Is porn a good thing?
Yes, it felt like cheating.
I tried everything from shaming him, to making “agreements,” to trying to understand and let go, to ignoring, to looking at my own issues around simply being upstaged. Eventually I admitted the truth—it was his life. He could and should do what he wanted to do. I decided that I wouldn’t ask, pry, judge or make it about me. I would just relate honestly, which so far meant that when I saw or sensed he was using porn I wasn’t interested in being close with him.
No more attempts at punishment or shame. I just simply acknowledged that my authentic response was “yuck.”
So, is porn a good thing more generally—does it enhance the well-being of individuals, couples, communities, kids? To me that answer depends entirely on what we mean by “porn.” If we mean erotic, open authentic sexuality—well, that just does not sound like a bad thing in my book. But what about when it instills images in our minds that are haunting, unwanted or disturbing.
A mentor of mine once talked about grotesque and violent movie images as being “pornographic” because they become embedded in our psyches. I remember seeing a movie when I was 12 years old in which a cop discovers teenage lovers making out on a roof-top. He picks up the young man and throws him off the building to his death. I was horrified. For me it was pornographic. Here, pornography is defined as violation—something insidious that penetrates one’s senses and cannot easily be left behind. That was 30 years ago and it still shakes me.
Yet, from that definition, if you accidentally walk in on your parents making passionate, sweet love when you are 8 years old—well, it could be pornographic. Those unwanted images might well disturb, and stay with you.
The actual definition of “pornographic,” is: “printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.” Hmmm, pictures designed to arouse—how could that be bad? I mean, arousal is kind of awesome.
It could be bad if it is visited on un-wanting or unsuitable subjects, like children. It could also be harmful if the people involved in creating the images are themselves coerced, harmed or engaging in it primarily from a sense of fear or shame. And I would add, not just from a fear of being hurt but from a fear that they are not enough if they don’t give what others want, even at the expense of what feels comfortable to them; societally induced prostitution. It is a fear far more common that we would like to believe.
The truth is that there is a wide spectrum of what constitutes “material intended to stimulate erotic feelings.” If we dropped all conceptual projection and looked at a rose petal we would dissolve into ecstasy. Porn. I remember beholding two trees growing together—twisted and entangled delicately into one another. Porn.
I admit that I sent pictures of myself in rather compromised positions to my husband while he was traveling. Sweet, sexy, intimate, and yes, a bit naughty. Certainly designed to arouse. Porn.
Then there are teenagers, or even kids, on the street who are promised a good life and desperately need someone to trust. I had a friend who lost her ivy-league scholarship and, without any other financial options, saw her choices as prostitution or not having a future. She chose prostitution—willing to do or pose for anything to stay in school. She graduated. Porn.
And then there is child porn. It turns the stomach just to think about it. Images designed for arousal. There is a huge range of what we call “pornography.” My private, scandalous photos to my husband—sweet. My friend prostituting herself to pay for college—tragic. Children being coerced into sexual activity to arouse some adults—horrific.
And what about the garden-variety, red-blooded American porn? What of that range between freckled, naked beach beauties all the way to bleach-blond, enhanced bosoms with the fake lipstick “ohs!” into the camera while something goes up her ass?
Do we desire or approve of it? Does it add to our well-being? Is it, by the very definition, “good”?
The truth is that I have no idea. What I care about is the welfare of the actress, or actor, and the integrity of the situation. I also care whether the images feed the best in us (and ecstasy and eroticism count in my book).
What turns me on personally is witnessing the authenticity in a man’s eyes such that we both dissolve into vulnerability. What seemed to turn my ex on was sandy young breasts on a clear day. Who is to judge? Some of us find eroticism in communion with other, and some find it more privately. All of us, I think, want to merge ecstatically, and porn—like movies, or dancing, or being in nature, or sharing a meal and a glass of wine with someone we adore—gives us a hint of that.
When pornography rips into us, mesmerizing us with its undeniable images, I just want it to be real. Is this person coming from and conveying a truth? Or are they fabricating something that we then pretend to believe—getting us off with the aim of getting a lot of people richer in the meantime? I don’t see the need for judgment, but rather to advocate for the innocent—both those photographed and those viewing—and looking inward to see how it serves our own well-being.
