Healthy Dating Requires Healthy Rejections

A few years back, I had a conversation with a friend from work. She was upset with several of her colleagues asking her out. Now you might think she just wanted to focus on her work, but that wasn’t quite it. In fact, she had dated co-workers before and was good friends with others. At the time, I couldn’t really understand her problem. I even briefly wondered if this was just a subtler way of bragging about her popularity, but no, she seemed genuinely bothered.

In the years after, I’ve seen a lot of discussions about whether it’s appropriate to ask one out and in what way, catcalling, consent, and more. As a feminist, a woman, and a human being, I can’t ignore the issues around abuse and assault that are part of women’s lives (and that have been part of my life, too). However, as a feminist and a human being, I also can’t ignore the personal responsibility and accountability that falls on the shoulders of all people, not just men. So how should we navigate this very fine balance, embracing and encouraging personal responsibility, without engaging in victim-blaming?

(For the purpose of this blog I’m mainly talking about heterosexual relationships; this is only because it’s where I’ve experienced these issues more often.)

The art of upholding boundaries

Since that conversation with my friend, I’ve talked to many women, and one thing kept popping up: some women would get annoyed when a guy asked them out, but only… if they didn’t like the guy. I’ve yet to hear a woman complain about getting asked out by a guy she likes.

Why is that?

You might wonder if that’s because women look down on guys they don’t fancy, up to a point where they think this person shouldn’t have had the guts to ask them out, but I think the truth is more complex than that.

I think it’s a boundary issue.

I’ve noticed that a lot of women, myself included, hate being ‘unpleasant’ (or what’s perceived as unpleasant). This is a pretty obvious consequence of the way girls/women are raised — raised to be nurturing and caring, to behave. When we say ‘boys will be boys’ to excuse guys acting like ****, we do more than simply absolving them from responsibility. We also indicate a very clear distinction: behavior might be acceptable for boys (because they are boys), but that doesn’t mean the same behavior is acceptable for a girl. So the message girls get early on is to be… nice. This, of course, is nothing new.

What’s also isn’t a new insight, is that girls who are raised this way tend to people-please as they get older. And this is where things get tricky…

Because no matter how much of a pleaser you are, no woman will sacrifice her body to make someone elsefeel good and feel good about it herself.

This leads women to a nasty choice.

When being asked out by someone you don’t like, you either have to go against your social programming, or against yourself. And when facing with this choice, women feel cornered, and sometimes feel the need to shift the blame to the men who present them with this choice in the first place.

I want to emphasize that I don’t think women are to blame for this situation. This is a society we create together — men and women.

But I also think it’s our responsibility as adult women to go against our programming and take responsibility for our choices, without blaming men for presenting us with these choices. A big part of feminism is equality, and equality is being able to choose. A guy refraining from asking you out is not a sign of respect… it’s a sign of disrespect, a sign of them thinking you’re not capable of making the choice for yourself.

So I think it’s great that guys are strong and brave enough to engage in the uncomfortable situation of asking us out and being vulnerable enough to get rejected. And I think the most beautiful thing women can do, both for ourselves and for those who ask us out, is to reject in a graceful way. Being able to do this, is a responsibility for the women.

Raising women who are able to do this, is a responsibility for everyone.

However, this is just one side of the story.

When rejection doesn’t feel safe

Like I said, one reason why women don’t like rejecting someone, is because of the way we are raised. But there’s a different important reason as well, and that’s got very little to do with women specifically. It’s a matter of power imbalance.

See, if we are to empower women to gracefully reject men they don’t like, without the whole thing becoming one, big, unnecessary drama, we need to create an environment where it’s safe for women to do so.

And when we talk about safety, we need to consider different aspects of it:

Physical safety: might rejection lead to stalking, physical assault or even rape?
Social safety: might rejection lead to shaming or shunning by friends, colleagues, or society?
Economical safety: might rejection lead to problems in the workplace or a loss of opportunities?

