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Think of me as a man that had to have it sorted all out in his head and knew what was going to happen before I even attempted to get my hands dirty. It was why I liked to be lead, then I couldn’t be blamed for anything that went wrong. It was a way to shift all responsibility from me to anyone else. If life went tits up I could then turn around and say, “Well you told me to do that, it was your fault” and I wouldn’t be blamed, maintaining my perfect image.
It all started when I was very young, back in the days where my Dad would hit me for next to nothing and shout at me for silly things like being tired. My confidence had been stamped out of me and I spent most of my youth years running away from things that were frightening. Frightening to me was when control was taken out of my hands, when risk needed to be applied. I hated risk; unless it was jumping a river and then I was fine. Ask me to be vulnerable in front of an audience? Oh no, no, no. I just couldn’t do that.
I spent most of my youth and adult years shying away from anything that didn’t have a mental tag slapped onto it that I could do it. I wouldn’t ask out pretty ladies because there was a chance that they could say no. I never pushed myself hard because I may end up getting things wrong. I wouldn’t even ask for the things that I needed to get the job properly done because I was too frightened of the backlash. I was a regular non-risk-taker. Even at my new position in at work I hadn’t taken any proper risks.
I can’t say that I’ve taken risks and every outcome has been positive. There was a learning curve for me that was tough and hard to get my head around at the beginning.
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It all changed when I started at Great Yarmouth Community Trust. This was my first BIG step up. I wasn’t teaching in the community anymore I was designing, managing and leading these community groups. I had a team of over 20 people and I was the head honcho. I can remember how excited I was at the beginning to design these courses, and how quickly the cold white heat came and nestled in my groin area when I learned that I would have to make hard decisions and stick by them.
My manager once said to me, “I’m never going to make a decision for you; you’re going to have to decide and you’re going to have to stick with the consequences of that decision” she was a great manager. She really helped me step up and fill those boots that I was destined to fill.
I can’t say that I’ve taken risks and every outcome has been positive. There was a learning curve for me that was tough and hard to get my head around at the beginning. I was kicked into the water to see if I swam or not.
There have been times when I’ve truly failed people, and it’s not something that I pride myself on. If they were to look back on me it would be of disinterest rather than fondness, yet there have been times when I’ve helped people achieve great things through taking the leap into the unknown. I sent one of my volunteers off for a National award who was slightly on the shy side to put himself forward for it, yet he came through and eventually won it.
I take risks all the time now. My website could be a flop but it’s not going to stop me from giving it a try and giving myself the chance to see what the result are. I once entered the last of our savings into a high-risk stocks and shares account which ultimately led to thousands upon thousands of returns. I won’t be doing that again though; my wife could have killed me when she found out. It could have easily gone the other way, even if I was confident of a good return. I literally have a previous life of what if’s, could have’s and should have’s. I look back and I should have tried so much more with my life yet I was too scared to take the risk, so I am making up for it now.
Great Yarmouth Community Trust opened me up to a world beyond my own personal borders of my bubble. They helped me see an uncharted world ready for the taking. They helped me learn that nothing worth having has ever come easy, and they taught me the value of working damn hard to achieve my goals.
I eventually began to stop crucifying myself when things went wrong. It helped that my employer was in the same mindset.
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But with great risk comes great responsibility. When I learned about risk I had to learn about the other part that I feared as a young adult. Owning up to my bad decisions. Putting my hand up and saying, yep, that was me, that was a terrible decision, and embracing that fault. It taught me that everyone makes mistakes; everyone fails from time to time.
If we took the beginning of my most successful project, that had several failures along the way, and not just small hiccups, instances that could have seen me with a lot of work on my hands. Through that I was taught how to learn from my mistakes. Accepting that mistakes will happen helped me look at ways to put procedures in place so those mistakes wouldn’t happen again. From there I stopped being so tough on myself and wallowing in the screw up and looked at ways to actively solve the problem.
I eventually began to stop crucifying myself when things went wrong. It helped that my employer was in the same mindset. She was a lovely empowering lady and any time that I messed up she never made an issue of it, she always walked up to me and smiled and said, “Ok, how are we going to sort this then?”.
I remember the time I froze in front of a large audience and my colleagues had to take over. I remember calling her about it and her saying, “you’ll be fine, you’ll find that most people will feel sorry for you in that position. This isn’t Politics we’re in m’dear. Get back in there.” And she was right. When I went back in I had lots of shoulder shakes and people telling me how bad they felt for me.
I had finally let go of my anxiety by taking risks and owning up to my responsibility and surrounding myself in people that wouldn’t judge me for my mistakes. My negativity had nowhere to go and it fizzled out. A sort of eclectic mix between exposure therapy and empowerment. This is why I said surround yourself in good people for the beginning, I promise you won’t regret it.
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This post is an excerpt from the author’s upcoming book. It is published here with his permission.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images