The truth is that we all long for communion, reunion, merging, ecstasy. It is just part of being human. I wonder whether pornography would have even a toe in the market if we already had the kind of love and communion that we desire with each another?
The Men and Pornography series is the product of the joint call from elephant journal Love and Relationships and The Good Life on The Good Men Project. This was previously published on elephant journal Love and Relationships.
Read more on Men and Pornography on The Good Life.
Image credit: kevin dooley/Flickr
Wow archy. You’ve managed to alienate this poor woman who put her heart out for you to see how something affected “her”. I’m pretty sure her hatred of porn has only grown now. Looking at your threads do you feel you have portrayed yourself as a “good man”. From where I stand, not so much. After accosting this woman for how many months do you feel you are closer or further from an understanding of why you “do not have access to sex”. As you put it.
Which “poor” woman? “After accosting this woman for how many months do you feel you are closer or further from an understanding of why you “do not have access to sex”.” What makes you think that has any relation to my lack of sex? My lack of sex largely has to do with not meeting ANY single women as I live in an area with more males, and the hobbies I do and places I go usually has everyone married or dating already, very few women here are single vs quite a few more guys who are single. But thanks… Read more »
Also, I just want to say that I admit that I do not have the self-esteem you do. You say that you would do videos but you aren’t attractive enough. I don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not, but it is a fact that his porn use has impacted our relationship seriously. I had high self-esteem until he started to expect me to ‘try’ to look like women in porn and many other things that hurt too much to talk about. I was there for him when he went through a major crisis in his life, and he… Read more »
“had high self-esteem until he started to expect me to ‘try’ to look like women in porn and many other things that hurt too much to talk about.” At the moment I am single, but if I was attractive enough I’d consider making porn with her IF that is what she wants. I wouldn’t pressure her into anything and would respect her wishes, if even looking at porn bothered her I’d probably not look though I can’t really see why I’d want porn when I have her to share my sexuality with but that’s just my personal view. “Go ahead… Read more »
How do you enjoy watching something where you feel like men are objectified?
Men may spend the money, but strippers aren’t making as much as the owners are. I know a woman who is a stripper, so I’m not generalizing.
We’ll have to just agree to disagree because first of all, you can’t deny that the majority of porn out there features full view of the woman and hardly any of the man. And to sarcastically say that I should stop talking in an extremely offensive manner is not addressing the FACT that I was trying to expose, which is that woman sell just about everything. I can’t watch TV without having to see a Carl’s Jr or a Victoria’s Secret commercial. 49% of SuperBowl viewers are women, but we have to sit there like idiots while Victoria’s Secret and… Read more »
I hear what you’re saying, but I can’t tell you how many times I hear that if you disagree and give your husband an ultimatum (just as he has) that you are a controlling B. He is likewise not agreeing to not look, so we both gave each other an ultimatum. Why are you so against porn not being free? Why is porn a “right” that needs to be available at any time. Just like a cigarette or a glass of wine or a beer or anything. Nothing is ever free. Why do you give it a “hell no” that… Read more »
“I guess because society is so used to just giving women away and exploiting them for enjoyment at any time.” Um, men are in porn you know. Stop talking in such an extremely offensive matter, these comments which focus ONLY on women in porn and talk of their exploitation absolutely ignore the many many men in porn. “Why are you so against porn not being free?” People can pay if they want but all mediums, art, music, movies, porn, books, all should have their free variants. If someone wants to make free porn, LET THEM. I’m not saying porn can’t… Read more »
We’ll have to just agree to disagree because first of all, you can’t deny that the majority of porn out there features full view of the woman and hardly any of the man. And to sarcastically say that I should stop talking in an extremely offensive manner is not addressing that FACT that I was trying to expose, which is that woman sell just about everything. I can’t watch TV without having to see a Carl’s Jr or a Victoria’s Secret commercial. I want to relax to. Women sell hot wings at Hooters and foot at the Tilted Kilt. Women… Read more »
“If you had to see a half naked or fully naked man everywhere you looked, you would get tired of it.” I often see half-naked men, in media, in advertising. “You just want it for free, but besides porn, I can’t think of anything else that’s free.” Youtube, flickr, movies, music, video, photography, all available in many cases for free by people who chose to produce it under licences such as creative commons for free. There is a lot of free material out there of the various forms of media, including pornography. “We’ll have to just agree to disagree because… Read more »
You really and truly believe that half-naked men appear in advertising and media equal to women? Are you really being serious? It is undeniable fact that women are used to sell more than men and the number of sexually themed female ads grossly outnumber those of men. Please don’t make me pull the literature to support this because all you have to do is look around. This volume of images that women are faced with has been the noted cause for many eating disorders, low esteem… I know many women personally who have been affected by what they see in… Read more »
