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In the pursuit of the American Dream, it seems there were sacrifices to be made. One of the largest sacrifices was the missing father in the home. Whether he has left the home because of divorce, spending too much time earning the money for the maintenance of the home or simply not being in the home interacting with the children of the family. Then, the children of the American Dream become the biggest losers in the pursuit. Being MIA as a parent, for whatever reason, causes a child to become silently angry because of the isolation created by not fully experiencing feelings of being loved.
Men, traditionally the head of the household, have been given the responsibility to be the financial caretaker of the family. Having to shoulder the load of finance sometimes does not allow men time to express feelings and emotions. Long hours and high demands drain his energy. Fathers may seem to walk around with a stone face of concern. Their hearts have not been open for such a long time, the feelings are like a memory, like waiting on a lotus flower to bloom.
The father of the family has many faces. As the breadwinner in the family, he sometimes has to be absent from the home in order to secure the proper income for the family. Because of divorce, custody battles or not being able to weather the storm of fighting the other partner, a father can become absent from the household. The father may start a new family and then seem not to have time for the old family. A father may not have the self-esteem to even truly care about himself or his family. But we know the caring is deep within, lost in the eyes, in the tears of forgotten emotions.
The faces of fathers should be ones of compassion and support, even outside of their conversations of silent anger and their patriarchal sense of being entitled, based in physical power, based on dominance which fuels “toxicity.” Mothers have not always raised their sons to be emotionally responsible, allowed them to understand the true meaning of being balanced in their sense of control, their journey in being powerful without leaving wreckage behind. Their fathers too many times pass on behavior given to them by their fathers and so many times they are outdated and not supportive of the entire society.
There is a difference between being a masculine man and being a toxic man. The strength of a masculine man is like the strength of bamboo, ever standing in the art of expansion and strong in the knowledge of the wisdom of its growth.
The Journal of Counselling Psychology found men who adhere to traditional masculine norms- for example, self-reliance, power over women, and sexual promiscuity (Playboy behavior)- tend to have mental health issues and were less likely to seek help than men who conformed less to these norms.
Feeling as if you are the one in power and realizing you don’t have the power you perceived as yours can make you angry. The untreated anger then becomes full-blown rage within time. Unfortunately, the rage is taken out on the family and sometimes the outside world.
If you are not emotionally available, how can you have a real conversation?
In the midst of the American Dream, the father comes home from work with his wife serving him dinner, the children are dressed well and scrubbed clean, seated at attention. And as always, Father Knows Best.
Men are sent off to war, to work in foreign countries to be able to provide a living for his family. Men are required to use their bodies to get the job done. We require them to be fierce on the battlefield, but be gentle in the home, while being animals in the bedroom. Emotions can be seen as a sign of weakness and without acknowledgment of emotions, it is much easier to kill and rob from another, in the name of providing for the family. We all have emotional pain and emotional joy. We need to honor the process of being present on this planet as human waiting to be actualized.
“We insist on male dominance, that the physically stronger gender is the superior one- an idea rooted in times of spear-throwing-fighting rather than present day, where machines do most of the building, hunting and fighting for us. But even in a time where physical strength was a necessary aspect of survival, the genders were co-dependent. Men need women and women need men equally. That’s the way it has always been.” – More Men Should Learn The Difference Between Masculinity and Toxic Masculinity by Ryan Douglass, Huffington Post
When does the word compassion become a common part of our modern language?
Our focus and intent should be clear on our needs of what we want as an outcome. We want women and men to be present for each other and our children. We want a society that supports our families and our dreams. There comes a time the value of human life becomes more important than financial gain, the building of an empire includes the building of the bodies and souls helping to secure and construct the foundations of the impending empire.
Each family, mother, father, and child, has value and purpose. Each life is honored and each voice is heard with clarity, where no one is used and abused, then thrown away. We as a society would use our compassion for each other in order to support one another, as we built a balanced modern world. We are in a state of becoming more than we were yesterday in our quest for a better world.
Our society is demanding freedom for women to be actualized, as well as our men. The strength of the partnership is the sharing of the power. The roles of mothers and fathers have expanded, demanding more presence and participation for each role.
The American Dream has grown up in an attempt to be full grown. It is asking our women to be women and our men to be men, all in a modern sense. The realization of who we are is the realization of what we can be. Women can be breadwinners. Men can be compassionate, loving and supportive. Women and men can both share power to support the family unit, their city-state, and country.
The new American Dream is one of mutual responsibility, giving mutual support to create an emotional, financial and spiritual base where both women and men can show up as their full authentic selves. It is our hope that everyone will be present and accounted for, as well as our hope we step beyond our fear and address, allow our human emotions to be expressed with honor.
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