marley

Here is one way to determine whether your identity is being chipped away: you resort to self-justification and feel misapprehended; you feel like people do not understand you. Now, you and I are not best friends, but perhaps you are totally fine. Perhaps you are making a change in your life that is in sync with your identity, with who you want to be most.

Perhaps you are coming up with meaning in your life and scaling up Maslow’s pyramid daily. Unfortunately, I am speculating that you are not. I am betting you sold out ages ago. You sold yourself for the job promotion, the money and the lavish possessions. Your wife’s attraction or even just keeping her in a positive frame of mind took the spot of the search for meaning. So again, there is no better time than now to get it back.

…

Visualise this; you return home to the same sight you always do. Your wife is sitting on the couch comfortably, with the same facial expression and moodiness, prepared to take swift advantage of your mistake of discarding your socks on the floor as usual. However, something is amiss this time. This scene does not align with what is normal.

In the beginning, you are unable to point your finger as to what is causing it. Then, slowly but eventually, you come to the revelation. It is you that is different. The sense of heaviness vanishes, and the weight has been taken off your shoulders. For some reason, when you look at your wife, you sense nothing but inspiring affection. You are weirdly excited by the idea of engaging with her, and the risk does not frighten you one bit.

On the contrary, your self-confidence comes into play. Additionally, you feel grounded in understanding what makes you tick and the meaning you want to create in this scenario, in your relationship and in your life.

So, between ordinary and extraordinary, I know which one I will go for. What about you?

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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