“You really and truly believe that half-naked men appear in advertising and media equal to women? Are you really being serious?” I did not say they were equal, I said they existed fullstop. “This volume of images that women are faced with has been the noted cause for many eating disorders, low esteem… I know many women personally who have been affected by what they see in society.” This may come as a surprise but men also face extreme levels of body image issues, I myself face a huge amount as an overweight male. The only difference is men are… Read more »
But what’s wrong with not liking porn? It doesn’t seem like a lot of people have patience if someone says they don’t like any form of it. Emotions are not wrong to have. If some feel it is cheating, that’s how they feel, and they can look for another who agrees, but why do we have to be ridiculed or put down for that? I personally feel that intimacy is the ONE thing in my relationship that I want reserved for me and my partner and if I can’t find a partner who feels the same, so be it. But… Read more »
Not liking porn is fine, as long as it doesn’t become a shaming n demonization thing against those who like it. The little respect comes from when people tell those that look at porn that they are bad people who enjoy degrading women, etc without actually knowing that person or what they like in porn.
I am starting to get that judging or demonizing anyone is just a terrible, misguided delusion. How can people who look at pornography be bad? Who amongst us has not looked at images that arouse? Vilifying makes me miserable and usually hurts the other. What if people are good, even as we navigate this strange road of being human?
I love how you give such a beautiful voice to the fact that many people/women simply DO have a negative reaction to porn. That was, finally, the place that I could land. Beyond right or wrong, I simply didn’t feel close to my partner when he was using porn. Letting go of judgement about me allowed me to let go of judgement about him. Thanks for this post!
Pornography didn’t end her marriage; she did. She made a choice.
This is completely true.
Porn cops the blame for quite a lot more than it should. Sometimes I think it’s an excuse for other major issues.
Very true. He wasn’t meeting her needs and wasn’t willing to try so she made the choice to not be miserable in a marriage that wasn’t working.
Kristin: “I would just relate honestly, which so far meant that when I saw or sensed he was using porn I wasn’t interested in being close with him.” Kristin, it is the same for me. When I know that the guy I am with is using porn, I simply feel less close to him. Less vulnerable. Less liek being intimate and connected from him. I feel a disconnection between us. I can’t stop feeling those things anymore then he can stop responding to a porn movie that he likes and enjoys. I also know that I have insecurities about this… Read more »
Erin, I love your beautiful articulation of wanting to be (and women to be) treated sensitively around this issue and to have understanding around the questions and insecurities it may arouse. I don’t think I have ever heard that said so straightforwardly and clearly. I can only imagine that you are a great gift in anyone’s life, and especially your own. Thank you.
If you can watch porn and still perform and it doesn’t affect your life (sex life or otherwise), by all means keep watching. But it really does become a problem for some people, especially in this internet age. The stimulation is just so different (constant variety, not having to use any muscles but your arm, not having to worry about pleasing a partner, everything strange taboo at your fingertips at every single moment)–and if you’ve only been watching porn for many years, there could be issues–both physical, emotional, and communication. Of course the woman should be understanding, patient, and has… Read more »
And communication: listen to *her*, not porn when it comes to what makes her feel good. Believe her when she tells you things. Sometimes that will mirror porn, sometimes it won’t. And she should listen to you as well–as long as you can communicate in a effective way. I think that bit is key, and would like to emphasize that the middle sentence “Sometimes that will mirror porn, sometimes it won’t” also goes for the man expressing his likes. As you already point out, it’s not a one-way communication, but having seen a lot of “men only want X because… Read more »
“As you already point out, it’s not a one-way communication, but having seen a lot of “men only want X because they see it in porn” kinds of comments, I think some women have a hard time believing that some of things their man likes/wants isn’t *just* because he’s seen it in porn.” Exactly. And even if it’s porn that made him desire it, why is it bad? EVERYTHING in porn has been tried outside of porn before and predated porn most likely. Blowjobs are very nice, orgasming on your partner can be very nice (male or female ejaculating) especially… Read more »
“a vicious cycle where the man watches porn, the woman feels like she’s ugly and not good enough, the woman stops wanting to have sex with the man, the man watches more porn, and around again.” So the problem is mostly with her and her insecurities causing the problem, porn is just getting the blame for insecurities that will most likely be born from other places too. Porn helped me learn one thing, being someone without regular access to sex it helped me learn to control my orgasm so I can know when to slow down n extend out the… Read more »
That’s all fine and well, Archy–but what if your girl is horny as hell and just wants a quickie in before she has to go to work? Would that be possible?