Unfortunately, we know that all too often, rejection leads to problems. Women have plenty of reason to be scared and to feel unsafe to reject someone.

(Hey, did I just say ‘women’? Power disbalance can go both ways. On top of the situations I mentioned, think of men who suddenly get blamed for sexual abuse when they want to stop dating. I’d like to argue that although it doesn’t happen as often, when it does happen, it’s even harder for men, because society shows far less understanding for them.

And did I just talk about men and women? Scratch that — power disbalance can go ALL ways. All of the above can naturally occur in same-sex interaction as well.)

How to make rejecting feel safe(r)

In short, if we want safe dating, we need safe rejections. And it sucks, doesn’t it? The last thing you want is for the other person to reject you, yet if you truly care about them (and if you don’t — please don’t ask them out) it’s the one thing you need to facilitate.

So how could you do that?

First, please be aware of the many ways you might have more power, or the other might think that you do. For instance, if you’re not their boss, but you have higher rank within a company, they might still feel like you could influence their future. Even if you’re not a particularly muscled guy, you might still feel physically overwhelming to a girl, especially if she’s had negative encounters with men in the past (don’t underestimate how many of us have).

Second, create a safe space. Yes, asking someone out is awkward enough, so you might be tempted to do it one on one, but if you have a physical or economic advantage, the other might feel threatened. On the other hand, they might feel uncomfortable rejecting you in front of everyone else (and honestly, you might feel the same way). One way is to send a note. Another is to have a one-on-one conversation while still being in clear and safe proximity of other people.

Be clear about your intentions. One thing that makes it dreadfully hard to reject someone, is when the rejecting party doesn’t know what they’re saying ‘no’ to. If you want to go out with someone, go out with them. Don’t say “why don’t we look at these reports together over coffee”, because the other party might wonder if they’re reading too much into your question and say yes to looking at the reports, not to a date.

Another thing is how you ask someone out. “Let’s go out sometime” can be perceived as an order, not a question, and combined with a power disbalance might feel coercive. “Do you want to go out sometime” or “Do you want to grab a drink sometime” are better options. The more casual your question, the easier it is for the other party to make up their own mind about what they want.

If you are in a position of power, do not touch unless you’re explicitly encouraged to do so. Even subtler touches can feel very uncomfortable if there’s a power disbalance. I’ve once been part of a program where the trainer would get very cuddly with the participants. Every single one of us felt uncomfortable, but no one spoke up (until one person did), because the touches appeared innocent and the person doing it was the trainer.

Finally, explictly offer options. This is especially the case if there is a clear power disbalance. If you’re tall and muscled, simply adding something like “feel free to say ‘no’ if you’d rather not” can instantly make the other feel more at ease. If you’re higher up the career ladder, you might need to be more explicit: “Just so you know — you can say no and it won’t make a difference for work”.

Joint effort

Yes, I know, in an ideal world, rejections would be easy and safe. We would reject anyone we’re not into, and there would be no repercussions. But that’s not the world we live in right now. We live in a world where sexual violence and gender inequality have shaped our societies for thousands of years. And that means a long-term collective effort is required to turn things around.

This means that we — and by we I don’t mean policy makers, I mean you and myself and everybody else — need to tackle the situation around dating on two fronts.

On one front, we need to empower women to be comfortable with protecting their boundaries, even if that means rejecting someone. We need to normalize rejection: rejection is not being nasty, it’s simply a healthy part of human interaction.

And on the other front, we need to create safety in dating. This means that if you want to ask someone out and you have ANY reason to suspect that they might feel unsafe to reject you — for instance because you’re physically stronger, or because they are vulnerable, or because you are a manager and could influence their career, or because you are in any way more high status than they are and could influence their life — you need to make them feel comfortable with saying ‘no, thanks’.

So let’s do it. Let’s change things around. We got ourselves into this mess, now it’s time to clean it all up. Together.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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