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I was in a long-term relationship for almost six years while Facebook was becoming the go-to social network for people my age.
I emerged from the demise of that relationship like NEO in the movie the Matrix. It felt like I was awakened from the comfort of a cocoon, the cords were ripped from me and I was sent down a chute into the dating pool.
I struggled for awhile to orient myself. I was behind the times.
I’m not that old, but I had old-fashioned experience with dating. I was used to a guy showing interest, pursuing me to get to know me through dating and declaring his desire to be committed.
In middle school, I received a note that said, “Do you like me, check yes or no.” And, that set the tone for my dating expectations. I believed a man let you know how he felt about you through actions and his words.
Both of my long-term relationships began with no confusion about what was wanted from me. I was always with them or they were always on the way to me. And, they told me how they felt about me.
But, what I found was a new dating landscape where dating was more of a buffet-style than a 5 star dining experience. People were content to pick the parts they liked rather than choose from the menu and pay what was required.
I define a situationship as an ambiguous relationship between two people where one or both attempt to get the benefits of a relationship while avoiding the title, emotional responsibilities or natural expectations that come out of intimacy.
Some people call it Friends with Benefits or it has various incarnations.
The way it was attempted to be sold to me was that I would spend time with a man, go out on dates, speak to him regularly, have sex with him, but I was not his girlfriend and the relationship was not headed anywhere serious.
Perhaps, this is a great offer to people who don’t want to be intimately involved with someone. I’m not here to judge anyone. If you can keep your heart separated from all of the actions you take to create a relationship, then a situationship may be just the thing to fit into your life.
I, on the other hand, had just come out of six years of intimately sharing my life with someone. I talked to this person all day. I went everywhere with him. I slept with him regularly. And, I essentially, shared my life with him.
Asking me to do all of that emotional heavy lifting with no commitment felt like looking at my Resume with all of my years of experience and asking me to be a unpaid volunteer or an intern.
But, like every single mistake I have ever made in my life, I went against my better judgement and did it anyway.
It was fine for a little while and, then, the oxytocin flooded my system.
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. During orgasm, it floods both men and women. Women generally have higher levels of oxytocin and it’s believed oxytocin plays a role in romantic attachment.
I can’t speak for every woman, but once I was providing and receiving emotional support and regularly being dosed with oxytocin, my wires got crossed.
I can’t say that I wanted a long-term relationship with the person, but I felt very territorial. I didn’t want to think about them having sex with someone else.
I started to rationalize the reasons why we should be in an exclusive relationship. I was overlooking red flags that were proof that I wasn’t involved with someone who was going to be the love of my life or future husband. I began trying to shape something temporary into something permanent.
I was acting like one of the sisters in Cinderella determined to shove my food in a glass slipper that didn’t fit me.
I became acutely aware that it wasn’t the person, but the intimacy of a relationship that I missed. But, this wasn’t it and trying to force it would cause two people to settle.
What I decided to do was accept that I am someone who enjoys being an intimate relationship with clear boundaries and expressed commitment. I like to be able to express my feelings and have them met with action. I like to be flooded with oxytocin following passionate lovemaking and it not lead to an awkward conversation. I like all the things that come with being responsible to someone else and to carry the title, responsibilities and expectations of a relationship. It feels safer to me.
The challenge is in this hookup culture and Tinder swipe-left era, it’s hard to sort through the noise to the people who are looking for something genuine.
But, I know that sidelining myself in what I don’t want will stand in the way of finding what I do want. So, I remain open and hopeful.
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