Yeah, just don’t stop in the peaks. I get nearly to the point of orgasm n slow right down, but I can just go straight to orgasm and have a quickie if need be.
“It could also be harmful if the people involved in creating the images are themselves coerced, harmed or engaging in it primarily from a sense of fear or shame. And I would add, not just from a fear of being hurt but from a fear that they are not enough if they don’t give what others want, even at the expense of what feels comfortable to them…”
…and of course, such “coercion” (particularly the latter description) is hardly endemic to pornography, you probably just described a major motivator in most employment agreements.
I think most men watch porn, and I don’t personally have a problem with that. Men are stimulated visually, by and large- I don’t mind my guy jerkin off to a picture or video of a girl online, as long as he never cheats either physically or emotionally. Some men, though, can get addicted to porn- and then it becomes a problem. They end up preferring porn to actual sex, and use it as a substitute for intimacy. In that case, the person should be confronted. A clear indication is when it becomes a compulsion he can’t do without or… Read more »
Nina, how do you know he isn’t cheating emotionally? Just because it’s an image, it doens’t mean he isn’t manifesting some kind of emotion or experience with the people being depicted. It doesn’t mean he is either..but it doesn’t mean he isn’t. I have often wondered how many men today could actually go without porn. But whenever I’ve brought this up in the past, usually most men say there is no reason to go without porn. So my experience is that most men like to believe they can go without porn but when actually challenged to do so, they are… Read more »
“I have often wondered how many men today could actually go without porn.” If single, it’d be annoying if anything as it’s a fun and very visually stimulating medium and helps orgasms feel better than just relying solely on my imagination. For instance I find it very difficult to visualize the vulva, I love seeing the mechanics of sex I guess, the flesh of the vulva sliding up n down with a penis for instance. If I’m dating someone it’d be easy, and I seriously doubt I’d even need or want porn when dating someone and having a decent sex… Read more »
I understand. But regardless of your experience alone, a lot of men in relationships still want and use porn regularly. They still know specific porn stars. They still use it. Despite your experience, whenever I have talked to men about this, they make up more excuses not to give up porn despite claiming it’s not really a big deal to them and they could easily give it up. They do the exact opposite of what they claim is true. Men have very intimate and personal relationships with pornography that began when they were in their young teens. Men deeply love… Read more »
“Nina, how do you know he isn’t cheating emotionally?”
Not possible to develop or have an emotional relationship with a picture of someone you’ve never met or communicated with. Relationships involve at least some level of two-way human communication.
There a million times more risk of that in meeting someone at work or even online than looking at pictures.
Actually it is. Which is why people feel all sorts of things for celelbrities in the media. Whether it’s dislike or lust or love. Those are ll emotional reactions. You don’t just have to be falling in love with a picture to be having an emotional relationship with the image or idea of someone. Even when you fantasize about someone else, you are having a sort of emotional relationship. It doesn’t mean you are going to fall in love with them, but there is more then just purely physical reactions going on. Humans aren’t robots that purely just act on… Read more »
What I appreciate about this article is the ambivalence I detect in it. (I don’t know if the author meant it to sound so ambivalent, but it does to me.) I don’t think that makes it inconsistent so much as realistic and normal. I suspect most people have mixed feelings about porn, with only a minority of people on the fringes of feeling absolutely pro-porn or anti-porn. Most people find it acceptable in at least a theoretical way but are disturbed by aspects of it in practice. Or think some forms are benign but others are reprehensible. That’s why so… Read more »
I take issue with your assumption that sex work is “tragic.” I don’t know your friend’s situation, and maybe the context was tragic after all, but the idea that sex work is automatically tragic demeans the sex worker’s ability to choose and the ability to make consensual choices.
Indeed. Adults can make their own choices.
The author sure does seem to have an issue with capitalism.
That’s not very American…
I am not sure if I understand your comment. I am not against porn, particularly. If you want to pose in sexually explicit ways and market the photos, that’s OK with me. There are also areas where the welfare of people supersedes capitalism, such as laws against child pornography. That makes us un-American? Personally, I do care about the welfare of those posing and those viewing (including adults), but I don’t suggest that we should regulate it or outlaw it. Rather, this is more of an open inquiry about what best serves all of us — what do we do… Read more »
I decided that I wouldn’t ask, pry, judge or make it about me. I would just relate honestly, which so far meant that when I saw or sensed he was using porn I wasn’t interested in being close with him.
We all have different views and reactions.
I’ve only resorted to occassional p0rn when I’ve seen my partner not being interested in being close with me.
Kristin, I appreciate your openness about this issue, and my only selfish wish is that you wrote it ten months ago. If so, I would have shared it with my girlfriend at the time; instead, she proceeded to shame my sexuality, erect an impenetrable emotional wall, and systematically abandon me after I confessed to my own porn usage in an act of vulnerability and honesty. It’s encouraging to know that you took the time to understand that confessing to such an act affects both parties, but the emotional pain that often comes along with such discovery is not to be… Read more »
You wrote: “She proceeded to shame my sexuality, erect an impenetrable emotional wall, and systematically abandon me after I confessed to my own porn usage in an act of vulnerability and honesty”
This is almost *exactly* what I did with my partner. On behalf of women, or disgruntled partners of porn-users, I apologize to you. I was unwilling to feel what it triggered in me, so I shamed, withdrew, took the “high ground” and threatened. I am sorry. My partner also talked with me vulnerably and honestly, and I have such regret for how I treated him.
I don’t think anyone should be shamed for their sexuality, but I also think the “offended” partner is entitled to their feelings. I’ve never had a relationship break up over porn, but I can easily imagine it happening if I felt that I was playing second fiddle to porn images. I can definitely understand how the knowledge that a partner is using porn would make me feel less attracted to him and less interested in having sex with him, which would be a vicious circle. I once broke up with a boyfriend because he flirted too much with ither women.… Read more »
Sarah, I’d agree with that; certainly, the offended partner has full entitlement to his or her feelings. “I can definitely understand how the knowledge that a partner is using porn would make me feel less attracted to him and less interested in having sex with him, which would be a vicious circle.” But if he were to make an effort to change his behavior and understand why he was using it, and asked for your support in doing so, would your opinion and approach change? I think that’s where the shame really set in for me, honestly. I voluntarily shared… Read more »
i admit that if a BF came to me and confessed to a porn problem, I would not really know how to react. I hope I would respond in a compassionate way, but I’d probably have a lot of questions (how much porn? what kind?) and it would be difficult, because of my own insecurities, not to feel personally diminished and undesirable. That might be very difficult for me to get past. I don’t know. You said your girlfriend responded to your confession with indifference and later admitted to having an affair. It sounds like there were already some major… Read more »
It’s complicated. But I’m not talking abouty married life and I wasn’t talking about watching it. Trying to pick it apart is just making you look bad.
Look at the nature of the good men project and maybe you can have a vague understanding.
It wasn’t a contradiction or a typo
So you wanted full control over his sexuality? Shaming him over his sexuality is abusive fullstop and will do so much more harm than porn itself ever could. “A mentor of mine once talked about grotesque and violent movie images as being “pornographic” because they become embedded in our psyches. I remember seeing a movie when I was 12 years old in which a cop discovers teenage lovers making out on a roof-top. He picks up the young man and throws him off the building to his death. I was horrified. For me it was pornographic. Here, pornography is defined… Read more »
What strikes me most are the first two sentences, which I agree with: “So you wanted full control over his sexuality? Shaming him over his sexuality is abusive fullstop and will do so much more harm than porn itself ever could.”
This is a major point of the article. Thank you. I finally learned to stop doing that.
Ah ok. Did you both split up because your sexuality’s were so different?
Yes, that was a major component of our separation. There were many other differences as well, like how we related to finances and parenting, etc. What I feel so grateful to have come away with is seeing how my judging and shaming anyone for anything is violence. I came to accept who he was, and who I was and then part with respect. That’s mostly true, and I am also still learning how to do that when things feel “charged” to me 😉
Missing something in our lives and seeking porn isn’t always negative. For instance if someone craves variety and isn’t interested or able to enter an open relationship, porn can fill that void. It can – and frequently is – used by couples to enhance their love life. It can help partners better communicate their needs and desires, or help is be more open minded. Using pornography certainly doesn’t need to be a shameful secret, used by those in unhappy or non existent relationships, and I feel they can enhance a couples sex life as long as there is no shaming… Read more »
Porn destroyed my life, and my families. Anything that can creat an outlet for such evil is wrong. Why does our culture give the greatest reward to the laziest people. These people have no talent no intelligence no integrity, and do nothing for our culture. No matter what we have we pine for what we think might be better. Happiness is not having what you think you want. It’s wanting what you have. This is the highest grossing business in the world. It doesn’t feed,clothe,house,or educate anyone. It just inspires deviance. I can’t even count how many guys I’ve heard… Read more »
A lot of things can destroy lives and families such as illness, money, and children.
Pornography, like the internet, is a tool. It can be used for good, neutral, or evil.
???
He could be speaking of his parents?
“This is the highest grossing business in the world. It doesn’t feed,clothe,house,or educate anyone. It just inspires deviance.” Bullshit. Stock trading beats it hands down. “I can’t even count how many guys I’ve heard brag about their dicks and yet they live in basement suite with nothing going for them. No prospect and not one single healthy relationship to speak of. This mind set is inspired by porn. I never have been interested in porn and have a wonderful relationship with my wife and my kids. And I have no confusion about my priorities.” So not only are you a… Read more »
Spoons made me fat. Lets outlaw something so evil and destructive like spoons.
LOL!
How dare you deny the suffering of people with medical problems connected to obesity. Shame on you for refusing to hear and internalize their experiences. Don’t you know that food addiction is a real thing? How long will we let people like you benefit from pro-spoon exploitation?
[sarcasm]
“Why does our culture give the greatest reward to the laziest people. These people have no talent no intelligence no integrity, and do nothing for our culture.”
The same argument could be used to describe Kim Kardashian or those morons from the Jersey Shore, who I think do far more damage to society with their influence over kids than porn does.
Hmmm….I used to live in a basement apartment. The rent was good, it was well-furnished, and it was always a constant temperature, because the earth is a great insulato, so I never needed air conditioning. Don’t knock basement living until you’ve tried it. : – )
I’ve always been troubled by the conservative-types who view porn as something solely destructive, but I’m also troubled by the more progressive-types who view porn/sex as something so benign that having sex with a complete stranger is akin to riding a rollercoaster (a thrilling ride that is fun, but no one really has any emotion about it one way or the other). If sex/porn were completely benign, then all people would have no issues surrounding their and other’s sexuality. We can all recognize that this is not true. Many people have lots of insecurities, hangups, and emotional damage surround the… Read more »
Hell fucking no. Porn should be free, not all of us have the luxury of getting a partner and decent finances to pay for such material. I agree porn should be limited to adults only somehow but it’ll never happen with the way the internet is, it’s not unique though as EVERYTHING can be available to kids online from action movies to games, etc. That is where parenting skills come in to restrict their viewing and to teach them how to handle seeing such material. You may not have been ready but don’t speak for us all, I saw porn… Read more »
They have pornography addiction rehab centers for teenagers. Do you think that those teens don’t have issues with porn? Who is at fault? The parents? The internet? Computers? Pornographers? The teenager? I don’t believe that they are faking it. Maybe their parents freaked out and sent them to porn camp. Maybe they actually have a problem. If there is something that can cause what many people recognize as addiction, then I don’t think that kids should have free access one click away. In my opinion, your right to free jerking off material is beneath the responsibility that we bear to… Read more »
Video games can be addictive, hell food itself can be addictive. I became obese after food addiction, should food be locked away under lock n key? The cat is out of hte bag, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to hide all porn behind a credit card. Parents need to realize the internet is not a playground, it has access to a lot of things including porn. You can google extremely disturbing gore photos online, it’s not a place to dump a child on and allow them free access. It’s a pipedream for people to want to hide porn behind credit cards and really… Read more »
“They” also have rehab centers to “cure” homosexuality, too. Just because you can demonize an aspect of sexuality does not make it wrong. I used to have issues with my partner watching porn because I viewed it as a sign that I was “not enough” and that my partner’s “real” interests laid elsewhere. Then, I started watching porn regularly on my own time, particularly woman-directed porn. Then, we started watching porn together, and if anything, it’s made our sex that much more awesome because it helps us open the dialogue on our own sex life. If something on screen interests… Read more »
@Archy: Porn isn’t food. Most kids have the ability to moderate their use of video games. Do you think that most would have the ability to moderate their use of porn? Not a good analogy. Porn is in a different realm than food and video games. There would be no restriction really. What adult doesn’t have a credit card? If you don’t have a credit card, then it is likely that you don’t have a computer or access to the internet. No one is being shamed by ensuring adults are the only ones to have ready access to porn. The… Read more »
Uhhh most kids don’t have a sex drive advanced enough to be horny n have the DESIRE to look at porn for more than just “oh look, haha boobies, eww”. In fact kids will play games far more than they will look at porn. I really don’t get people that think porn will suck the life out of kids and have them glued to a screen, a few maybe but the majority won’t. Even those who are sexually curious will watch for a bit, jerk off, orgasm, then go about their business. They’d still jerk off the same length of… Read more »
Do you think that some adults get addicted to pornography? If so, then we probably should err on the side of caution with kids. If not, then you should check out the new DSMV and the sections about sex addiction. Do you think that kids/teens are able to discriminate between what they see in pornography and what consenting adults do in healthy and respectful relationships? If so, that doesn’t make sense because they are likely to have had few if any sexual encounters and therefore no basis for judgement exists. If not, then we should probably err on the side… Read more »
Do we stop those that can handle it from getting porn just to cater to those who can’t? Some people have allergies to peanuts yet we don’t ban their usage but simply put warnings up. I’d say try to make much better porn n direct them there if kids are looking, the cat is out of the bag and unless you blind the kid or lock them in a dungeon there is no real way to stop them looking at material in this online world we live in. We gave them free access to the entire internet and now we… Read more »
What about the tons of adults that don’t have credit cards for one reason or another? I mean, most people can’t get approved by a decent card until they’re mid-20s, and there’s plenty of people that can’t get cards because their income is too low, or the plenty more that choose not to get cards because they don’t want to get in consumer debt.
Besides, I wouldn’t trust most porn sites to secure my card information.
Amen to that. Why is it I can go play games where I can decapitate, torture, maim n kill before 18 and not many people really give a shit but as soon as the topic is porn people really lose their shit and cry “What about the children?!?!” ??!?
That is a separate problem. People’s access to wacking off aids are beneath the responsibility that we should bear to prevent access of kids/teens to something that could be addictive. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against porn, but people (adults) actually get addicted to it. I just think that the ethical thing to do is minimize the access that kids/teens have to porn. Your comparing video games to porn is not a good comparison. In real life, I’ve never seen a zombie, someone who can fly, talking animals…all of these things are seen in video games. In real life,… Read more »
There are lots of things that kids can get addicted to, including the internet, according to some psychologists. I believe its a parents responsibility to protect and educate their kids. I don’t like the fact that kids are learning about sex through porn, but they have to be taught somehow. When schools and parents fail them, they’ll do their own research.
I don’t like this idea that the world needs to be safeguarded for kids.
Regardless, its a bit off topic. We were originally talking about how porn affects adults and adult relationships.
If you enjoy and like porn, why wouldn’t you want to support the people that make porn by actually paying for the product? How can the continue to produce the very product you like if they aren’t making money form it? Why do people expect to get porn for free? I enjoy the local newspaper, I pay for the content to receive the newspaper because I support what they do. I enjoy some organic food, I puchase organic food from local farmers because I want to be able to support the local farmers that are doing something I believe in.… Read more »
Because plenty of people create it for free for the enjoyment of porn, there is also ad-funded porn but yes piracy plays quite a role in porn just as it does in all forms of entertainment. But do remember not everyone has much disposable income and thus piracy can be quite rampant, of the friends I know piracy is highest amongst those who are poorer but they later gain money n start buying tickets to movies, etc. Porn is a bit trickier though to pay for due to the stigma of it and people wanting to hide that purchase, some… Read more »
I don’t believe I ever said that I didn’t pay for porn, but I still feel that there should be porn available without cost. It’s actually one way I use to find new porn that I enjoy, by watching the free stuff. I’ve found a lot of actors and actresses I enjoyed because I stumbled upon them at a free site like youporn. I simply don’t feel all porn should have a payment / credit card barrier, especially since I enjoy amateur porn. I mean, the only way it could happen would be for there to be laws passed to… Read more »
Comment sections are usually off-topic as much as they are on-topic. That is the beauty of it.
We safeguard kids from the world all the time. This is a fantastic idea. Kids are not adults.
Video games have plenty of real-life events, ever played a racing game? Even GTA’s violence has some degree of reality. Millions of people have been soldiers so the war games can often be realistic. Plenty of video games therefore cannot be a true fantasy under your logic so why is it different?
Fair point. I suppose that the heart reasons what the mind cannot. Is a kid friendly video game equivalent to pornography? I’d guess that you’d argue that it is. What about if we polled 1 million people? I’d bet that most people would say that it is different. Who is right? No one and everyone, really. But we actually have to make moral judgements. I’d say that porn and video games should be treated differently. Pornography depicts a human form of intimacy, but also human forms of lust and fetishes, which along with positive porn, can often appear aggressive, submissive,… Read more »
I don’t like that it’s easily accessible online but it’s pretty much impossible to put back into the bag, there are millions/billions of websites that would have to be vetted and it’s an enormous task to stop even 1% of porn, they can’t even stop child porn. “I don’t think that most teenagers are emotionally developed enough to separate a desire for intimacy and human connection from the other aspects ever-present in pornography on the internet. ” I could seperate them but that is partially because I had decent parents that taught me well, and I also figured it out… Read more »
Restriction does not mean prohibition. Kids will absolutely see porn. They will absolutely experiment alone and with each other. This is part of the maturation process. This is a good thing. Restricting porn does not imply shame or negativity. It is recognition that adult sex and sexuality is complicated, important, beautiful, but still tricky to navigate, even for adults. Not trying simply because the problem seems too large is just lazy and irresponsible (because I think we should at least attempt to keep kids away from adult things). I really like the notion of having more involved parenting. Some parents… Read more »
That’s because smoking, alcohol, strip clubs are goods n services where you can simply say no. Think of the internet like a library that is so big that it’s impossible to truly stop kids getting to the adult book section. There are no door guards to many sites, many which operate with different laws to the U.S for example. Alcohol is a sold good that is restricted. Porn that is sold IS ALREADY RESTRICTED. To buy porn online you need a credit card. Even if alcohol were given freely it wouldn’t really compare because you’d need door guards on every… Read more »
Fair point. I suppose that the heart reasons what the mind cannot. Is a kid friendly video game equivalent to pornography? I’d guess that you’d argue that it is. What about if we polled 1 million people? I’d bet that most people would say that it is different. Who is right? No one and everyone, really. But we actually have to make moral judgements. I’d say that porn and video games should be treated differently. Pornography depicts a human form of intimacy, but also human forms of lust and fetishes, which along with positive porn, can often appear aggressive, submissive,… Read more »
I spent – no, wasted – years of my life wanting to control my partner’s arousal, and it just isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth the pain, and the jealousy. Over time, it’s become something I embrace and appreciate. We like different types of porn, but we both enjoy it in our own way, and on our own time, and it makes me very sad to think of a casual enjoyment of soft porn possibly breaking up a relationship. The idea of it being akin to cheating is just… well, I certainly feel it’s very off the mark. As for… Read more »
Glad to see controlling your partner was a bad idea.
Yes, exactly. Love that my words conveyed that. Thanks.